[wildflowerchild25]

Well. I took a couple of months off from coming here, probably haven't checked in since November or so. November 12 was when I came out of my last really bad depression. on Dec 7, I finished my IOP program that I had been in since September 1. It was a really proud moment for me as the last couple of weeks there I finally admitted some things to myself and the therapists that I had never said before, and forgave myself for some of the crap I have done. But after being in some type of therapy program (between DBT, hospital, and this IOP) for five months, i felt i needed a break from all things treatment, including the forums.

This also means I stopped my meds sometime back in December. I was unable to find another doctor in my area that was accepting new patients AND accepted my insurance besides the one I had been seeing, the one who decided to up my Celexa again after it caused a mixed state. The last time i saw her I begged her for help because i was mixed again and she flatly refused, saying only that she would take me off the celexa but not add a MS and that if i wanted help I should call the local DBT program and see if i could get into Partial there. Needless to say I feel that she didn't listen to me or respect me and i can't stomach the thought of returning to her care. So i just said f--- it I feel fine without them so whatevs I'll just roll with the punches as they come.

It's worked out for me for awhile now but I can tell i'm slipping and I'm not sure how much I want to gamble. Because nothing bad happened after I stopped meds i became convinced that it was a mistake, that I don't have bipolar disorder and maybe i was just stressed out by my first year of teaching in a very difficult school and that triggered mood swings.

Sometime after Christmas, though, my mom became concerned and asked me if i was ok. i assured her that I was and she said, "It's just that I've been noticing some things - you're staying up much later and not sleeping as much, you're talking very fast, and you're very irritable. This all happened before so I'm concerned." I thanked her for her concern and assured her once again that I was fine and on my meds (even though I'm not). I waved it all off. Even though I'd been feeling pretty great, it was nowhere near the extreme of hypo and mania that i went through over the past year. So i figured I was just baseline.

Now looking back I realize that I was indeed hypo, just milder than usual. I became looser with money (i'm the family accountant and control it pretty tightly unless i'm hypo/manic because we owe a lot of money in med bills). I definitely stayed up a lot later and I did not take one nap the entire winter break because I couldn't sleep. I woke up multiple times a night for an hour or so. And I should have realized, because the last two weeks I've been irritable as hell, screaming at my husband and getting annoyed with my son for no reason. But even if it was just baseline and not hypo, depression is getting me again. This past week has been a steady decline in energy and mood, and yesterday I felt the all-too-familiar crushing sensation in my chest and behind my eyes, the one that lets me know i'm about to break down in tears. I've had infinite patience for my students since we returned from break but yesterday I was about to grab one by his puffy hair and tell him what for because he was pissing me the hell off. I can feel the fact that I'm just giving up at work - i really don't care if you guys complete your research reports, just shut up and don't give me s--t!

I am worried. I cannot cannot cannot handle depression. I am basically non-functional. It causes me to lose time. It causes such problems with my husband. And it causes major problems with work because I have no patience or energy for lesson plans and certainly none for executing said plans. I will not end up hospitalized, though, at least there's that. But it's so soul-crushingly painful that I can't deal with it. I can use coping skills from DBT to minimize my negative behaviors but no skill in the world takes away the pain.

i would say I am mildly depressed. so I can either roll the dice and hope it stays mild as the hypomania did - hope i return to baseline or mild hypo - or I can start my medication again. I have a full prescription of Trileptal. But I obviously would need to start over from 300mg. I remember I took the full dose once in December after being off it for a week or so and I got sick. And I'm not willing to take the seroquel. It makes me way too tired. But even if i decide to take my meds again I have to find another doctor. I only have a month's supply. I sooooo don't want to do that. I tried in December and struck out. I could always go back to the company I was with before and just request to see the APN instead of the DR but i'm fairly certain she oversees the APN and double checks all of his decisions. UGH. I don't want to do this dance again. I was hoping this was all a mistake, that it was all over and that I could go back to my "normal" life that I led for six years in between the last major flare-up of symptoms. I mean MAYBE i'll luck out, right? Maybe it will be mild depression that I can deal with. Maybe the nine months of meds evened out my brain chemistry enough to return me to the manageable swings I had for six years. but if i'm wrong...and this depression turns major...the meds will take too long to kick in. I could get myself in major trouble in the interim waiting for them and I won't have a doctor or therapist to turn to for help. I could go back to the same program I was in before and just ask to see the APN instead. At least then I would have a therapist and someone to turn to if things take a turn for the worst.

Yeah. I just wanted to stop by, say hi to my old friends, and explain my predicament to people i know will understand. Thanks for your support!

[Weltering]

Goodness. I'm so sorry about your lack of choices for a doc. Perhaps you could find one and go private pay? For example: if you saw Dr. Crappy once a month (who accepts your insurance but doesn't listen), maybe you could see a doc who isn't on your insurance but will work with you once every three months as a private pay? When I didn't have insurance pdoc charged $100/visit and tdoc gave me a discount of $60/visit. If your copay is usually. $30/visit, if you can find someone who works with you and you could go once every three months?

Just a thought. You're probably just looking for support but I remember never considering a non-par dr when I had insurance. Not such a big deal to go to "whoever" participates for a cold or broken bone, but not the case with mental health. Sometimes we have to think outside the box.

[wildflowerchild25]

Eh unfortunately we are drowning in medical bills from my husband's nerve damage. All extra money right now goes to those bills so I honestly can't afford to pay out of pocket for anyone. Thanks for the suggestion though! I appreciate the thought.