feeling different

Last night I went to a party with a bunch of friends I hadn't seen in a long time. I had an OK time, but it was also somewhat alienating. First off, I was the only sober person because I can't drink or take drugs without major problems. Secondly, it seemed like life is easy and fun for all of them, where for me things are so much harder. I wish I could just get absorbed in dancing and forget everything else, but part of me stays stuck in my head. Everyone was dancing and hugging, and I was there, but sort of the outside as well. I used to love to party, and I would be in the center of everything, now it's like I'm on the outside looking in. I'd been avoiding going out for months because of depression, so it was good that I went last night, but it also makes me realize how different I am and how life will probably never be easy and normal again. The same thing happened last weekend when I tried to go out. It seems so unfair. I want the old me back, but that person seems to be gone right now. It makes me want to stop my meds and do reckless things, but instead I just stayed for a couple hours, and came home early. It's like I feel better when I'm working because there is no pressure to be cool and have fun. I know there are a lot worse problems in life, and this is pretty minor by comparison, but it's still hard. I am grateful for the people on PC because you guys understand the struggle, but I wish I had more friends in the real world who get it. So alienating.

Maybe you can look at things differently. One - you went out twice - that's amazing! Two - maybe you should find a new group of friends that don't drink or do drugs - then you won't feel so left out. You are a different person but that doesn't have to be a bad thing if you find people like you with your interests - they don't necessarily have to be BP - just open minded and caring.

I feel you in the realization that you can't go out and have a good time and be in that scene because its really unhealthy for you. But it's a pattern and it was fun and did make me happy at one point??

Finding new positive outlets is essential I think and once the depression lifts I think its easier to be open to those sorts of things. Its hard and discouraging but you aren't alone.

I sgree with what magicsmom said. I.find when and if I go out...which is very rare...I get memories of when I was drinking and smoking.pot. I wasn't truly happy then. I was undiagnosed, major hypomanic and severally depressed. I.just seemed on the outside to be happy and fine cause I wanted my friends to see me that way. I was totally self medicating with the alcohol etc. Turned out my friends still cared about me when I didn't drink or smoke pot. They understood. There were a few that didn't but I realized they weren't true friends anyways. I had alot of fun when I would go out with my friends and drink but.like magicsmom said you can find a new circle of friends. You can still keep some of the ones you have.and go out to lunch or coffee with. Yr real ones will stick around. Keep on being true to yr self. We're here for you.

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I understand so much how you feel. First of all I commend you for getting out. That has been such a hard thing for me to do and I pretty much hibernate. But I think the more you (we) get out the more comfortable you will feel. I feel I have completely lost myself. None of the things I used to do provide any pleasure anymore. And I am very uncomfortable around most people. I know I am going to have to "MAKE" myself do things if I want to get better. Keep trying. Don't give up.

" You have to ACT yourself in a new way of THINKING, you can't THINK yourself into a new way of ACTING."

Thanks for feedback and reading everyone. I got a nice text from the friend who's birthday was night saying he was glad I came out. I think going out is good for me, it's just hard when it used to be all fun. I spent today with a close friend who just got back from out of town. We went for lunch and shopping, and I felt comfortable and relaxed. I need to accept the way my life is now, and look at it as a positive that things are not so wild. I don't think I can sustain a low key lifestyle forever, even though I know it's healthier for me. Part of me is bent on self destruction, but I don't have the energy behind it now that I'm medicated. I'm going to give life medicated and sober one year, and then re-evaluate. I've been living this way for 2 years now, and there are pros and cons to it. I'm definitely more stable and safer. so maybe my perspective will change and I'll start to feel those are positive things, instead of seeing them as defeat. I'm really too old to be feeling this way, I should know better by now.