[Moxxxie]

Last night I felt like going to the hospital. I'm feeling more in control today, so writing this scares me because I don't want to bring back how I was feeling last night and how I've been feeling lately.. I've become more afraid of things. Afraid that people are against me, afraid of police, the government, war, terrorism.. I've been having more intrusive thoughts that instead of being these small, easy to avoid thoughts, they are more in my face, more convincing and more confusing. confusing in the way that Im having a hard time distinguishing between my ill thoughts and whats rational. I've had suicidal thoughts during panic attacks and had the suicidal thoughts remain after the panic attack is over. Thoughts of cutting myself, hanging myself, drowning myself, jumping to my death, and taking all of my pills... I just cant seem to shake the thought that my mental state is going downhill. the worse I get the less I can do and the worse I get the more unpleasant I am to be around so the worse I get the more likely it is that the people I love wont want to be around anymore. the worse I get harder it will be to accoplish my goals.
My anxiety is daily. my panic attacks are several per week. my paranoia is slight but it wasn't there at all before. My anxiety/panic is mostly when I'm not in my apartment, whenever i have to be around people or go outside. especially on the bus. I hate having to wait to get off the bus. also it took me a couple weeks to get the courage to get my hair cut. my panic attacks have also been about getting worse and losing everything I love. being unable to care for myself and being a burden to my boyfriend. I just feel like I'm franticly trying to be normal and carry my own weight, not be a burden even though I feel like I can't manage my life. I just want to get back to normal.

[Yoda]

Have you been in the hospital before? Sometimes it is necessary.

How long have you been on your current regimen of meds? Perhaps adjusting your meds to different dosages or different meds would help your symptoms.

[Moxxxie]

I have gone twice. once when I was 17, then 6 years later when I was 23.. now another 6 years have gone by and it's time to go I think. my meds haven't been adjusted in about 2 or 3 years so you're probably right about that

[roads]

I'm glad you found this board, Moxxxie. I'm a bipolar alcoholic, and I agree with Yoda from personal experience ... sometime hospitalization is the better option.

You aren't alone in the general sense of there being so many of us bipolars, and you can build a support group of people who've been where you are by participating in the forums and connecting one-on-one with folks you feel a connection with.

But yes, in a real life sense loneliness is where many of us dwell. I have no family left and few friends. But I've managed to still have a few, and I know some of my neighbors fairly well. Acquaintances, at least.

It's so hard to cope with this bipolar monster. I don't see any mention in your post of current treatment. Do you have any sort of therapy or medical support now? If your meds haven't been adjusted in a few years, that's sure worth checking on.

Here, in the forums and in private posts, as well as in therapy, I've learned some coping skills. I also have at least one person in my support system on whom I can call anytime I'm entering the dark zone, contemplating the Final Exit.

I'm so glad you posted. This is a holiday weekend, so you might not get as many responses as quickly as you would midweek, but people will connect with you. Keep coming back. Post often.

It's an awful way of life, but it can get better. This is a good place to be.

Roads

[LUNARMIST7]

Inpatient is probably the best bet for you right now. It will also be better to change meds in the hospital where they can monitor you.