[Kasani]

Hi,
I apologize in advance for starting my first post here with a rant. Need to blow off some steam. I'll likely roll my eyes at myself in the morning, but bear with me. I'm battling a weird hypomania currently.

I'm not entirely sure where to start. This Christmas I'll have been diagnosed with Bipolar for two years. After my initial diagnoses via a 3 week hospitalization for a psycho-manic episode and then the following depressive crash, I was actually completely stable for most of a year. Unfortunately I ended up going on antidepressants last October because of a depressive episode and I've been on a seemingly unending rollercoaster since then. I had one month of stability this year. Not sure how that happened, but at least because of that I know there is such a thing as 'stable' that I'll hopefully get back to someday.

I guess there's two things I was hoping to get answers about. Firstly, can anyone give me a little clarification on what a mixed episode is? I've had very little help from my doctors with explaining stuff. My current psychiatrist is a bipolar specialist but I find her very difficult to talk to. She's about as far from 'chatty' as you can get, and I find I just clam up whenever I get in the room with her. I don't know what to say. It seems like if I'm not running around in an out of control manic episode, or actively suicidal, apparently that means I'm doing good as far as she's concerned and nothing needs changing/fixing. Although, at this point I'm don't have much faith in a med change helping much anyway so I guess there really isn't much she can do.
Anyway, back to the mixed episode thing. I have been bouncing back and forth between hypomanic, bordering on full out manic, and very unpleasant agitated depression since September. But this month has taken the cake for being all over the place. I've spent the last two weeks battling with depressive symptoms in the morning and afternoon, and then manic symptoms in the evening. So, crying in the vehicle on the way to class, and then so wired in the evening I can't even sit still, to the point where I just want to crawl out of my own skin. Would this be considered a mixed episode? Or just absurdly rapid rapid-cycling? I've been managing it with Zyprexa, so I've still been getting decent amounts of sleep. Although usually for whatever reason I'm still able to sleep when I'm manic. It's just not a very good sleep if the dark circles and weird waking dreams throughout the night are any indication. I'm also on 200mg of Lamotrigine (Lamictal) and 150mg of Bupropion (Wellbutrin). As a side note, I have a horse and typically take riding lessons in the evening. But my horse is extremely sensitive and while he doesn't mind too much when I'm depressed, when I'm going manic...well, he doesn't quite turn into a fire-breathing dragon, but he really doesn't like me. He can tell as soon as I walk up to him. It makes working with him and riding him...exciting... in a not so great way. That's not his usual behavior. Just happens when I'm 'up'. My riding instructor for whatever reason can tell when I'm off too just by looking at me when I walk in the door. It's a little unnerving at times actually. Guess she has a sixth sense or something. Anyway I haven't even bothered going to the barn over the last week. It's just not worth it. I haven't been this 'up' since my diagnoses two years ago. But it's just in the later afternoon/evening that it suddenly crops up. And it comes on really fast. Haven't had the crazy racing thoughts that usually come along with up phases. My thought process does get weird though. And I've been getting a bizarre feeling of 'detachment' which is extremely unnerving. It feels like I'm just disconnecting from my body completely, I guess almost like an out of body experience. It gets bad enough that I start feeling like I'm passing out and needing to grab onto things for balance. I've never heard this listed as a symptom for mania. But back when I had my full out manic episode I was having the same problem to a large degree. It started happening around the point where I lost touch with reality and started becoming delusional and hallucinating. So. It worries me. Does anyone else get this?

I took a higher dose of zyprexa the other night and had a day of stability, followed by a day of what I thought was the start of a depressive crash. Felt down today as well, until this evening. I seem to have popped up again. But if I didn't get at least a month long depressive crash after such a stubborn up period I would be floored. Also, I seem to get depressed before exams, and finals are in December. The last university exam I studied for and took while severely depressed I failed. And since I'm used to getting 80 or higher grade-wise, that was a pretty big hit to the self confidence. I'm feeling rather apprehensive at this point. I'm only taking one course at the moment for that very reason, so I should at least pass. But yeah... any tips for trying to study while depressed?

Anyway I'll bring this ridiculously long ramble to a close! Feeling slightly better at the moment. Just needed to vent thanks for reading this far.

[Alokin]

I am sorry you are not feeling well, welcome to PC!! Once you get to know everyone a little you will probably find it helpful.

I wish I could help you with studying while depressed, I could use the knowledge as well. I got a 59 on my midterm for one of the classes I just finished. I was barely able to squeek out a B- in the class with a 93 on the final exam.... I suppose we just have to try THAT much harder when depressed. I'll tell you what though, I am extremely exhausted from faking it to make it. The last week I have been making up for it, hopefully after this weekend I will be back to normal-ish.

[OutlawedSpirit]

Hello, and welcome.