[earth_maiden]

I moved back into my parents house in July because I was in a bad place and I needed the support of my family. Everything was calm and going smoothly and then my older sister moved in. The vibe of the household immediately took a nosedive; tension, conflict, and irritation were constantly in the air. I don't understand her logic or what makes her tick and I just find myself frustrated with her most of the time.

A few months ago it got really bad. The reason she moved in with us was that her boyfriend, let's call him E, has major anger issues and was physically abusive. She finally got the courage to have him arrested and she packed up her things and left. We were all so proud of her but she has never stopped talking to him even though they now live in different states. While she was still living with E, she reconnected with her ex, J, who has been in and out of her life for over 20 years. J is also a piece of work. He has 3 STD's, is burnt out from abusing drugs, has no vehicle because he wrecked his own truck to try and get insurance $, has no job, is still legally married to his ex after years, and on top of it all, he treats my sister like crap. Well day-in and day-out my sister would do nothing but complain about these two guys. Literally every time she would talk to me she would start "word vomiting" about them; she talked about nothing else. She wanted to talk about it with anyone who would listen but ignored our advice to end the relationships. It felt SO negative and toxic, and I sponge off of peoples emotions easily. I would feel cornered and highly anxious every time so I finally told her I couldn't handle hearing about them anymore, I asked her to stop. The next day she was at it again, it's like she doesn't care about anyone else's needs but her own. I couldn't take it anymore and I had a violent, angry outburst that scared her so she stopped for a while but to this day she still discusses them with me.

The biggest thing that we struggle with is her suffocating dependence on others. Now keep in mind, she is 38 years old. She's very intelligent especially when it comes to reading people and business relationships. She had a successful career, made well over 100K/yr. until the company downsized. In the morning, she'll go to my mom's bed, wake her up and beg my mom to make her breakfast and coffee. I'm talking puppy dog eyes and everything. She can't do anything by herself whether it's putting clean sheets on the bed, going to the convenient store down the street, or making herself a meal. Every single time I leave the house she asks me to bring her back something to eat. She would rather text and call me, work on convincing me, for two hours about it than just get up and make herself a damn sandwich. I just don't get it, it's like she wants to be served and catered to.

If we say 'no' she keeps a mental record and the next time we ask her to do something she says no, eye for an eye. My family is horrible at conflict management. We avoid conflict like the plague, and we're are all passive-aggressive. So for now, we just do as she asks so she won't meltdown... to keep peace in the house. Recently I decided to focus less on how it makes me feel and just serve her because she's my sister and I love her. But this approach makes me feel like I have to swallow all of the negative emotions that she triggers in me and I know it's not healthy. How can we show her that we love her in a healthy way that doesn't involve enabling her issues?

[Yoda]

Is there any chance you could move out of your parents' house? I don't see your sister changing her behaviors if nobody will confront her. She sounds immature and manipulative and difficult to live with.

[earth_maiden]

Yoda- the short answer to a long story is no. I'm planning to stay with my parents for support until I'm finished with school. If everything goes as planned I should be finished next December

[wotchermuggle]

I'd suggest that even if your parents can't do it, that you put up clear boundaries with your sister. You will not make her food or go to the store for her. You will no longer listen to her relationship problems. If she wants to hang out or talk about other things or if she'd like help looking for a job, you can tell her you will help, but that you will not tolerate the other behaviour.

If you can set clear boundaries, maybe your parents can follow suit by your example.

Maybe suggest to your sister that she go and talk to a therapist if the relationships are so upsetting that she has to talk about them so much.