Oh ok now I get it.

Hi all. For years I believed that bipolar II was a BS diagnosis used by doctors to push meds for the pharmaceutical companies. I shook off the DX and never looked back. I believed meds should only be used for bp I and psychotic type illnesses. And I could never understand why those people didn't just stay on medication when they knew that meds would help them. What gives? Don't you want to be stable and functional?

Obviously I was in for a karmic slap in the face. I got it when my own issues took a turn for the worse and I ended up with a BP 1 dx with psychotic manias thrown into the mix for extra fun. Took me 8 Months to find something that works.

And now I get it. The devil has popped up on my shoulder and is telling me "hey, who needs meds? Not you. You just want to feel good. Why shouldn't you?" And the lure if hypomania is getting strong. Before the mania I never knew I could feel so good. Bullet proof and magical. I felt sorry for normal people because they could never feel as great as I did. It was like the best drug you could ever take - an ecstasy pill that lasts for days. And I want that.

It's easy to forget the crushing ugly depression that follows. Or the dangerous delusions that accompany. It's easy to say well who cares. I'll roll the dice and come out on top! How could this possibly go wrong?!

But alas, it goes wrong for me every time. I have short episodes, ten to fourteen days with only fleeting moments of stability until the ride goes up or down. Or both, what the hell, mixed episodes are welcomed by my brain as well.

This all comes from hypomania nipping at my heels this week. It's trying to catch me but can't get over the wall. I feel the elation building but then subsiding and it's like taking a drink after being sober for just one month - I want more.

But I am posting this tonight because I know I cannot take the risk. I re-read my posts from the last time I was manic/psychotic and I can't ever take that chance again. I think I'm going to print them when I get a printer so I won't forget why I finally relented on my no meds stance.

But I just wanted to say I get it. Side effects and the promise of that drug make me say f--- meds. It's certainly not as simple as just taking your pills obediently. I'm sorry I ever doubted it.

Btw this is not a pro meds rant either. I know many of you are able to mange without meds. I, unfortunately, cannot.

And I must remember that.

I relate!
Sometimes it's not even the side effects listed on the bottle but the hidden ones. The ones that no one understands because it can't be quantified.
I have these meds that Keep me from functioning and make my metal cognitive function horrid, BUT For the first time in years my brain isn't telling me to go kill myself XD

I miss being able to think, and being smart... but would I trade that for my life?

Sometimes... I think the answer is yes--I can't ever fall for that lie.

~Lilly

Im having a wanting to go off meds day. Its been happening more and more since I have joined this forum. My partner said to me last night "What if you do go off them what happens? Do you become unstable? What happens if you really do yourself some more damage?" He seemed scared and that was enough for me to shut up and take the bloody pill. I cannot take the risk either.

I dont know why this happens but I am thankful to hear your story.

My T started on the "A lot of people with bipolar decide to quit meds as soon as they're out of the depression" as he is probably not sure of my actions around it. I cut him off and was like "I'm staying on the meds until I accept that I'm living here." "So you'll commit for 6 months?" "Yeah, I highly doubt my opinion on here is gonna change in six months." "How about a year then?" "... fine."

Meds have their use and their place, and med-free has its use and place. Sometimes we can manage an on-off sort of things, sometimes we can't. It's all good no matter which route gets taken... so long as people are healthy and happy with themselves.

I've got a videoclip from when I was on the sertraline of myself on my Trip to CrazyTown Night. It simply isn't me. At all. I will never, ever, delete that video.

I am also a bp 1 with psychosis dx'd lady. Not on meds, but the meds never made me feel like " screw it, I don't need meds". For me it was quite the opposite. The meds made my symptoms sooo much worse I got caught in a decade long endless circle of chasing symptoms with drugs that caused the same symptoms. Just hoping there would be some med somewhere that would be my ticket.

I had long manic episodes usually about 4-5 ...on meds with lots of psychosis. I had downs too but not as often and I have good skills for depression the mania for me tho was not addicfive, it was fightening, I swear it added to my ptsd. It really was extremely traumatic for me.

I tried so many coctails, probably about 40 different ways. There was just nothing that relieved my symptoms and didn't make them worse. So for me no meds was really a choice I had to make if I was going to make it. I was actually really scared to come off them. And it has worked for me very well, given me the most stability and peace I have ever had. And it was not easy by any means. It takes work. But I don't have another option and I am ok with that. This is working for me.

Just thought I would explain my experience a little since it is not one that is often talked about. And it's been hard because people have heard we like to ditch our meds when feeling better and that it's a mistake. Which happens, but it is another challange to face when you make an informed choice to get off them. Often feeling like people just think that's another symptom and not a management decision.

I am glad if you found something that is working for you. I think all we all want for the most part is a peaceful content life . doesn't really matter how we acheive that, I just hope we are able to.

I got to feeling a bit dangerous like that recently, too. I'd been in a solid remission for weeks, and that old temptation to play around with the meds crept in and started messing with me. Of course, I told it to go to hell because I've been scratching and clawing for TWO YEARS to get a handle on this @#*! disease, but sometimes I still fantasize about being normal and unmedicated.....

Yes! I just started meds and I already hate them. There are days where I have to force myself to take them because I can't take the side effects and cognitive delays much longer.

not to stirr merde... but is that a lie? Is it life without what makes you essentially you? Take away my brain and you got somewhat pretty moving corpse. Cognito ergo sum.

I think it's lie that it's either your intellect, your whole you or life you sacrifize. There is a way. If your treament is making you dumb and drained, it's not working. Seek further. Don't let anybody tell you that you should be able to accept this.

And there's other ways dealing with wanting to die than medicating it away. Because usually you medicate other thoughts out as well.

Point is it's not either being dumbed down or death. Whoever told you this was the one who LIED.

I am not saying go med-free, but don't accept this please. You have a wonderful spirit, don't let it be drowned. Your thoughts is what makes you... losing it will not lead to happiness. It could lead to even more damaging depression in the end.

you never said what you took?...take?

it would help me to know

who? me?

i am open about my experiments with alternatives.

sorry Venus...

I wanted to know what meds Wildflower was taking

it's in her signature

yes... oh boy!

I always miss the obvious....
so believable

thanks

I'm beginning to think that all those ADs I took in 2006 made everything worse. Based on my experience this year, I didn't start feeling better until I was on a mood stabilizer and an AP without any AD. In 2006 nothing helped me at all. I think the ADs may have made things worse. Sent Me careening into mixed episodes since that's what they did to me this year. So I totally get meds making you worse.

I also do not like mania. Mania always degenerates into mixed or dysphiroc mani for me. And I can't have hypomania without going manic a week later. Sometimes I wish I could because the hypo is just a great time. But I can't. So I must stay on meds. Maybe in the future I'll be able to get stronger with my DBT skills and go off meds completely but for now that's just not an option. And I do have to remember that right now.

I understand what you are saying. I thought about it very much, and do everyday. But living with the suicidal thought seems like a worse fate. Depression isn't my problem at the end if the day: It's the fact that no matter what I feel I always have the urge to die. Thanatos the instinct for death.

With that I can never deal with my moods, or face them. I will never have the chance to get better because I won't want to try. It is a much worse fate to never have the chance to try then try and fail and lose everything.

~Lilly

I understand completely. I miss the mania and wish I could experience the indescribable euphoria again. I know if I came off my meds, I would. I have before. But...with the mania comes psychosis and insanity which inevitably will land me in the hospital and do so much damage.

The ultimate goal is to be and feel as 'normal' as possible. We take medication to achieve this, if it doesn't then obviously it is not a winner. The choice should not be between unstable and f***ed or stable and f***ed. The choice should be between f***ed and not f***ed. It is ultimately about the quality of one's life. Not feeling anything in order to not feel suicidal is second prize, there must be a win-win combination of meds out there for you.

Good luck, I'm in exact same place!

Yea, I long for the feeling of euphoria but not being medicated will land me in jail or in the psych ward and no i am not exaggerating. I went the majority of my life undiagnosed and now that I am on meds, facing all the truths of the past...yea...if the depressions didn't follow I would live in the euphoric states. But I can't. So i will medicate and be a dumbed down version of myself.

I relate all too well.