[JaydedLayde]

(Well, it was when I started. )
*WARNING* *WARNING* Possible Triggers! *WARNING* *WARNING*

I always know when a downward spiral is in the works. I wake up at 3 a.m., already on the verge of tears, with the crushing weight of Despair sitting squarely on my chest.

I can't breathe.

My hands are trembling.

My mind leaves in a desperate attempt to find a way out, 'any' way out, so that I can escape Despair.

I fight to break free, to get out from under Despair, but I have no strength. My reserves are tapped and I'm still exhausted from the last fight.

Despair grabs me.

I'm jerks me out of bed, with the strength of a grizzly and the speed of a cheetah as if I am nothing more than a rag doll.

I'm don't struggle. I know it' too late. This battle was already lost the very second I awoke and felt the presence of Despair.

Despair drags me down a path so familiar to me that it almost feels like I'm going home.

The usual suspects join the journey.

Grief punches me in the stomach.

The Pain twins, Emotional and Physical, cheat as usual. They attack simultaneously.

I fall to my knees, sobbing.

I don't have the strength to get up off my knees.

They attack again.

Emotional kicks me in the head.

Pain kicks me in the back, full strength.

I bite my lip and stop the Wailing Scream in its tracks. I cannot allow it to escape and jerk my husband from his peaceful slumber.

He wants me to wake him when I'm under attack, but I don't. Losing sleep is such a small thing to him, compared to knowing I suffered alone. It's a huge thing for me. I 'want' to hear his soothing voice and collapse into his comforting and protecting hug. I 'want' the love and the safety that I feel in his presence.

He is the 'one' person I know I can count on to be here for me, no matter what I do, or say. He tells me, often, that he loves me. He calls me his Life, Love, and Hope. There aren't many made that are like him. I love him with all of my heart and truly appreciate all that he does for me and with me. So, if I can handle it on my own, I let him sleep.

There 'is' another reason I fight so hard to keep it from escaping.

It's not only some sort of strange victory for me to hold it back.

Wailing Scream doesn't 'just' bring my husband to my side.

Wailing Scream is also the summoning call for Guilt.

Finally, they leave.

Exhausted, I use everything I have to stand.

There is no joy in this 'victory'. I cannot feel joy. I am too drained to feel anything right now.

I know there will be more battles. I know I will win some of them. I know I will lose some. I know some will be easier. I know some will be tougher.

I also know that Depression is back in town. It will watch. It will wait. It will attack the moment I let my guard down.

Depression always makes me ride its roller coaster and I 'hate' roller coasters. I can't stand all of the ups, the downs, the twists, the flips, the turns, and the nauseating speed at which it travels. I can't stand the plummet. It makes me feel as if the world just dropped out from under me.

I hate everything about Depression.

I need to go now. Otherwise, I'm going to end up in Depression's company and I'll end up, again, on a ride I don't want and a ride I didn't ask for, either.

I am exhausted and now I will go sleep. (Hopefully)

Take care of you.

[wildflowerchild25]

I just wanted to say that was really beautiful and I relate very much. I often personify (hey this week's English lesson!) depression in my writings. Good luck and I hope you get relief soon.

[Standup2me]

I was moved by what you wrote.

It is the way I've felt so often. but never was able to articulate

[gayleggg]

I, too, am moved by you writing style. It explains it better than I've ever heard. I can relate depression rules my life.

Hope you were able to get some sleep and have better days ahead.