Last night I had a huge crying/yelling fit. I told my husband that I hate my life and want to kill myself- that I hate my job, my apartment, and my marriage. I told him that all the times I act happy that I'm just pretending. Obviously, my husband was very hurt by these comments. This lasted for several hours, and then when it was over I just felt numb and emotionless. Now, this morning, I just feel bewildered. I have no idea why I acted like that or said those things. They're not even true. I like my life (generally) and I love my husband and want our marriage to stay happy and healthy. I woke up feeling like someone else had said all those mean things and cried and carried on like that. I feel confused and ashamed and embarrassed. Why the hell did I act like that?

Can anyone relate to this feeling of not understanding why you've done something? This morning my husband is still really upset but I just want to move on and act like everything's fine because I feel fine now. He wants to know why I said all those things, and I would love to tell him, but I DON'T KNOW. I have no idea why I acted like that. It's so frustrating. Any advice or compassion would be greatly appreciated.

[nowIgetit]

me me me me me. I've been doing this for years around my period and ovulation and then after I had my son it just started happening randomly any time. I'm thinking of you today. are you on meds? I completely understand exactly what you just described...feeling super angry and like all of the good times weren't "real," then just being numb/exhausted and then embarrassed/confused the following few days. then you feel normal and convince yourself it won't happen again. been there, it sucks, but with proper treatment it can get better! honestly thinking I wanted to leave my husband multiple times and then regretting saying it the next day is a big part of what prompted me to first talk to my doc about my symptoms.

Originally Posted by nowIgetit

me me me me me. I've been doing this for years around my period and ovulation and then after I had my son it just started happening randomly any time. I'm thinking of you today. are you on meds? I completely understand exactly what you just described...feeling super angry and like all of the good times weren't "real," then just being numb/exhausted and then embarrassed/confused the following few days. then you feel normal and convince yourself it won't happen again. been there, it sucks, but with proper treatment it can get better! honestly thinking I wanted to leave my husband multiple times and then regretting saying it the next day is a big part of what prompted me to first talk to my doc about my symptoms.

Thank you so much for this reply because it makes me feel not so alone. I really felt like I was going crazy. I have done this in the past, too, but last night was especially bad. I'm not on medication right now. I was only recently diagnosed with bipolar and am waiting to get in to see the psychiatrist. I'm hoping that with medication this will improve. I don't really think I have multiple personality disorder, but that's sometimes how it feels. Like someone else takes over my body, does a bunch of mean stuff, and then leaves me to clean up the mess. I'm just using this as an analogy- not literally.

I've done similar, it'almost like I am outside of myself, watching me do and say things, and sometimes later I can't even recall what I said. Thankfully it's only happened a couple of times but I hurt both my mom (who I would never say boo to) and my husband. It takes a while to get back their trust and for them to understand "it wasn't ME". This too was in the early stages of my illness just prior to my diagnosis.
Couples counseling can be really helpful for you both in dealing with your illness. My husband and I have gone a few times (it's not ALL about me!)