[earth_maiden]

I know that BPD makes relationships hard and that's just the grim reality of it. I often feel that I will wind up alone because I seem to ruin my relationships with self-destructive fervor. I can be the coolest friend in the world but as soon as we cross that line into romance I become needy, self-centered, and/or irrational.

I recently started dating this guy, we've actually known each other and been friends for 8 years. At first everything was great, I felt excited and giddy around him, all that good stuff . He's a genuinely good person with a kind heart. I trust him and feel comfortable around him 100%. He has always been respectful to me and treated me well. We have similar tastes in movies and music; our sense of humor isn't exactly the same but he can make me laugh. He's not my typical "type" but I am attracted to him and he is in amazing shape.

Well, I was looking forward to being intimate with him because I had the desire to do so for about 2-3 years. Since we were just friends at the time, I never told him about my desires because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. Once we started dating, I let him know about it. We talked about it- not that we made plans for it or anything- I'm just saying it was out in the open. Then a close friend advised me to wait a little while before sleeping with him, and I listened to her. I usually don't have the patience for that, but decided that it wouldn't hurt to take things slower and get to know each other better first.

So, I made up my mind to wait. Then there were these two different occasions where he wanted me to come over late at night. The thing is, I hadn't seen him on either of those days, even though he was off of work, and actually one of the days was Thanksgiving. He didn't ask to see me or make plans to hang out, he just wanted me to go over late at night to "lay by him." I got this uneasy feeling that he was either using me for sex, or that he was only focused on getting sex. It felt too much like a booty call. I felt myself shut down emotionally after that. I've seen him a few times since then (this all happened very recently) and all those gooey feelings I had at first are gone. I just feel slightly annoyed by him now and I notice his flaws (sigh).

I know that sounds terrible and believe me, I don't want to feel that way towards him, but my BP always rears its head in the form of annoyance. I think that him treating me like a booty call was a trigger for me, and when I'm triggered I'm irritable. Always. I feel like such an awful person for feeling annoyed. I've tried to just let it go but it's easier said than done. I want to feel enamored with him again, how do I open up and get back there?? I think that this is mostly all my issue and not his. I can see how talking to him about sex was a mistake because it probably led him on. He couldn't have known that I had decided to wait if I didn't tell him. I did tell him, however, that I wanted to make sure the relationship was about more than just sex. I feel so frustrated at myself. Why can't I just relax, forgive him, and get back to the good stuff?

[PrairieCat]

Originally Posted by earth_maiden

I know that BPD makes relationships hard and that's just the grim reality of it. I often feel that I will wind up alone because I seem to ruin my relationships with self-destructive fervor. I can be the coolest friend in the world but as soon as we cross that line into romance I become needy, self-centered, and/or irrational.

I recently started dating this guy, we've actually known each other and been friends for 8 years. At first everything was great, I felt excited and giddy around him, all that good stuff . He's a genuinely good person with a kind heart. I trust him and feel comfortable around him 100%. He has always been respectful to me and treated me well. We have similar tastes in movies and music; our sense of humor isn't exactly the same but he can make me laugh. He's not my typical "type" but I am attracted to him and he is in amazing shape.

Well, I was looking forward to being intimate with him because I had the desire to do so for about 2-3 years. Since we were just friends at the time, I never told him about my desires because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. Once we started dating, I let him know about it. We talked about it- not that we made plans for it or anything- I'm just saying it was out in the open. Then a close friend advised me to wait a little while before sleeping with him, and I listened to her. I usually don't have the patience for that, but decided that it wouldn't hurt to take things slower and get to know each other better first.

So, I made up my mind to wait. Then there were these two different occasions where he wanted me to come over late at night. The thing is, I hadn't seen him on either of those days, even though he was off of work, and actually one of the days was Thanksgiving. He didn't ask to see me or make plans to hang out, he just wanted me to go over late at night to "lay by him." I got this uneasy feeling that he was either using me for sex, or that he was only focused on getting sex. It felt too much like a booty call. I felt myself shut down emotionally after that. I've seen him a few times since then (this all happened very recently) and all those gooey feelings I had at first are gone. I just feel slightly annoyed by him now and I notice his flaws (sigh).

I know that sounds terrible and believe me, I don't want to feel that way towards him, but my BP always rears its head in the form of annoyance. I think that him treating me like a booty call was a trigger for me, and when I'm triggered I'm irritable. Always. I feel like such an awful person for feeling annoyed. I've tried to just let it go but it's easier said than done. I want to feel enamored with him again, how do I open up and get back there?? I think that this is mostly all my issue and not his. I can see how talking to him about sex was a mistake because it probably led him on. He couldn't have known that I had decided to wait if I didn't tell him. I did tell him, however, that I wanted to make sure the relationship was about more than just sex. I feel so frustrated at myself. Why can't I just relax, forgive him, and get back to the good stuff?

Hi Earthy-Girl,

I think that you do indeed know what you are doing. Just maybe the "booty call" was a warning. You are heeding that warning.

We always need to heed the warnings, the red flags that tell us that perhaps all this guy wants from us is sex, and that is usually the case.

Why do you think you need to forgive him? Just maybe forgive yourself for talking about sex ahead of time, though I think that was courageous of you. You don't need to forgive him for making a blatant booty call late at night because that was inappropriate. Going slowly is the best thing to do. I think it is best to just let it happen naturally if you still want to do it, but be aware. Also, if sex is "all" you want, you can of course go for it. But it is not usually "all" that we women want. We want a really decent relationship with possibilities for it to be long-lasting or permanent.

In my vast (LOL) experience, and it is vast, going to a guy's house for a booty call (or what he thought might be one) has always turned out to be a totally rotten experience for me. Either I was too easy, or I wouldn't do it and he got nasty or we were interrupted by his kids coming by or I was too easy again or he could NOT function at all (!) or I was too easy yet again! But that is just me and this is all just my take on things. Good luck with this and please do not put yourself down for being in this situation. He may just not deserve you. Knowing him for a very long time leaves open the chance for it turning out well, but just be very aware of what you are doing. I'm sorry if any of this sounds negative! I do hope it is of some help. Just my opinion on it at the moment. I am still waking up with my coffee early this AM, but I am awake!

Yes, having a relationship when we have any form of BD, BPD, or etc. is terribly difficult for us all. I have never, ever been good at it. I probably could be now but I may be waaay to old for it now. Hang in there and don't blame yourself.
PrairieCat

[Alokin]

It is not your bipolar, you have every right to be annoyed. Go with your gut, run! There is a reason you don't have "gooey" feelings for him, he disrespected you. Move on.

[Themeanreds]

Originally Posted by Alokin

It is not your bipolar, you have every right to be annoyed. Go with your gut, run! There is a reason you don't have "gooey" feelings for him, he disrespected you. Move on.

I agree with the advice given by the other members of this forum. I read and read your post and thought you did nothing wrong, in fact, I admire the way you handled the situation. I have the opposite issue, I ignore red flags repeatedly to my own detriment. Looking back, had I handled myself the way you did in this situation, I probably would have saved myself a great deal of heartbreak!

I also feel that since you both have been friends for quite a while that maybe telling him what you told us here might be a good idea to clear things up, whether you want to remain friends or want to pursue a romantic relationship with him. A friend will understand your feelings and accept them as valid. It is good to get resentments out in the open in both friendships and romantic relationships. No one can read anyone else's mind.

Be proud of yourself for exercising restraint. I am finally learning, and I have the scars of my heart to prove it.

[earth_maiden]

Thank you guys for the advice, I appreciate it. This had my head spinning!

[choocha]

You need to open up with him and just be honest with him about what you just said to us. That you have desired him for a long time but want to wait for a little while to get to know each other 1st. He will be fine with that, I'm sure. maybe he was genuine when he said he just wanted you to lie next to him. He is saying he wants some intimacy, and because he knos you do, maybe that's his way of initiating it. If he knew you were wanting to wait I'm sure he wouldn't have asked you to come over. Please don't let your BPD ruin this for you. He sounds like a great guy.
At least you can even date. I haven't been on a date for 5 or 6 years; it's been so long I've forgotten count. I can't accept that someone could find me attractive, appealing or worthy. So at least you're dating. Now you just have to not let your head do itself in over little things which could be cleared up with open honest dialogue. Good luck. Keep us posted.