[bongotimes]

Hi everybody,
This is my first time posting anything online, I am really sorry if I unwittingly break any rules, but I'd really appreciate any opinions/thoughts anybody may have. Here we go...

I'm 21, female, and have spent much of my life feeling decidedly empty. From the time I was 14, I enjoyed having friends and always had many "cycles" of different friends. The common denominator in all of this is me however. They are all still friends with each other but I am not friends with any of them.
I tend to get bored of people/situations easily, everything has "novelty" value that wears off rapidly and I move on to the next thing/person quickly. I went through lots of phases always, periods of time with new ideas and plans, most of which I would not follow through on, some of which I did (with underwhelming results).

If I feel like a friend for whatever reason resents me/doesn't like me as much as other friends, I get deeply offended and move on. I was always quite non-confrontational. Since I was 16, on and off I have been heavily into drugs for periods of time, and then drug-free (except for perhaps cannabis) for long periods of time (mostly because of parental control), then I delve back into the world of drugs, always excited to try new things. If I'm not using drugs, there will be times when I will abuse alcohol, or even caffeinated drinks just to feel "something".

I am generally considered to be an outgoing/energetic kind of person, I work in a public facility ( I don't want to give too much away, in case of identification) when I'm not studying (I try to study anyway). People I meet in the work generally consider me to be fun-loving and friendly, although I do not bother to pursue any of the relationships I create with people that come in. There are short periods of time where I feel quite depressed. I tend to eat a lot during these times, often eating until I'm so full I feel sick, and as soon as that wears off slightly I'll eat more and bring myself back to that point. Having said that I am like a hawk with watching my weight, and I get extremely depressed at the sight of even an extra pound on (it happens often.) My self-esteem is usually extremely high, but is very easily diminished (although it usually bounces back fairly quickly).

I find that my life feels like a rollercoaster - but a boring rollercoaster that I'm tired of being on. I failed university dramatically the first year due to excessive drug use/not attending college, and took a year off in which I fled the family household (despite their protests) with no money/real plan but plenty of ideas, moved to a different area for about a month or two (I honestly can't remember), and suffered at the hands of my impulsivity. I returned home depressed, worked, and was accepted to attend uni again the next semester. Life seemed like it was on the up (slightly). Although I still felt unsure about everything, even concerning my choice of career ( I still chose the same subject nonetheless) - I knew I didn't want to work in a public service for the rest of my life, as I felt somehow superior to the customers, and didn't like the idea of directly serving others as a career. That summer, I made lots of friends/relationships, none that felt satisfying however.

As soon as I moved back up to college, the problems started again. This time, I felt like an outcast in the class - I felt that nobody liked me/I didn't identify with anyone, and I feigned a friendship with a few girls just to have someone to hang around with, I didn't like them/find them fun to be with at all however. I met a guy from the class that I clicked with somewhat (mainly because of all substance abuse issues), and proceeded to head down the same path as I had before.

However this time, I left out the stimulant abuse for the most part, and cut down dramatically on my smoking after a while, but still felt *empty*. Sometimes I would feel full of beans and ready to go on an adventure/do wild things/make crazy unrealistic plans, and sometimes I felt depressed, and I would cry for no real reason. I would think about suicide everyday no matter how I felt, not about actually committing it, but more about not being here any more/not feeling this way. I self-harmed a couple of times again when I was feeling particularly under-pressure/anxious/frustrated/energetic (mostly simultaneously).

Over the past couple of years, I have been developing a temper. I was always very quiet and non-confrontational (as I previously stated), but now I find I am EXTREMELY moody, I can be very happy but switch to rage in a split second, being extremely irritable yet the life of the party (so to speak, I don't attend many parties these days, mostly by choice) . Anything is liable to set me off, from a breeze blowing through an open window in the library, to my classmate who is currently one of my only friends. I find that the more I hang out with him, the more annoying he becomes to me, and more often than not he sets me off without being aware of it. I find in these happy times I am indeed hypersexual, fantasizing about sex and I will basically try to initiate it with whoever is most convenient, and usually in a risky manner (I'm sorry if this offends anyone, I am being as honest as possible).

Then my mood will drop a bit, I won't want sex any more, I will become tired and even more sensitive than usual, and not even listening to music interests me, I will sit on the bus in silence as opposed to commit to listening to a song. I will lose the temper for the most part during this time, simply not having the energy. I always had plenty of hobbies/was an over-achiever in general, and since I attended university/some of my secondary school years, the under-achievements just kept rolling in. I hoped that there was indeed something wrong with me that could be fixed, so I attended a GP and a psychiatrist, who both thought I had "bipolar" symptoms, and I was put on a mood stabilizer.

However, the whole point of this, is that I am afraid that subconsciously/consciously even, I may have influenced the answers I gave when I visited the psychiatrist. I was already aware of the symptoms of bipolar, and feel like I identified the most with this disorder, if I was to pick one. However, I don't generally experience sleep issues at any time, I find that sometimes I won't need as much sleep as I think I will, and will function normally on 5-6 hours of sleep.
Alternatively, sometimes (usually when I'm not too happy) I won't be able to wake up despite a very long sleep, around 10 hours on a daily basis. I don't experience racing thoughts, but more like an inability to concentrate (kind of a brain fog when I don't feel too good) and sometimes I am easily distractable, especially when I have a bit of energy under my belt. Apart from those things (which I understand are key), I do appear to experience many of the symptoms of typical bipolar disorders, although I found it hard to recall how long the periods of different moods lasted for when I was questioned about them, as my memory seems to get worse as time goes on.
My moods I admit can be quite erratic even throughout the span of a day, sometimes I'm looking for something new/exciting to do (generally nothing constructive), and sometimes I hate life/everything in it and wish I would not wake up.
Recently, I went through a period for a couple of weeks where I did a monster amount of work for college, for about 10 hours a day, and would leave college feeling positively high, noticing myself blabbering at 100 mph with my friend barely able to get a word in. Then as suddenly as that blast of productivity came, it stopped, and I was feeling down/tearful and completely unable to concentrate/do work (prompting my visit to the doctor.) I was referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder, which I previously thought I might have, though I'm also filled with doubt, thinking that perhaps it's a figment of my imagination and I just wanted something to be fixable/ wanted people to care.

I love being the centre of attention, and possibly due to my progressive lack of close friendships as time goes on, and I feel like I want to believe there is something wrong with me that can be fixed, because I don't like who I've become. Almost friendless, starting to feel out of touch with others and generally "weird" (how I describe my feelings a lot of the time).

I don't want to feel like I have a "defective" personality type or that I'm doomed to fail due to my own inability to manage myself. I always depended on my parents to push me and in times of freedom I went off the rails, completely unable to adjust to responsibility. I was always a happy kid and as time went on things just became one huge disaster after another, alternating with periods of mild progress. I have no self-control when it comes to most things, and am able to throw caution to the wind in times of good humour.

I'm sorry about the short novel I just wrote guys, but I'm feeling particularly conflicted/concerned and I guess I would really appreciate some opinions or even questions on the matter.

Thanks so much.

[wildflowerchild25]

Have you looked into borderline personality disorder? One of the criteria is chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness. Another is involvement in self harming activities I cousin drugs or promiscuity. Another is emotional instability that rarely lasts for more than a couple of days. Also getting unduly angry at people.

I can't concentrate today so other people may be able to give you more insight into BPD.

Anyway I think your description sounds more like borderline but I'm not you so I can't know for sure. All I know is that you're having symptoms that are causing you distress. Best bet would be to get into therapy if possible so you can start to figure some of this stuff out.

Welcome to PC! I would say read some of the things here, and also visit the BPD forum to see if you identify with anything.

[Curiosity77]

I agree with Wildflowerchild, what you are describing sounds more like BPD than bipolar. But we can't diagnose you, so it's a good idea to talk about this possibility with your pdoc. It's also possible that you could have both BPD and bipolar, because they often occur concurrently. Whatever the diagnosis turns out to be, I hope you find help and support on this forum. I find the people here very helpful. welcome

[Trippin2.0]

I have a dual diagnosis or bipolar and borderline, and I agree that what you have described are my borderline struggles, not my bipolar at all...

The chronic emptiness and boredom, the chameleoning between different types of friends, (root being identity disturbance or more accurately a lack of a solid identity) the erratic moods shifts based on how others affect me, the pulling people off of the pedestals I put them on when I percieve that they've wronged me, the irresponsibility when nobody was available to reign me in...

I'm not a dr though, so I'm not diagnosing you. I'm just a patient with sometimes way too much insight into my crazy for my own good.

[bongotimes]

Thanks for the replies guys, and I will discuss it with my pdoc next time I see her, I'll let yee know the outcome anyway!