[blackroselee]

I am at the point now where I don't want to continue, I don't mean I want to kill myself or anything, I just mean I don't want to try anymore.

The list of things I am tired of is as follows...

Psychiatrists
Psychologists
Doctors
Medication changes & Medications in general
BREATHING EXERCISES!!
People telling me things will get better
People tip toeing around as if I could explode in any second
Been treated like I can't make my own decisions
Been jealous of everyone for having the type of lives and friendships I want
Sitting at home while other people go out and party
Feeling like a burden
Having no self esteem at all

I just want people to leave me alone, I want to sit at home and watch youtube and stay in my pajamas all day. Since I don't work that is pretty easy to do except my husband tries to get me out of my rut which irritates me even more.
We haven't had sex in weeks and I don't feel like it at all. I'm pushing him away and I don't even care. I swat him away when he tries to touch me, If he tries to sit by me I move away. He is such a lovely person and he deserves better, we have been married for a year on the 30th of March and I know I love him but I can't feel anything if that makes any sense.

I don't like leaving the house and I hate group gatherings. I have nothing to say so I just sit there and make things incredibly awkward. I know I'm in self destruct mode because I just want to drink and take drugs and smoke cigarettes all day...and I don't even smoke.

I'm taking my medication like I'm supposed to, I'm seeing my psychologist and psychiatrist regularly so what the hell is wrong with me?!?!?
Things are meant to be improving, people told me if I did these things that I would slowly start to feel like myself. But I don't even know who that person is anymore. I want to leave the life I have now and start a fresh. I miss feeling excited for things, having aspirations. I don't feel anything!

People ask me what I have been up to and I never have anything new to say. If I try to rant to someone like this they tell me that only I can make things change...What the hell do people think I have been doing?!?! Vacationing?

I force myself to go out, I force myself to talk to people, I force myself to eat and shower, I used to force myself to go for a walk everyday and that only made me feel worse. I have no energy to feel anything let alone go and exercise...

I knew I could vent here because by the off chance someone does read this, they will understand how I feel rather than just guess like other people in my life do.

I have hardly any friends.....I'm really lonely. I don't feel like I can talk to the people in my life anymore...I need some friends that understand, I need some friends that want to vent and talk about how **** it is rather than tell me the things I should do to improve it...

Sometimes you just want to talk to people, not be preached at.

Do you want to be my friend?

[gayleggg]

Oh, I understand your rant. I'm tired of the same things. I've been battling depression for over a year this time and nothing seems to help. I just go through the motions. I do work however, but I just go through the motions there, too. I hibernate on the weekends. I can't remember the last time my husband and I had sex and don't really care.

I do keep hoping with each med change I will get better again, but have been really disappointed this past year.

I don't talk to friends about it, not that I have but two, one doesn't get it and the other one is so depressed I hate to depress her more with my stuff.

Sounds like we are already friends.

[wildflowerchild25]

You're right, we do understand. I've been where you are many many times, and I get so annoyed by people who give me advice, especially when I've already followed that advice. My husband is great for that when I'm depressed. He just tells me that I can't let it beat me, I just have to try harder, get up and get out, etc etc. it doesn't help.

When I am depressed or just irritable I can't stand to be touched either. Recently me and hubby had a fight about it. Not over sex because he's injured so we don't do that very often anyway, but over just hugging and kissing and normal intimacy. I don't really know how to combat it except just take a few seconds of being uncomfortable and move on.

The only thing I can say is your meds may not be right for you but I'm sure you know and I'm sure you're doing all you can. I found a med that's good for me finally so I feel better.

Just gotta keep fighting like you are. I don't have any friends either really and I never have so most of the time it doesn't bother me. You can always PM me and we can talk more!

[swheaton]

Keep fighting. I understand how you feel and all of us are friends here!

[tigersassy]

Omg! I could have written your post like word for word. And I'm stuck waiting on april 21 for my pdoc appointment. I feel for you.

Tig

I totally get where you're coming from. I'm in a depression too, and sometimes just existing is painful. Glad you're here.

[Curiosity77]

I can relate to a lot of that, you are not alone.

[cwgrlyipp]

Maybe see if there are any BP/Depression groups in your area? It's been helpful for me...nami.org

[blackroselee]

Thanks for you messages everyone.

It's really nice to talk to people that feel like my peers rather than my carers.

If anyone ever wants to vent and rant, feel free to message me =)

[ayana95]

I can related to what your going through. Feel free to pm me. I have to force my self to do a lot. I appreciate a good venting.

[wing]

i could've written this rant. thanks for doing it for me.