[TheatreKid]

I'm trying really hard to stay out of the hospital right now, but things are not improving and for the past couple of nights I think I should go. I keep holding off until I speak to one of my professors tomorrow to make sure the person working on a project with me won't get penalized if I disappear.

The thing is, people around me don't understand it might be necessary. Friends are telling me to just focus on staying out of the hospital, and the very sentence makes me feel hopeless and so tired. I honestly can't fight any more.

Even my mom doesn't understand my depression, because I'm still able to smile and laugh when I'm depressed - largely forced, because I've learned to hide, but not all depression is constant immobility. I have my fair share of immobility too.

I feel like everyone thinks I'm not that depressed and therefore am wasting time and a hospital bed if I go.

I think my friends are done with me, so I should just do what's right.

Could be the depression talking though.

[littlemiss44]

I think if you feel deep in yr heart that you should go then go. Don't hesitate. I am in the exact same boat you are. Been spending the last two days pondering if I should go or not. People around us think we're fine. If we give one smile or a fake laugh then they say we're fine. It's so not ok. We're forced to be fake because of other's opinions of our mental illness. Friends mean well but if they don't suffer from mi then they have NO idea what it feels like. My depression is so bad ib can't see straight. You wouldn't be wasting time or take a bed because it is there for you. I.hope you can get in touch with yr professor to figure out the project situation. I would just go. They are there to help you and yr worth it to go. I'm worried about my parents opinion of me if I go. My.mom would think im ridiculous if I go and she would be vehemently mean about it. She is very self centered and pessimistic. She would say what is so bad in yr life that you need to go to the hospital? That is the main issue here that people can't wrap their heads around is that it's mental illness. It's not a weakness. I hope you make the right choice for yr self. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk more ok? I'm here to listen. Hugs

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[hamster-bamster]

I am sorry to say but your mom is not perceptive and is not attuned to your needs, because for a perceptive person it is not at all difficult to tell a forced smile apart from a genuinely happy smile. So - it is her shortcoming. Do what you think is best. That even in the times of hurt you care to protect the reputation of your project mate is really impressive - you must have a big heart and a heightened sense of personal responsibility.

[TheatreKid]

Thanks littlemiss44. A friend actually offered to go to the hospital with me yesterday or the day before, I can't remember. So I sent her a message asking if she was available on the weekend to go with me. I'll see what she says. It would help to have company.

I will talk to my prof tomorrow after class about the group project. I don't care if I fail the course, I just don't want my partner to suffer for my problem.

I don't live with my parents, and they're pretty supportive, they have shown up to talk with my doctors before, back when I was experiencing a lot of psychosis they met with the hospital psychiatrist and took me out for a meal and let me talk about it a bit, but they're really bad at sharing feelings so we don't talk about it. They've visited me at least once every time I've been in the hospital, even if it was an hour's drive, and the second time I was in the psych ER they dragged my sisters and brother an hour's drive to where I was too, to bring me pajamas. I never really remember hospitalizations so clearly, but I know they care, even if they don't understand.

My friends care too, they came in droves to visit me in the hospital in November, the nurses kept remarking how no one has as many visitors as I did over the 3 weeks I was there. We've just been so distant since then.

hamster-bamster, thank you for the nice words. My sense of responsibility is the one thing I usually like about me. I have a reputation for being reliable. I think this professor will understand, in November I was in a play he was directing and I had a manic episode and a depression and held on JUST until the show was over, then my psychiatrist hospitalized me. Apparently people thought that was commendable. This time, I don't have much to hang on for.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by TheatreKid

My friends care too, they came in droves to visit me in the hospital in November, the nurses kept remarking how no one has as many visitors as I did over the 3 weeks I was there. We've just been so distant since then.

You need to thank your friends for coming to the hospital and explain to them that bipolar, by its very nature, is a cyclical illness. Had you fractured your leg, one would have expected your leg to heal and not bother you eventually, but not so with bipolar. If you explain that key thing to them - without talking about the actual symptoms - to just drive home that people with bipolar cycle and that is what makes the illness completely unique - you should do fine.