[loyalpickpocket]

Last night, my 6-week preggers step-mum left the house at ten at night, after four hours of what she screamed was 'directed conversations.... revolving around... her.' The 'her' being me.

I want to scream all the time. I'm drowning and when I can get to air, I just want to scream because... I'm not angry, I mean I'm a little disgruntled, but... I'm sad, and upset, but mostly I just want air. It's a vicious desire to rip it from the earth and into my lungs.
Pretty kinky, eh?

So instead of screaming, I talk. I stopped filtering what I said awhile ago. I figured that after a long battle featuring a lone soldier on a battle-less field, I could drop the whole kit n caboodle of facades and masks. Why filter your speech if your face is going to be a dead giveaway?

I'd love to go on for years just so someone could review this stuff and hand me a paper that says 'To Fix, restructure frontal cerebral lobe on left hemisphere to sparkle like new".

POINT OF THIS THING:
I stayed up all night. Not a big deal, I know bp ppl who stay up for days on end. I strummed the violin all night. Just finding different songs, playing, singing 'Skinny Love' mostly. And at four in the morning, after my dad had been in bed for six hours, I decided to hit the hay.

I tossed and turned, never getting warm enough, too warm, 'oh goodness I'm a girl, i need to readjust' and all that good stuff.

Fell asleep somewhere.

Tomorrow is a day of work in the kitchen, followed by a violin solo. I'm looking forwards to it like other people look forward to the weekend.

I want to stay up all night. I want to bash my head off of counters and stick pencils in my eyes. I want to eat the wallpaper off of my wall. I want to break my teeth off and cut designs into my cheeks before clawing them off and smashing the fatty tissue beneath my heel.

Needless to say, I forgot my Lamotrigine this morning, and have yet to take it tonight. It's around 11:04 PM, I have been attending IOP for six weeks, 3 days a week 3 hrs a day, I haven't seen a therapist in two weeks due to confusion & probs won't see one till Friday at best, and I've been on the Lamotrigine for about two months now.

Wow time flies. Did I mention I have premonitions about the future that I record and they end up being word-for-word correct, which in turn screws up my internal clock. Or the fact that I have a soul that decided it hates me and has bastardized itsself into a demon-spawn that gives me insight followed by strength and mutilative power.

I haven't been hospitalized yet. Thinking about it. I would get very, very bored though. And who has time for that with school & 3 jobs? Who, I say?!

I need help. I need to go to sleep.

I can go sleep on my mat and shut off like a regular old robot, but tomorrow I will have this issue again. Or even if I never do, I need help. I don't want to feel this way, or at least I don't want to feel like offing myself because things aren't happening quick enough and I'm just kind of mussing everything up anyways.

So what do you guys do when you get like this? I think I'm cycling. I want to die, I'm not worthless I'm just slow and inadequate. No, I'm... just not. Not here, not there. I need to die. To become whole. Help?

[choocha]

I hear you, totally. I feel similarly quite often, I have to self-medicate to stop all those crazy voices and voices in my head telling me to weird crap. You should do what you are doing now - write. You have a gift for it. If you're awake you may as well do something produuctive, hey, maybe some day you could get published. The way you put the odd things running through your mind is spot-on! Maybe you need a benzo, like Xanax or Valium, for when you are feeling so wired. Just saying. And I hope you don't seriously want to off yourself....You have a brilliany, immaginative, creative, furtile mind. Why put such a gift to waste...You are awesome!