[fate2freewill]

My best friend claims he has a 'touch' of bi-polar. He is educated, very philosophical, 36 y/o, admits to having a drinking problem, is not on meds, and was put into an institution when he was 12 for 'bad behavior'. His mother has been receiving electroshock therapy since she was 19. Both his brother and sister have been in hospitals and/or on meds. I am a female, former army nurse and in my upper 40's.

I have been his best and ONLY friend for about 2 years. I have seen him flip out before after too much alcohol, but this time he scared me. We had a fun day watching football on Saturday, having some beers, laughing and talking. As the evening came he wanted to go to a bar. I ate and he switched to hard liquor. At this point, he was still having fun and happy.

We stopped at the grocery store to buy some wine. He grabbed 2 bottles and went to check out. The clerk was rude and ignoring him as she was counting out change. He suddenly flipped out and yelled at the clerk. He was ranting about the problems with everyone else on the 2 mile drive back to my place. He carried in the bag with the bottles and was still ranting, dropped a bottle which broke on the kitchen floor. I kept telling him to calm down, the clerk was rude but let it go, I will clean up the glass and spill. He kept yelling and grabbed the larger section of the broken bottle and threw it on the floor again, making a bigger mess and yelled , "here's more glass for you to clean up since you seem to like cleaning so much!"

He kept yelling and saying mean things about my kids, my life, my home, and my friends. He started drinking out of the other bottle direct and was expressing hate for everything around me. I kept calm and asked him to please relax and calm down. No one is perfect, we all have flaws, and so on. Suddenly he got up, got into my face, grabbed my glass and held it to his wrist and yelled how many times he would like to cut his wrist and finish it all. I grabbed my glass back. Next he held his finger to his head like a gun and said he would like to blow his brains out. I was crying at this point as he was gritting his teeth as he was yelling and really scaring me. He swung his arm and knocked over a lamp and an end table. I picked it up, stayed calm, never raised my voice through the whole thing, walked over to my purse, turned to him and said, "I am leaving my home. You are welcome to stay and cool down.. if you leave, just close the door so my dogs don't get out." I went to my car, jumped in, locked my doors, and drove away. I passed by my house 10 minutes later and he was gone.

Its now Monday afternoon. I don't know what to do, call him, go over to see him, email? I don't believe he would have actually hurt himself but in his philosophical way, he will say that liquor removes the cultural veil and that everything he said were thoughts that needed to be expressed. He may say a weak 'sorry' for his delivery of his messages but will not apologize for the content. He will also say that the reason he has no friends AT ALL, is because he choses to because humans are so flawed that all of them irritate him. This is the standard lines he has said before when he flips out. It has never been to the point where I was afraid of him or where he talked about suicide. All advice is welcome!

[Victoria'smom]

He may(not) be bipolar but his chemical dependency has to be addressed before any other mental illness is. I would suggest leaving before he starts drinking to much. I would wait until he contacts you. You should never feel unsafe in your own home, next time you should called the police after leaving your home.

Wow...that was a ride and a half. I'm sorry you had to go thru that although it sounds like you're familiar enough with his cycles, it didn't seem to surpise you. It was good you kept as calm as you could, and better that you left when you could tell your presence wasn't helping matters.

I know you feel somewhat responsible of him, but I don't know that contacting him is the best thing in your interests. His issues, aside from the (possible) MI is that he has a drinking problem and that is something he needs to deal with first, before anything else.

Take care of yourself

[fate2freewill]

I had a friend hang a 'goodie bag' on his door knob on Sunday. I texted him and told him to check his door for the bag. I never heard anything back from him. On Monday evening I emailed the image below to him. I got it off face book. Tuesday morning he emailed me back this;
"You stop with all of that. My behavior the other night was not acceptable, but neither is your household/lifestyle. I was too drunk and upset that I'm involving myself with your social life. I can't do any of that anymore, I'm sure you understand. Thanks for the care package."
His comment about my social life is so silly because I only hang out with him and my children. He seems to hate how close my son and I are. I always have the feeling that he may be jealous of my son. Anyhow, he sounds like he's mad and wants to try to blame me. I don't know what to do next. At least he is alive.

[unaluna]

I think he's trying to tell you something, like that he's gay. Are you aware of that? What is the relationship between him and your son? Ie how old is your son, is he dating, etc. Something is up, I just don't know what.

I would say he's embarassed but isnt about to say so and is going to put the incident on you. I know you want to help and be there for him but he sounds like his issues are going to need addressed by a professional first so that you are safe. I wouldnt trust him to be alone with him, at least for sure not in a drinking environment. It sounds like he has made that a non issue though.

[BlueInanna]

I think this post belongs in the "caregivers of people with ...(bp? alcohol problem?" forum...

You want support for how upset you are with bp friend's actions - and violent actions - and allowing it around your children. My only advice is give him space, go to alanon or something. He acts like a jerk and you leave him a care package? You can't fix him. It's not Mental Health Awareness Week (at least not in U.S.) and as a person with bp, I would be pretty irritated to get that e-card thing from someone.

And: Not all bipolar people have violent tendencies nor drug/alcohol problems, for the record.

[ultramar]

He will also say that the reason he has no friends AT ALL, is because he choses to because humans are so flawed that all of them irritate him.

From what you write, it sounds like he himself may play a role in not having friends! I'm sorry you had to go through this, it sounds terrifying.

Certainly he has a drinking problem. It sounds unlikely that he would admit to it, but maybe you can encourage him to get help for this.

Please keep in mind, too, that he saying he 'has a touch of bipolar' does not mean by a long shot that he has been diagnosed with this. His behavior could be attributed to all kinds of things, but one of them seems to be alcoholism and certainly trouble controlling anger -the cause of these things -he'll have to see a pdoc for that, therapy would probably help as well, if he'd be willing.

You're a good friend for staying by his side, and I'd certainly be worried about him too. He really needs help, he sounds like he's in a terrible situation/state. But you need to take care of yourself as well; maybe it would help to set some boundaries with him; He seems unaware of the effect he has on others, so maybe letting him know the effect his behavior has had on you, will help give him some insight; at least maybe spur him to get some help. Best of luck to you!

[fate2freewill]

Thanks for all the incite. Here are a few answers to some of the thoughts/questions from posters;
He admits he has a drinking problem. I have suggested AA before and he said that AA is for quitters and he is not a quitter.

He doesn't admit to being diagnosed with BP, he only admits to being in an institution at age 12 for bad behavior. He says his bad behavior was drinking, smoking, having sex, vandalizing, fighting, and skipping school.

He loves woman but admits having sex with guys about 10 times starting with a school mate at about age 12 to orgy situations to a professor at college.
He thinks he is the reincarnation of the philosopher Nietzsche.

His uncles both were bipolar and both committed suicide before he was born. He is a fraternal twin and also questions if he and his brother are the uncles.

He is a Anthropologist and is one of the smartest persons I have ever met. (and I have met some very bright people)

I could walk away and move on with my life but I am somehow connected. It appears that his pattern is to end all friendships with a "fight" and that justifies his hermit like life.

I have seen his flip out a number of times and I always tell him that I forgive him as it was the liquor talking, not him. He is always surprised that I still want to be his friend.

It is now 6 days later. I sent him a link that was humorous regarding maps, (one of his passions), and his reply was, "You've been mislead, I haven't. Most people don't care or pay attention to such details, you're obviously included." He didn't get the humor, I guess.

I just want to help him, support him, be there for him. I see the internal pain he is in and how he hides it and masks it. I know how much he appreciates me and the friend that I am. This is a new level of flipping out and I do believe he is embarrassed but trying to act very Stoic. I feel like his therapist, (as he has also said I am to him), but I don't know what is the next move, since I am not a therapist!

[A Red Panda]

I agree with BlueInanna - I don't really think this belongs in this part of the forum.

Even though you don't want to, you need to stop forcing yourself on him. He's not a child. You can't fix him. The most you can do is wait things out. Less than a week? Is NOT waiting things out.

Personally - I don't have substance abuse issues and I do not have anger issues. I do get irritable sometimes, but nothing too extreme. And having someone consistently invading my space with rather silly messages when I was in a depression and had made it clear that I wanted to be left alone? Yeah, that would actually make me angry too.

I get that you are trying to be a good friend. But you're just putting on pressure and sorta treating him like a kid. Leave him alone for a while. Approach him again in like a month maybe. Maybe wait until December so that you're sure.

[Lillyleaf]

This sounds more like a substance abuse problem. BP can't be addressed until after the substance abuse problem is addressed. Usually people with BP have hyper reaction to substances. Also, substances can lead to BP like behavior...

I agree with leaving him alone. If it happens again though, calling 911 is important.

Maybe try a different form?

Best,

Lillyleaf

[Phoenix_1]

I agree with Red Panda. You can't fix him. Just trying to will make him more angry, as you've already seen.

He needs to deal with his substance abuse problem first, before any other problems can be addressed. Too much alcohol can cause all the behaviors you've seen. He's never been diagnosed as bipolar, but he does have an alcohol problem. Once he's gone through a detox, then any other problems he may have can be assessed by a psychiatrist and dealt with. Alcohol has to go first, then whatever problems he has when that's dealt with. But HE has to want to go to AA or detox, and he doesn't seem to be ready to go yet. You can't do it for him.

You're trying to be a good friend, but he's not receptive now. I'd leave him alone for awhile.

[unaluna]

I have sooooo been there. There is no way this person will ever reciprocate your interest. How safe is that? When before in your life have you experienced this pearls before swine syndrome?