[piecedtogether]

So, for the first time ever in my life, I was hospitalized because of my anxiety. Well, what brought on this need for hospitalization? I had just started a new job. It was a very simple job, i took care of animals. Bathed them, take them outside to do their business, clean up their kennels, make sure they have food and water, clean up after them, and that's pretty much it. I haven't worked in over a year, and the last job I had was a very high stress level job and brought out a lot of my bipolar symptoms as well as anxiety. My anxiety is very terrible. My bipolar is being controlled with medicine, however my anxiety is so severe it's taking multiple trial and error medications to see what works. The day, the ONE day that I worked this job was awesome, very slow paced, the people were nice, I love animals. I don't know what happened. Maybe knowing responsibility was on me, the crazy one, got under my skin. So I came home from my job, and that was it. I went absolutely ballistic, screaming, panic attack after panic attack, crying, worry. So my mom (who i live with) took me to the hospital. I had been crying for almost 8 hours straight, and my Klonopin had done no good, I even took a tad bit more than my prescribed dosage. At the hospital they gave me a shot of Ativan and it completely knocked me out. I came back home at around 3am and slept all the way until 6pm the next day, but i still was no better. Now I was ashamed, felt guilty, embarrassed that I couldn't even handle the simplest of jobs. I've hit rock bottom. It's now the next day and I've just gotten up. I feel better, but I'm on edge that I could have a complete meltdown, again, at any moment. My mom and aunt, whom I both live with, and my boyfriend, who is currently out of state visiting his parents, have been more than understanding and have tried their hardest to let me know that they aren't disappointed in me and that I haven't let them down, but I know I have. They were all so very proud of me, hell, I was proud of myself too. I thought I could do this. I thought I could work again. But I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever, then what happens to me? What happens if I can't work or go to college? I don't know. The manager at the place I got the job at liked me so well he said to call him and plan for the future, as in, maybe once i got straightened out I could come back and work. And he said maybe I could volunteer to get used to everything first. Maybe I'll do that. I guess we'll see. It wasn't just the job that set me off, I've got multiple other worries on my mind but the job was just the icing that tipped the cake over I suppose. Anyways, any advice helps, and thanks for letting me vent. I feel like I've hit absolute rock bottom with no way out.

[Zabine]

You didn't let anyone down. What we deal with is a struggle and you are lucky your family and friends are being understanding. If they don't tell you otherwise, don't speculate that you have let them down. You don't need self inflicted guilt. You mentioned other things are bothering you as well, do not let this get you down even more. Even though you fell like you are at rock bottom, every experience you have, you learn from it. Try to see the good in it, maybe you should just volunteer instead until you are ready for more responsibility. Don't let this scare you off from living life. You ARE worth it and you deserve to go to college if you want to and to try to work again, none of it is easy. You took the step and got a job, you can do it again. Good luck, be strong.

[Moose72]

I have issues with jobs, too. I can't seem to get or keep one very long.