[BipolaRNurse]

It's the story of my life. You all know it too: get high and energetic, take on the world, make promises that can't be kept, then crash and burn.

This time I REALLY screwed the pooch. I interviewed for a state government position (evaluating patient care in nursing homes) during my most recent hypomanic episode. This was before I ramped up into the mania that really turned my brain inside out (I never hallucinated before). I was so freaking high this time that I went in there and turned the interview around on them---I was actually interviewing them!

That's when I found out that the job entails lots of long, irregular hours, traveling all over the state (and sometimes literally on a few hours' notice), nights, and erratic schedules. JUST what someone as unstable as I am really needs.

Now I have to turn the job down because I've indeed crashed and burned, and it's unleashed all these horrible, self-demeaning thoughts about what the hell was I THINKING??!!! How the hell could someone like me EVER hope to be successful when I'm such a mess?? My anxiety went ape**** just thinking about being hours or half a day's drive from home, slogging through a 14- or 16-hour day, having to go back and do it all again the next day, people expecting me to be able to keep up.......

And now of course I'm in the dumps because reality has bitten me in the arse and I have the horrible feeling that I will never be more than what I am now, a nurse in name only who scrubs along at an old nursing home because that's the only thing I can handle anymore. I'm broken inside and there's no fix.

[Stone83]

Not sure this will help, but you got the job right? So they decided that they want you, right? Why not try? Don't take something away before you try. Let them decide if they want you. Everyone is nerves about new jobs. That is the worst thing in the world, I hate it. But I find that it is rarely as bad I I think it will be. You always fail at the things you don't try. So get all mania'd up and do it.

[venusss]

Why not try, observe yourself and if needed quit before it gets bad? It may not get bad at all.

Being unemployed is also stressful.

Now cut it out with all those horrible demeaning thoughts, BPNurse! The fact that your interview went so well that they offered you the job is pretty awesome just in and of itself! You're not broken and unfixable. This particular job might or might not fit the bill, but that'd be a hell of an extrapolation from one of those thoughts to the other!

I can't, of course, tell you what you should do. The only (remotely) close experience I have is from a couple of jobs ago. Calls at any hour (sometimes with immediate departure), work any shift ('round the clock work), but expected travel radius of "only" about 2 1/2 hours drive. I kept more stable than I would have anticipated. Which is not to say totally stable, just relative to what it "should have" done to me. For what it's worth.

Psst, Don't read this next bit, BPNurse, it's something you need no reminder of…just letting people know a bit about our fine state...

(I do feel compelled to point out to those that may not realize that "all over the state" is substantial. This state is 98,380 sq mi. In comparison (only because I know your location off the top of my head, Venus -- to be able to compare...), Czech Republic: 30,450 square miles. Sooo, we're talking more that 3x the size of the entire country. It's a pretty big state. Enough geography lesson, lol, I've got to get to sleep.)

[venusss]

I don't know *where* BPnurse live and I doubt, she would be required to travel some 900 kilometers a day. And where the hell did I mention my county in the post... the lecture was pretty unneeded and uncalled for.

I am European, not dumb.

[BipolaRNurse]

Well, looks like I don't have to turn down the job after all......I was supposed to hear from them by last Friday, and there's nothing in the mail or my E-mail nor has anyone called. It's just as well. The job starts Dec. 9th and there would've been a week's worth of paperwork and orientation beforehand.

I just need to learn how not to overreach when I'm bouncing off the walls of the universe. That way, when the inevitable crash comes I'm not all disappointed and down on myself. I am depressed as hell right now (actually, I've been depressed for about a week) but I'm getting help for it. I'll be OK. Thanks folks, for your concern and for trying to make me feel better.

[~Christina]

You know every damn thing happens for a reason ,, whether you are up or down or floating in the middle .

Heres my opinion well .... because I always have one !

I think you could certainly handle that kinda of position .. but right now you have a home situation with DH that is much more important. Don't cut yourself short. You have skill , talent and the grit and drive to find a position that is going to be a wonderful fit .. You could never overreach .. You have no limits, ever

[venusss]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

You know every damn thing happens for a reason ,, whether you are up or down or floating in the middle .

Heres my opinion well .... because I always have one !

I think you could certainly handle that kinda of position .. but right now you have a home situation with DH that is much more important. Don't cut yourself short. You have skill , talent and the grit and drive to find a position that is going to be a wonderful fit .. You could never overreach .. You have no limits, ever

Indeed. From your blog it seems it's your pdoc that is discouraging you a lot from taking on things... and you seemed to internalize it into much greater degree then it was meant.

Don't turn down opportunities if they present cause what ifs. If what if happens, you can always quit, leave, reconsider. But you will know for sure. No need to bring yourself down more then needed.

(says somebody who is freaking out over a job situation right now too).

[middlepath]

BipolaRnurse, I have been down and broken too. The good news is, that it will change...it always does. Until it changes, treat **try** to take advice you would give another person if they presented this same situation to you. I strongly suspect you would be kind, understanding, compassionate and nudge them toward understanding they ARE worth something.

Also, you can quit if the going gets rough on the job. (((HUGS)))

[thickntired]

I'm so sorry to read this post. I too went manic and quit a really good company to work for a bs job that was WAY over my head. In the interview I rambled on and on dropping random key phrases about computer systems and procedures I had no experience with. It took them a year to fire me, and I was clueless as to how to fill my position. It was so humiliating. Anyway my point is that I'm glad you've seen in retrospect that it was mania before taking the plunge.

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[BlueInanna]

Maybe it's just the type of job to keep life interesting. And it's such a meaningful thing to do & really helps make sure people are receiving care they need.
May as well try it out. I keep irregular work hours cuz that's what works for me. You'd be able to have nights off to sleep right? I hope it goes well!!

[BipolaRNurse]

I GOT THE JOB!!!!

And I'm taking it, misgivings or no. I'll have to be really strict with myself about sleep and meds, but I will NEVER know if I can handle this or not if I don't try. Who knows.......the phone call yesterday and my acceptance of the position just solved a handful of problems that have been keeping me sick since May, so it might just be what I need to have a purpose in life again.

Besides....if the great State of Oregon trusts me to look after its vulnerable elderly and disabled, maybe I should learn to trust myself a little bit too. Thank you ALL for your encouragement!!!!

Congratulations on getting the job!! I think you will do great. You've learnt a lot about yourself the last few months and that will all help in keeping you stable and functioning for the future. You are strong and capable, this could just be the right challenge for you at this time of your life.

[~Christina]

You go girl .... Yes no more self doubting stuff !

[Victoria'smom]

That's wonderful I'm so glad you took the job!

[OutlawedSpirit]

It's great to hear you got it, and great to hear that you're going to go for it! I hope it turns out to be a wonderful thing for you!

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[Alokin]

This makes me smile! My mentor pushed me in a similar situation, glad he did because the fulfillment and job satisfaction I have now would never have happened. It is awesome you are able to push yourself, I wish I could! You are going to do awesome!!! Congratulations!!!!!!

Cool, BPNurse!!! See, they know -- as we here have known all along -- that you are full of awesome and win!

[Jcon614]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

It's the story of my life. You all know it too: get high and energetic, take on the world, make promises that can't be kept, then crash and burn.

This time I REALLY screwed the pooch. I interviewed for a state government position (evaluating patient care in nursing homes) during my most recent hypomanic episode. This was before I ramped up into the mania that really turned my brain inside out (I never hallucinated before). I was so freaking high this time that I went in there and turned the interview around on them---I was actually interviewing them!

That's when I found out that the job entails lots of long, irregular hours, traveling all over the state (and sometimes literally on a few hours' notice), nights, and erratic schedules. JUST what someone as unstable as I am really needs.

Now I have to turn the job down because I've indeed crashed and burned, and it's unleashed all these horrible, self-demeaning thoughts about what the hell was I THINKING??!!! How the hell could someone like me EVER hope to be successful when I'm such a mess?? My anxiety went ape**** just thinking about being hours or half a day's drive from home, slogging through a 14- or 16-hour day, having to go back and do it all again the next day, people expecting me to be able to keep up.......

And now of course I'm in the dumps because reality has bitten me in the arse and I have the horrible feeling that I will never be more than what I am now, a nurse in name only who scrubs along at an old nursing home because that's the only thing I can handle anymore. I'm broken inside and there's no fix.

Ok, you lost that job, but what you do at the nursing home is heroic. Don't cut yourself short. What you do could be someone's angel. Never forget that.

[steelfang]

I have a problem with becoming overcommitted and tackling new responsibilities when I become manic. I have only had 2 manic episodes (recently progressed to bipolar 1) but next time I feel "up" I will try to refrain from making more life changing decisions than necessary. If I do want to do something important other than being creative and philosophical then I will casually mention my plans to some close friends and family members who know my condition and gauge their general reaction. If they become concerned I am over reaching or become over impressed ( I know this is tricky because praise fuels the fire for me) Then this is my clue that maybe I should wait till mania ends and then see if I want to go through with my new idea or take on a new commitment.

[BipolaRNurse]

Thankfully I'm not manic, because I do the same thing---I tend to over-promise. But I also am never certain how to respond to praise. I've been working hard on that first one, because that's the hardest; but with kudos I'm just so damned happy to get them because I was taught not to value myself when I was young, and it's taken me 55 years just to learn how to take a compliment.

I've talked this over with my family as well as a number of my friends, and most are like me---cautiously optimistic about my chances of success. I have yet to tell my pdoc that I've decided to take the job, but our relationship is such that while he may not be 100% thrilled, he'll be 110% supportive. That's just how he rolls. Besides, it's not like he hasn't had to pick up pieces of me off the floor before.....and who knows, I might not even fall on my face this time.

[Moose72]

Congrats. That's great. You'll do well.

[choocha]

Not that it'll make you feel any better but I just sent off a bunch of job applications whilst manic, that I was in no way qualified for, but went ahead and did it anyway. And one of them I heard back from for an interview - so yay.
Please don't beat yourself up, something will come your way.

[choocha]

Oh, I just read your post that you got the job - that's fantastic! Well done & you'll do brialliantly.