My Guilt

I've read that bi-polars suffer from immense and exaggerated guilt during their depressions. Well, I left my ex-husband 11 years ago when my kids were 6, 8 and 10. My ex-husband actually had kept me stable for 17 years without one hospitalization and no meds so I figured I did not come down with the "manic-depressive disorder" that both my mom and grandmother had. For the last 11 years, I have been hospitalized 6 times and have been first on Depacote and now Lithium and began at that time self-medicating with alcohol (now only beer) due to enviromental triggers. My kids are all at Universities either out of state or 500 miles away and now are feeling the resentment towards my BP1 and drinking binges. I'm having nightmares (Temazapam) and exteme depressive guilt. <font color="#000088"> </font>

(((Maureen))) yes, the guilty and failure feelings are the strongest ones for me.
If you eve need to vent, PM me anytimes, today is not my best day, so my replies are just so people know I'm here, but I can hear you.
~hugs~

OHH I forgot.
WELCOME!

That is a generalization, doesn't necessary apply to all.
The immense and exaggerated feelings of guilt, can exist in people with Bipolar and those without.
I think you really need to work with a professional on this.
I found out drinking may seem like a quick fix but has long term negative effects on our minds as well as our health, "self-medicating" will only mess you up.
You shouldn't feel guilty about what your kids feel about your DX, go with a "real" plan, under a pdoc's care, be compliant, and you can get this under control, remaining stable possibly most of your life. I like my beer, but it can never substitute for meds and pdoc visits, nor should it ever. It may be a good idea, if possible, to get the kids into some family counseling,educating them about Bipolar, or even send for some literature from NAMI, at the begining of this forum, you'll see info on organization(s) that can help.
Can't promise the kids will get it, and if outsiders have tainted them with untruths about mental disorders, it may be tough. It helps when a spouse and/or therapist talks and explains whats going on with mom or dad, together all can make this work. But you need to know that you need to take care of yourself,work with a pdoc.,etc. others can't do it for you. It's really hard I know, but drinking is what intensifies our problems, guilt,anger,depression and even physical health problems, which is only making matters worse. I'm sorry, for my rambling, and I wish I had something more helpful to offer here to you.
Please take care,
DE

Biplol,
Thanks, and thanks for sharing your empathy with my feelings of guilt.
Maureen

Dark Eyes,
Believe me, my kids have been in therapy since the divorce. They are very aware of the disorder due to what I've told them, web sites, books, and peers that have it or first degree relatives that do. Also, they know that it is genetic. They are more resentful because they feel I met needs before there because I wasn't 100 percent there for them. I guess I feel more optimistic because my oldest is graduating from Homboldt with a major in psychology and my daughter is considering going to Med. school and then becoming a pdoc.Thanks for your feedback; I appreciate it.
Maureen

I forgot, "welcome to PC".
You will find a lot of warm,fun, and supportive people here, we are glad you found us.

Oh, I didn't know they understood the disorder, disregard my former rambling.
My son was about 15 when I melted down and got my DX, Bipolar-II(mild) triggered from family issue, I'm sure.
He's a sophmore now in college, major is psychology, maybe that has made things between us good, him having knowledge of some disorders?
I feel so badly, that you have to deal with this, it's bad enough you are the one struggling with BP.
Please never feel guilt about this, it's not your fault, no one chooses to have disorders/illness.

(((((((((( maureen ))))))))))))))

I agree with you completely what you had to say regarding alcohol. I'm well aware of the vicious cycle it puts one through. Pretty soon we're drinking over the very embarassments (especially our at times verbal venom or worse yet horrendous consequences that the alcohol caused in the first place.) Because I witnessed my mom returning home after being hospitalized having had ECT intermittently throughout my life (She did not self-medicate), I guess I would rather treat my depression with a depressant (initially a stimulant) and sit in a restaurant and endlessly discuss what caused this bump in the road instead of being hospitalized. But I'm kidding myself because at 50% of my hospitalizations were due to alcoholic induced suicidal depressions. However, I work on my self-prescribed medicating constantly,

Feel free to PM me anytime if you feel like talking, I'm in and out here all day.
Take care,
DE


(((((((((( maureen )))))))))

Thanks Dark Eyes. When Biplol said the same thing to me (i.e PM) I told my friend that she/he must be very depressed in the AM because she/he doesn't want to be bothered in the morning; of course I understood. But being now a "junior member" I'm catching on to the jargon. Thanks for the invite.

Maureen

Maureen, I'm a "she", actually it happened during any moment of the day, the thing is when I'm down, I feel the most guilt and failure feelings.
It is really hard.
~hugs~

Biplol,
I know you're a "she" because I only just 10 minutes ago looked up your "bio". I apologize for my ignorance; I'm so wound up with this "Bipolar thing" that I think everything applies to it. I've only succumbed to it 4 years ago being in complete denial before. So I assumed that PM meant evening when during my depressive states it lessens.
Maureen

Oh Maurren, please you don't have to apologize hon, it's ok, I do it all the time, and I feel overwhelmed like you.
PM (private message) me anytime!

biplol, I love this pic you have here, some of earth's art, which I love.

(De) My avatar or my signature?
My avatar is a pic from my balcony, I took a while ago at dusk and I edited in b/w.
The other one is actually a clip art from microsoft that I edited as well.
I have a bauch more, if you want any just let me kow.
~hug~