How good are we at conflict?

I wonder how all of you feel bout dealing with people? Specifically when there is a good chance for conflict? Or do you if at all possible avoid it altogether?

A specific situation has come up with me. I take care of my mother. I get help from a hired part time caretaker, and the neighbor is of great help too. I pay the neighbor $120 per week to fill in for me. Being the smart businesswoman, she has tried to make herself invaluable to me. I am sure she is going to hit me up for more money. But I cannot afford to pay her what I am now.

She has been a good neighbor and friend to my mother for years. She is very good with my mother who has dementia. But I need to lower what I pay her to $80 per week. This can involve some conflict that, I may be unprepared to deal with.

What would you do in a situation that may place you in conflict with another person? What if that person is friendly and helpful? What if it is a person that you will have to deal with in the future?

I don't know if that will really be conflict, but she will probably not like the news that you have to pay her less. She might say she doesn't want to do it anymore. I can't really imagine that she would get mad at you if you tell her you can't afford what you are paying. You haven't done anything wrong. I think it could be an awkward conversation, but if you are honest with her and tell her that you appreciate what she has done, it will probably go OK. I would have a hard time having this conversation too.

I get a little too confrontational, so conflict
often becomes an all out war

Yep. She is preparing me for a request of more money. She just went on about how her checking account is overdrawn and how she has no money. This is very uncommon for her to do. She usually has an angle with these sort of things.

Soon the planets will align and the request for more money will come out of her mouth.

Well you have the advantage that you know she's probably going to be upset. It's not like when conflict arises more randomly. I think the important thing is to make sure you keep yourself slowed down. Try not to let her yelling (if she's the type to yell) make you respond with yelling. If you're both yelling it just escalates things completely. Aside from that, just remember you're not doing anything you're doing to hurt her or put her out.

Can you beat her to the finish line by bringing up how much caring for your mother has drained your checking account and that you don't know how you can afford to keep it up. The next time she brings up her finances agree and say me too, I have way too many bills and not enough money.....this economy is terrible.

Mostly I avoid conflicts if I can, but this sounds unavoidable.

Confrontation is really hard. That lady has been there for you and yr mother for a long time. I can't see her taking it wrong but it will be hard to talk about finances with her. Maybe tell her how much her help has meant to you...that you don't know what you'd do without her help. Explain that you wish you could pay her more but that financially you are strapped. Say that the quality of help she provides is priceless but yr only able to pay her 80 dollars a week. That you know she's worth more but you now can't pay her more. Will you be able to pay her more in the future? If so tell her that. Try and stay neutral and calm. Tell her how much her help means to you. I hope I've been helpful. I think it will go ok. It just depends on how you present it to her that will matter. Ib wish you luck. Let us know how it goes.

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I like this approach. I may be able to pay her more in the future. But as long as I will pay her less, I will make sure to use her less.

Well, my neighbor is now crying that her son spent all their money in the checking account. So I decided to deal with her about this later.

Today I told her, my neighbor, about my financial situation and how I need to use her less, for I cannot pay her what I do anymore. She was a little shocked. Then she said I can take money out of my bank account to pay her. This would cost me $500 a month that I do not have due to my SSDI income. And I am certainly not going into my bank account for something that is not very necessary, no matter how useful she is.

Is this lady for real?

She is denial right now, thinking I will find a way to not.decrease what I pay her every week.

Is this lady for real?

At one time I was paying her $800 per month because I needed someone badly, and she knew this. This was for about 6 hours a week. Now that a caretaker is coming every day, I cut down what I paid her to $480 per month. She still thinks my mother is rich. That basically she is a money tree for her to take advantage of. LOL Amazing!

I bent over backwards making this as painless as possible. But I got to realize what I must do has got to be done by me. I did tell her that my priority will be to increase her pay back up to where it is now as soon as I can.

Enough ranting!

I feel like *****. I feel like the bad boy. I hope her denial will end soon. I really do hope this works out.

That is really unbelievable, if she is only helping out 6 hours a week she's getting 20 dollars an hour. Most unskilled people who do caretake work are lucky to get minimum wage. After I had back surgery their was one worker here who thought I had money too, I'm on SSDI and have been for a long time, but I take care of what I have, and always have to make choices. I still have a record player from the 1970s. Back then I was working and could afford nicer things.

Confrontation for me is so unbearable that I do everything to avoid it because I'm afraid of what I will do. I am short tempered when it comes to confronting people. When I have to talk to my wife about what she's spending money on it usually becomes a war. Unfortunately for me its one extreme or the other. I freak out on the person and become the bad guy or I let it go and get stepped on.

This is exactly how I used to be until recently. The difference now for me is that I am also responsible for my mother and her money. The pressure is not easy, diarrhea and stomach cramps and such. But I force myself to deal with it. I need to have enough money for groceries and other important things for instance. I have no other choice. But if I was the only one involved, I would avoid dealing with this problem and allow myself to be stepped on. I still would have the stomach cramps and diarrhea and episodes of panic.

I told her that all I can pay is $80 per week. I told her that this will be at least for one month to see where my finances turn out by the end of the month. My mother and I get checks at the beginning of each month. I told her that I stopped taking money out of the bank and I am now having trouble paying for groceries for what I pay her every week. But she is still in denial. She said if I had to this for a couple weeks wound be fine. Huh? What did I just tell her? Its not like she has any choice in the matter.

I think she does this on purpose to be difficult for me to cut her pay. First she gave me a sales pitch on how I need to keep my mothers interests foremost in the money situation, and I should be willing to take money out of the bank to pay for my mothers care (meaning the care by herself, the neighbor). After all, my mother has all that money in the bank. Huh? I hope she realizes that she even though is very helpful, she is still a luxury to me except for emergencies. And I refuse to be a money tree for her. What me or my mother has in the bank is irrelevant in this conversation.

Then she wonders how I can take my mother to places I need to go, that it would be a dangerous situation for my mother. I told her I would do all of that when the caretaker from Medicaid comes every day including Saturdays. I also told her if it is just for a short time, like an emergency, I can either have her come in with me or I can leave her in the backseat with the child locks on. But I do not see this as being necessary. Emergencies like this rarely come up. And I take her in with me.

This lady is unreal! I do not right now see her as anything like being a friend there to help in this situation. I guess when it comes to money, everyone is out for themselves from her perspective. And she does not see anything wrong with this, after all, I "have all that money in the bank", whatever that really means.

Where do you think this is going? Why is this more difficult than it needs to be? Does anyone see a conflict coming my way?

Thanks!

THIS. She does these things in order to manipulate you into doing whatever serves her purposes. And will frame it to make it look like anything and everything but. I was writing a post last night about it, then decided maybe it wasn't my business to say, but the more you write about it, the more I believe this to be the situation.
I don't have specific answers, but firm boundaries will be your best friend. Hopefully someone will be able to suggest some good reading, as I can't remember what book it was that first clued me in on the subject, but wow, was it ever a revelation! They are really really good to have. The one thing is that yes, if someone is used to using you as a doormat, they will likely not quite believe it at first and will test it (like kids, really). But it's one of those things. It feels hard to do early on, but makes things a LOT easier in the long run.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying you are a doormat(!) But I feel you on the fear of conflict thing. And how. And one so easily leads to the other. And it boils down to boundaries. (And I can relate to Flummixed too -- sometimes I can be explosive, so I really have to work hard to avoid -- or better, defer conflict to when I'm not feeling like a rabid wolverine -- like in a super irritable hypo -- when I'm not afraid of anything.)

Now, confession. Yes, I am still basically a doormat (decades of habit don't change overnight). But LESS of one. And can assure you that you will be unbelievably proud of yourself when you utilize them! Like, holy ****, that actually worked! And to not feel resentful and like crap about myself?(!) WOW! Double bonus points!