[anarchy]

hello everyone.

well.i just spent 20 minutes in my profile typing in my bio with one finger and hit submit,, (bio to long hit back button)..lol.glad i saved it before i hit submit..so im not wasting it,,someone has to read it ..lets see if it fits here..
and if it does and i posted it in the wrong section please feel free to delete it or move it.and please don't mind my spelling,read on and you will see why.
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MY STORY(LOL)READY.
ok.im 42 and live in connecticut.i have 5 kids and all but one are on there own.now the horror part starts.i came from a really messed up family,my mom hated me from day one or at least as far back as i can remember.my sisters and brothers don't want to have anything to do with me because of the upper life style they have created for themself.and i really don't blame them for that at all.i don't fit in with them or there friends so why try or bother.my family has always turned there check the other way when i am around.i was removed from the 5th grade and not allowed to attend any public schools system.(thanks mom).i had problems since i was in the 4th grade.i could not sit in a chair for 10 minutes or my legs would start to feel funny and my mind would run wild.and i had no problem with saying what was on my mind no matter what the punishment was when the teacher asked me .wrecked my first love affair because of my big mouth.and a lack of trust to her because i believed all woman were like my mom.second one was just a totally messed up ordeal,she was a total jerk and new i was having problems and that was what she used on me when ever we had a misunderstanding.i was called a retard,mental case,nut job and what not..lol..that was the only truthfull thing that ever came out of here mouth.and now the 3rd..IM IN LOVE..i have been with her for 17 years and we have 4 children,4 are hers by her first marriage and 1 is mine.she is GREAT.and we now have 2 grand children who i love so so much.she has been there for me and put up with all my faults.and theres alot of them.jobs,,well;l theres a joke.i had a job painting that worked out good for me.all by myself and what ever hours i wanted...perfect..well i was doing great for 3 years and then my depression and whatever else they find wrong with me took the better of me.i would walk off the job for no reason at all and i had no clue why i did it.i would get paid and spend the money like a total fool.so that job went south.another problem..i dont think about tomorrow,,its all about right now.i could care less about the punishment for my actions at any time,,if i wanted to do something or by something i did it no matter what..FRIENDS,,i turned away from them all 10 years ago and never looked back.i hate to be around people at times and the at other times i love a crowd.my health..lol...i have not been to a doc since 1984 for anything at all.i am scared to death of them.and another reason is i have no $ or insurance so why bother.i realy realy hate to owe anyone anything.i don't trust anyone and i am very very very over protective of my family..i do not drink or do any drugs of any type,i smoke 2 packs a day and i am hook on my computor.she says this has helped me come out of my shell a little and likes the fact i am talking to people online..you no what,,god bless her because if i had to live with someone like me i could not do it.so i am willing to give it a chance and see what i can do to change myself for the better.this can go on and on..if people new my whole life story they would look at me and say,,your still alive..
well,this all needs to change.i am 42 and i have finally found something to live for.my 2 grand daughters..i love the heck out of them and i don't want them to see me like this.i am in a pickle at this time.i have no clue as to where to go or who to talk to.i really want to get some help but i no i will get the run around or they will pass me off to the next guy,.like i have had done to me my whole life..well sorry about the long winded sob story..im just looking to be pointed in the right direction and am afraid of the rejection i may receive.

[anarchy]

spell check rules..makes me look like i know what im doing.

[JonB]

Welcome. Lots of nice people here and lots of good info. Hope you find something of interest to you.

[Pughead]

Welcome. I'm a new guy too. I believe I would be totally lost without professional help, so I encourage you to seek it again, even if it didn't work so well in the past.

I will say that it's very frustrating to get your foot in the door. The process of finding a psych and therapist could very well trigger some people...it nearly triggered me I think.

Again, welcome!

[biplol]

{anarchy} Welcome to PC!
Really interesting reading about your life, there are so many points in common with mine, lol~

[wanting]

Welcome to PC. I wouldnt be scared of doctors but i do sometimes wonder if they are the mad ones instead of me.

[bizi]

Welcome to the forums.
You have been given some great suggestions here and on the other area as well.
It is very hard getting things lined up and it will take motivation on your part to see this through.
Unfortunately when You are depresed..ya just don't feel like doing much of anything.
I congratulate you for taking these steps and posting here.
That is very brave of you.
I would encourage you to keep posting...your speed will improve with time.
Hang in there and let us know how we can help you.
bizi

[azpoet]

Hi anarchy,

Just read your post, and I can say that you're not 'alone'!! (lol!) I just joined this site for similar reasons (ie: looking for 'answers' to my mental challenges which have eluded me). As mentioned in the previous message, keep posting. Someone may have the advice you've been missing. Hang in there, okay?

azpoet

[anarchy]

wow..thanks for the advice everyone.im sorry about not getting back to the site and thanking you all sooner.i was lost in my own little world the last few days.seems the problems in my life just seem to be compounding and im getting more and more depressed as the days go by.BUTT,,i am still focused on getting some help for myself and i have convinced my self to not take NO for an answer or let anyone give me the run around when i do go for help.im not putting it off .JAN 1ST is my start date and i will go thru with it.i am reasearching all the local mental health programs and what ever catch,s my eye while searching.so jan 1st i will be on the road to who knows what..lol.i believe i have just about reached rock bottom but not totaly.i still have my girl/wife but i see that slipping away also.i have made up my mind to sit her down and talk to her tommorow and say i am sorry for being such a total burden to live with,and believe me i have been that and then some.i am shocked at how much i have put her thru and she still find the time to say i love you every night.so mabie out of the kindness of her great big heart she will see i am going to make the changes needed to become a better and healthy person ..im keeping my fingers crossed ..i know ,i have to do this for myself and no one else..CANT,i have to do it for the both of us.without her i am nothing.she has been my doc,friend,family and wife for 16 + years and she knows me like a bad book.so.i would just like to say thank you all for taking the time out of your life to reply to my cry for wolf.i am greatfull to you all and i will keep in contact with the board members.im sure i will have ?? about all of this..HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND THANKS AGAIN.

[bizi]

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anarchy said:

i have made up my mind to sit her down and talk to her tommorow

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this is the best idea.
Communication is everything!
YOu sound like a great couple.
keep up the great work.
hang in there
fall down 7 times get up 8....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Your grand children are very lucky to have you in their life. My children (30 & 27 now) gave me a reason to live & pursue wellness. They are very happy that I have been relatively stable for awhile. I was very depressed during their childhoods, but I explained that it had nothing to do with them.

Keep trying to get the help you need. Your life will improve dramatically.--Suzy