[A Red Panda]

Based on the recent thread about whether or not you would erase your bipolar existence.. it made me wonder about how many people would keep it because they've always experienced bipolar to some degree in opposition to people who were diagnosed late in life.

So I decided to make a poll to see more clearly. Humour me and fill it out?

And by "diagnosed" I really mean when you first started to show symptoms. Some people I know show symptoms/awareness but take years and years to get diagnosed. Whereas I know that some of you have only first experienced an episode when you're somewhere in your adult life.

[~Christina]

I'll keep it ... It's part of me.

[HopeForChange]

I'd keep it. It has made me a more compassionate and understanding person. I feel like the person I was before diagnosis was fake and immature, and now that I've gone through some pain, I'm a better person for it.

Best,
Hope

[A Red Panda]

What I'm finding interesting (so far.. it'd be lovely to have a really large response to this!) is that with the people who've basically always known that they had this.. there's more who would choose to keep it as opposed to erase it.

But those who have developed it later in life, there's a higher chance that they want to be rid of it.

I'm not looking at specific numbers. But 3/4 "Always" chose to keep it (so 75%), whereas 3/7 Adult chose to keep it (42.9%).

I find that interesting because I think it would go like that as those of us who can't remember ever being different than how we are... it's such a big part of what formed us that it's hard to even imagine being someone else. But for people who've had it set in at a much older age... you can remember what your life was like before hand, and you were already established one way.

[Raindropvampire]

I've always had symptoms but all I knew was that I was just like my mom and grandmother. I didn't find out that what I was experiencing was bipolar until I was in my late 20's early 30's. All I knew and was told growing up was that my mom was whacked out erratic and I was "crazy" just like her. I hate the mood swings and the temper flares. I hate spending most of my time so depressed I can barely function. I would get rid of it in a heartbeat.

[Moreta]

I would completely rather not have bipolar. It has ruined my life several times. I just feel that I would've done so much more in my life. I would've probably went to a better college and gotten a basketball scholarship, but I went crazy my senior year of high school and quit everything. I only applied to 2 colleges cause I was so depressed. I wouldn't have lost my accounting job and maybe would've moved up in the corporation. I wouldn't have to take so many meds that have fried my brain. My memory would be great, b/c I always had a great memory until the meds. I hate the bipolar and it just seems to get worse as I get older. It's sad when my New Year's resolution is to not have to be hospitalized more than 2 times.

[nbritton]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I'll keep it ... It's part of me.

Much like Christina stated, it's part of what makes me who I am. I could do without the symptoms, but the experiences have definitive molded me.

[A Red Panda]

I'm finding this poll really interesting - thanks everyone for taking part so far!

Currently it's 4/6 (66.7%) of the "Always had it" crew would keep the diagnosis.
1/3 (33.3%) of the "Diagnosed Young" crew would keep it.
6/12 (50%) of the "Diagnosed Early Adulthood" crew would keep it.
2/6 (33.3%) of the 40+ crowd would keep it.

Always vs 40+ are total opposites right now!

I'd not keep it. I had SO much potential before it turned my life on its head. Seeing how far my friends and family have got, free of mental illness, makes me sad that I have not been able to achieve as much in my life. I hate not being able to work full time. Even working 20 - 30 hours a week makes me sick. So very very annoying and makes life in an expensive city a whole lot harder.

i think because i've lost so mujch in my life, and i've had it for so long, yes i'd keep it.

if i was to erase it all from memory now, i'd be lost because their's so many missing years where i could have enjoyed things that people my age do, but missed out on

[token451]

I haven't had symptoms all that long, only 7ish years and even though it helps me out some in my job, I think I would still rather wish it away.

[redbandit]

I put that I was diagnosed early adulthood and want to get rid of it. I'm not sure if I answered completely correct. I've had depression/anxiety/ocd as long as I can remember, even as a young child. I had a couple hypomanic episodes as a teen, but didn't know what it was. In fact, I thought it felt pretty great. After taking psy 101 as a freshman in college, I first learned what bp is. I thought "omg this is me!". It took my pdoc a few years to diagnose me. But yeah, if I could get rid of it, I would. Interesting poll

[A Red Panda]

I'd went for "always" because I knew I bounced around from really bubbly to depressed throughout my life. It was just me and I learned to work with it. Read about bp in highschool and was like "yeah, that's probably me right there!" and continued working with it. haha.

I do find it interesting that even with our small sample of 33... the only category that has more people saying they'd keep it are the people who've always had symptoms.

[avlady]

i don't understand why anyone would want to keep an illness!!I am happy that i do have a diagnosis but i dont want to have it

[A Red Panda]

AV: For me, it's because I can't imagine being me without it. But knowing what my family was like, I think I would have ended up a lot worse off if I hadn't had some hypomanias making me think/believe that life was actually worth living.

My best guess of myself minus the hypomanias: I still would have been depressed as my family life wasn't very fun. I show a lot of the traits for Avoidant PD although I'm not diagnosed with anything - but those are the sorts of issues my T is working with me on. I would likely be nearly a recluse if I hadn't experienced hypomanias and then trained my behaviour to mimic it more often. It gave me confidence that I was able to apply to my life when no longer hypomanic.

There was no one in my life until maybe the last year or two in highschool that showed any real faith or caring towards me. Without the hypomanias, I wouldn't have had a single thing to encourage me to try and be happy or to push myself to do the things I wanted to do with my life.

So... I'd risk keeping the bipolar because if I didn't have those ups, I'm not sure if I would have had the strength to withstand.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by avlady

i don't understand why anyone would want to keep an illness!!I am happy that i do have a diagnosis but i dont want to have it

I don't define it as illness per say. It's just what I am for better and worse.

Been like that as long as I can remember and I would be bit scared of normal... what if I would be the kinda person I don't like in my "normal"?

and the hypomanias are magic. And i even learned to appreciate some of the pain, eh.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by avlady

i don't understand why anyone would want to keep an illness!!

I guess part of what makes it easier for me to vote to keep it is that I no longer view myself as ill.

Also, I believe, that the other factor we the yay sayers have in common besides "always",
is the fact that we don't completely seperate the bipolar from ourselves as individuals.
For many of us its formed part of our identity without consuming us.

I tried it that way, I mean the medical model dictates that we should view ourselves as ill. But it just made me feel so much sicker all round. Its like that ill mindset fed my symptoms and my bipolar was in high gear, definitly at its worst.

After about of year of pure hell, I chose to revert to my pre-dx mindset, that I'm differently wired. And because I've always been differently wired, even since childhood, I see no reason to get rid of what shaped me into the woman who has become an awesome compassionate single mother, a gf who has thee most accepting bf and an empathic friend who can comfort through every life event because I've lived it tenfold twice over myself.

I also decided to be a mother on what I now realize was a very rebellious, impulsive, defiant, hypomanic whim. I was 19 and my family had already set the date for my abortion, without my input...

If I wasn't in that mindset at the time, I would not now be the proud mother of my greatest blessing and biggest accomplishment of my life.

So while I acknowledge that bipolar wreaks havoc, I also know that some of us can look through the storm clouds and find a silver lining.

[~Christina]

I'm me..... not an illness .

[LostNgone4ever]

I'd keep it, it changed me from an extremely quiet and scared person to someone who when manic could do anything I put my mind to. Now even though I'm on medication and I don't have extreme episodes I know that I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to because I've proven it to myself. I'm more confident now. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made it through college w/o being biploar.

It's part of who I am.