[wildflowerchild25]

Does anyone else consistently minimize the severity of their condition? Like tell yourself you're just being dramatic or that you're the one causing all this and it's easily rectified. And then it turns out not to be.

I do this all the time. Most of it is because i can't trust my own self. Much like another member of this board, I grew up faking illness and injury because I felt like it was the only way to get anyone to care about me. I got so good at it that i would actually have the symptoms of whatever illness or injury. Once right after my dad died from complications of diabetes i thought I had diabetes. I got all the symptoms - fatigue, extreme thirst, extreme hunger, etc. When i went to the doctor to get tested i didn't have it and the symptoms went away immediately. I also hurt my foot once and thought I broke it so it was super painful. Then the doctor called bull and my foot suddenly had no pain the next day.

So you see, I can't trust myself. Every day I say i'm just being dramatic. it's very difficult for me to see what others see.

For example, I will never admit to full blown mania because I don't want to pretend i'm manic when i'm really just hypomanic. Because I don't want people to think I'm looking for attention. I was dx bp2 a year ago. Then the dx changed to bp1 because of a mixed state. I had a very hard time accepting that reality. I thought maybe I was just making it up.

Then I read on here that people with bipolar 2 also have mixed states so I decided i was "only" bipolar 2 (which I don't believe is any better than bp1, still devastating at times). I had a psychotic episode but I believed it was medication induced so it didn't count.

This line of thinking for me always leads me to ditch meds because I feel like I'm just being dramatic and i shouldn't need pills to help me through the day.

The reason i'm asking now is because i was confronted with the severity of my condition last week when I was a quivering mess of paranoia. I'd never had psychotic symptoms that were not medication induced. So now I do believe I have bipolar 1 and I'm just so upset. How can I learn to accept my condition? I must convince myself that it is real and can be very dangerous if I don't stay in treatment. The terror I felt those few days was horrible and i never want to go back there.

And i'm worried that I will never be stable again....and i need to put a plan in place for when I am because i will be tempted to ditch meds AMA again and though many people can live without meds, i need them right now. Which SUCKS.

Thanks for listening. I'm manic as hell - I can admit this time that it might be full-blown - and the geodon is doing absolutely jack **** for stabilization. But it took care of the psychosis. And it keeps the full-blown mania at bay for about half the day. I just need to hang on until i've been on the Lamictal long enough to determine if it's a help or a hindrance.

[Victoria'smom]

Does anyone else consistently minimize the severity of their condition? yes, no matter how many times I'm told I feel my bipolar,schizo affective, or whatever is on the very, very, low end.

[TheatreKid]

I minimize constantly. Usually I need a friend to back me up. I've doubted my own manic episodes until friends have confirmed that they caught it even before I did. That's not a great system though, because usually the only people who can tell when I'm manic have already had some experience with a family member or friend. Everyone else just thinks I'm in a REALLY good mood.

I had a friend help me list the signs she saw that told her I was manic once, just so I had something to bring to my doctor. I am really good at toning it down in the pdoc's office.

With other illnesses, I guess I'm pretty normal. I have no qualms with getting them checked out. I get unduly anxious about health problems though, and also fear getting a reputation as a hypochondriac, because I don't want them to disbelieve me the one time it's a legit serious problem.

[Nightside of Eden]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Does anyone else consistently minimize the severity of their condition? Like tell yourself you're just being dramatic or that you're the one causing all this and it's easily rectified. And then it turns out not to be.

Yep, all the time. I doubt the diagnosis, figure it can't really be a serious problem since I've never been hospitalized, think about stopping meds because maybe they do more harm than good...

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by Nightside of Eden

Yep, all the time. I doubt the diagnosis, figure it can't really be a serious problem since I've never been hospitalized, think about stopping meds because maybe they do more harm than good...

I hear you! I've never been hospitalized either, though I've been threatened with it a couple of times, and I tend to believe I have only a minor case of BP. At one point last fall, I even got to thinking I was just going through an existential crisis and wasn't really bipolar at all. Then I look at my meds, which have been prescribed to me by a very conservative psychiatrist, and I know he wouldn't have put me on two APs if I didn't have a serious problem. Oh well.....

[TheatreKid]

When I was having kidney problems from the lithium and the doc was taking me off it, I complained to her that "the lithium is working, though!" She then reminded me that I've been hospitalized twice in the past 2 years and had to drop out of school twice. Hah.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks guys. I'm definitely manic right now - woke up at 4am and cleaned every available surface in my house did gardening and painted with my son. Can't stop talking. Even on here l can't pause for punctuation!!!

Christ I need to get it together. If I don't my doc in the IOP I'm going to will surely tell me to take off work and I can't do that!

No, I don't minimize my mental illness and I don't deny that I need medication to function in life.