[bpfarmerswife]

I'm still trying to come to grips with husband of 21 yrs having an affair. Here's the shortened version of what all has happened:
Caught husband with a prepaid cell phone. He kept telling me "it wasn't him" and that he could never have done this to our family. There was no sex, but was kissing involved. They talked and texted for first month, second month would meet and speak at Walgreens, Walmart, road at bank. Then SHE asked to meet at public park. This is where SHE asked him to kiss her. (he stands outside of her car) Then third month SHE asks if theres a more private place they could meet. So they start mtg for her lunch hr a couple days a week and sit in her car. SHE ADMITTED TO GETTING A PHONE FIRST, ASKING TO MEET, ASKING FOR KISS

He started taking diet pills and pdoc said that caused stimulant induced mania. We knew NOTHING about bipolar until the affair and we went to therapist because he attempted suicide and was cutting really bad. Tdoc brought up bipolar so we said yes in the family (Uncle was diagnosed manic depressive yrs ago and other Uncle committed suicide-he was hospitalized for depression prior to death) Pdoc then diagnosed husband with bipolar and manic episode.

During episode, he DID NOT think he was in an affair. Felt he was doing NOTHING wrong that it was ok to be doing. He thought of her as just a friend, not girlfriend, lover , etc. Says he feels nothing from it. No emotions, has very little memory of it, no feelings


Symptoms we now look back and see:

****THIS WAS ALL BEFORE WE KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT BIPOLAR

Dieting to extreme (lost weight really fast)

Excessive alcohol drinking

Exercising beyond normal capabilities

Grandiose thoughts (felt could ride bike unrealistic distance)

Playing music really loud

Buying music

Acting like teenager again (reverting back to youth?)

Inflated self esteem (thought everyone should notice weight loss)

Moody and very irritable

Did not take criticism well at all from me or his mother

Was not sleeping well and took Benadryl to try to sleep

Does all this sound familiar to first manic episode and WAS IT POSSIBLE FOR HIM NOT TO KNOW HE WAS DOING THIS???? He said it felt like some sort of "force" was pushing him. This is all so way out of character for him. He is very remorseful and is doing better now.

[kaliope]

I do agree it sounds like a manic episode. takes me back. it does feel like a force is pushing you. you do do things out of character and they make total sense when you are doing them. only when you come out of your mania do you realize how wrong they are and the shame you feel is overwhelming. it is like, how could I have possibly thought that was ok? that doesn't even make sense? but it made total sense while you were doing it. and what makes it harder to accept is we are smart people so how could we have been so stupid? yet we were....it is a horrible horrible curse of an illness.

[bpfarmerswife]

Thank you for replying. It sounds like you understand and are familiar with exactly the way he is describing it. This is all so new to the both of us and we're trying to figure out what all has happened. If you have any other advice on how to deal with this situation or episodes in the future, please share. I know this is a cruel illness and I wish the best for all who is living with it.

[jesusplay]

call me an asshole but he's probably lying about parts of the story and bipolar is his scapegoat.

Everybody lies.

I'm not saying he doesn't have bipolar cause I'm not a doctor, but the story doesn't add up.

[r010159]

Originally Posted by jesusplay

call me an asshole but he's probably lying about parts of the story and bipolar is his scapegoat.

Everybody lies.

I'm not saying he doesn't have bipolar cause I'm not a doctor, but the story doesn't add up.

Sounds like a type of mania. But I agree, the story does not add up. There is more to it than he is willing to admit.

[TheatreKid]

If you think there's more for him to admit, there may be more he can't remember. I know when I'm manic, once I come back down I have huge memory gaps and the whole thing seems kind of surreal and hazy.

I don't have a lot of experience with navigating relationships or marriage with bipolar, but maybe getting therapy together would help? The therapist could help you understand bipolar disorder better and could help you come up with strategies and a game plan if this happens again.

Hi, and welcome!

The dieting/exercise/weight loss parts seem like part of something else, not bipolar. And "Acting like teenager again (reverting back to youth?)" sounds very mid-life crisis-like. Which of course doesn't happen at the same age for everyone (or happen at all necessarily), and you don't mention age, but mathematically, with 21 years of marriage, it's well within the realm of possibility.

Of course, there's no real way for me to know if he's got BP or not, but the "stimulant induced mania" part bothers me. It is specifically noted (in pdocs diagnostic manuals themselves), that symptoms caused by a substance are NOT to be counted toward fulfilling diagnostic criteria. So… guess I'm saying I hoping the pdoc was careful to look into "the whole picture", as they say. (He probably did, it's just that professionals should be careful on the substance issue, I don't always think they are and it bothers me.) The family history can be a very common thing. Bottom line is that it's the sum total of the quantity of diagnostic criteria met and the level of their negative impact on one's life are what diagnoses are all about.

I've got BP II, so, though I get strong hypomania, I've never had full-blown mania. Which is to say there are things that lay beyond the realm of my experience. That said...I can't say that I didn't know what I was doing (though I probably don't have an accurate picture of how it comes off to others, or the magnitude of it, I'm not completely oblivious of the actions themselves). My memory is not so sharp and I do have things people say happened that have no memory of, but they are pretty minor things. It's not like I lose giant chunks of memory, but I DO (nearly always) think later, "what the hell was I thinking??!!". In times of being in an episode being "very out of character". OH YES.

Most of all, to you. It cannot be easy and my heart goes out to you. Be sure to care for yourself.