[prettybear]

Hello,

My boyfriend of only short time (3 months) has schizoaffective disorder. He was manic and hospitalized before we met and fell into a depression about three weeks after we met. He was honest about his condition from the beginning so I knew what I was getting myself into.

He's not on medication and refuses to ever take it, saying it makes him feel worse.

His depression has been getting worse and now he sleeps most of the day. He is struggling with his hygiene and isn't motivated to do normal "life things" like laundry. He's turned down three job offers because he wanted to sleep and he's slept through two job interviews. We don't talk as much as we once did because he sleeps when I'm awake and awake when I'm asleep. We've barely hung out recently (it's been a week and a half since I've seen him).

I'm being as supportive as possible while also telling him that he needs to see his doctors and to get help. He's becoming hostile and stubborn, and now refuses to even see his psychologists. He said he just needs to sleep and he'll feel better (a plan that hasn't been working for a two months).

I don't know what to do at this point. I spend so much time researching his disorder and different meds, but he refuses to try them. He refuses any treatment. I've contacted his mother (he's 21 and lives at home) about my concerns and made it clear that he's approaching a crisis but I don't know if she can be tough with him. My next step is to email his psychologist with my concerns because I'm certain that he downplays the severity at his appointments.

I told him last night that I need a couple days to myself to think about everything. He asked if I was breaking up with him and said he understands if I do, but we both don't want that to happen. The stress is really starting to get to me. I want my old boyfriend back, desperately. I keep waiting for him to come back.

How do I cope with my boyfriend being in such a deep depression? How do I cope with the guy I was recently so head over heels about being so different and unmotivated to do anything (including seeing me)?

[Marshellette]

He may be right that certain medications he has taken for bipolar have made him worse as just like any drug, different drugs will produce different effects in different people and not every drug all the time is going to work for him. What I do hope is that he finds SOMETHING that works because one can't run around destroying lives or others' lives, I have learned that.

[catsrhelm]

That is not depression he is in, it's denial. Until he snaps out of that, all you can do is pray.

[prettybear]

No, he is deeply depressed. He may be in denial about the necessity of drugs, but he is deeply depressed.

He is now refusing to see me. I said I wanted to visit him on Saturday to bring him Easter candy and just sit with him (not forcing him to go out or anything) and he refused, saying he wants to sleep. I've read that you need to be present in your loved one's life, even if they resist. How do I give him support and care without making him resent me?

I don't know what to do anymore

[jesusplay]

3 months? cut your losses with a clean break.

[r010159]

Originally Posted by jesusplay

3 months? cut your losses with a clean break.

Codependent relationship? I suspect trying to be the enabler is just not going to help him or her. IMHO I also think she will be doing both of them a great favor by cutting her losses and moving on. I think this is for the best.

[wildflowerchild25]

You can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped. If I refused treatment I wouldn't expect my husband to Stay with me. Staying with him honestly is only enabling him to stay sick and turning your own life upside down.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

You can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped. If I refused treatment I wouldn't expect my husband to Stay with me. Staying with him honestly is only enabling him to stay sick and turning your own life upside down.

I agree with this, and all the other members who have suggested that you move on if your boyfriend refuses to be responsible. He has a serious medical disorder: agreed. However, he is an adult and thus responsible for himself. While I understand and appreciate your desire to be supportive, it is not your role to be "responsible" for him.

Also, I don't know if you ought to contact his psychologist unless such an arrangement is already in place. Would he appreciate it? I know that sometimes one has no option but to "invade" another's privacy (e.g. to protect innocent bystanders), but I don't know if this is justified in your boyfriend's case.

Just because he's depressed doesn't mean that he isn't in denial (which he seems to be).

Good luck.

[prettybear]

Sorry, I didn't make it clear that I wouldn't contact his doctor without his permission. That would be a huge breach of trust, and I would only do it with cause. He's been talking about "ending up dead," so that kind of talk made me consider asking him to either contact his doctor or let me contact him.

I realize it's not my role, it's just really hard to let someone suffer. I realize I can't save him.

Thanks for your opinions and help

[r010159]

Originally Posted by prettybear

Sorry, I didn't make it clear that I wouldn't contact his doctor without his permission. That would be a huge breach of trust, and I would only do it with cause. He's been talking about "ending up dead," so that kind of talk made me consider asking him to either contact his doctor or let me contact him.

I realize it's not my role, it's just really hard to let someone suffer. I realize I can't save him.

Thanks for your opinions and help

You are one good person! Just do not allow yourself to get caught up in someone else's problems.

[littlemiss44]

You've only been with him a short time. It is not good that he refuses meds. You may be getting yr self in over yr head. I would never expect my bf to stay with me if I refused treatment. Now he won't even see you. This could turn into a co dependent relationship really quickly. You really may want to cut yr losses. I would understand if you've been together for a long time but he's not giving you anything to hold onto hun. I'm so sorry yr going thru this. I know you really care about him but denial with depression is nearly impossible to crack. Im not trying to be negative just realistic. I wish you luck.

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