I'm feeling very confused and hopeless today and just need somewhere to express myself.

I think there are two main things that are making me feel upset today.

1.) I don't know if I really have bipolar disorder. A year ago I saw a therapist and she diagnosed me with bipolar I disorder and told me to see a psychiatrist for medication management. I wasn't sure that I had bipolar disorder so I ignored her advice. Although I have had distinct mood episodes where I was very manic or very depressed that lasted weeks or even months, I more often have days where I go up and down very fast. The going up and down really fast confuses me because that doesn't seem like bipolar disorder to me. Also, I sometimes feel like I'm agitated and depressed at the same time, and I don't know if that is really mania or depression. Because I can be very talkative and impulsive and hyperactive but also suicidal and hopeless feeling. To be perfectly honest, the majority of my suicide attempts in the past happened when I was simultaneously up and down- not just depressed.

2.) I've been trying to see a psychiatrist. I had a suicide attempt a while ago and the hospital threatened to have me committed involuntarily. So I thought I better see a psychiatrist. The waiting list for appointments in my area is very long, but after waiting several months my appointment day arrived. And...I got lost, arrived at the doctor's office 20 minutes late, and they refused to see me because I was late. So now I have to wait until May to see the psychiatrist. If I really have bipolar disorder, it scares me to wait this long to get on medication. I thought about going to my regular doctor to ask for bipolar medication, but I don't know if it's a good idea or not since she is not a specialist.

I'm sorry this post is kind of long and maybe convoluted. I just feel all over the place right now.

[Nightside of Eden]

Sorry you're having such a hard time, Zoba. I also live in an area where seeing a psychiatrist in a timely manner is impossible and work exclusively with my GP for medication management. GPs are not "specialists", but they see a lot of mental illness, especially in areas like ours where the actual specialists are too few to handle the need. I would definitely suggest seeing your regular doctor as soon as possible.

[gris212]

I 2nd that! Any help is better than no help.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by zoba

I'm feeling very confused and hopeless today and just need somewhere to express myself.

Because I can be very talkative and impulsive and hyperactive but also suicidal and hopeless feeling. To be perfectly honest, the majority of my suicide attempts in the past happened when I was simultaneously up and down.

There is a state in bipolar I disorder called a mixed state which is exactly what you described. I had the same thing a few times last year. Super energetic but super irritable, angry, and dysphoric. Those are the times I feared for my safety because in a depression I still have impulse control, so even if I want to die I won't take steps to make it happen because I can think it through. In a mixed state I have intrusive visions of my chosen method and I can't resist. I was hospitalized all three times for my own protection.

As for the doctor, you can try to go to your GP if you are concerned. Mine wouldn't help me because it was too complex but I live in the US in a state where there isn't more than a two month wait for a pdoc. The only thing I would say about that is if you think you have BP 1 stay away from antidepressants until you can see a pdoc. They can cause manias or mixed states (mine were all med induced). You don't want that unless you have someone to call on.

Honestly hough if you've made it this long without meds it won't hurt to wait until May unless you are concerned now. If you are, definitely try to see your GP.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I've been on an antidepressant, and the therapist I saw said that it could be making my mood episodes worse. So I have been gradually weaning myself off of that. I think I'm going to see my regular doctor this week, but I will also keep my appointment with the psychiatrist for May. I have gone a long time without medication, but lately I've become more aware of how dangerous my mood episodes can be.

[Victoria'smom]

My gp (US also) was the first one to DX me and treat me for bipolar while waiting for my a psychiatrist appointment