[Resident Bipolar]

I decided a couple of months ago that I wanted to come off my medication for a multitude of reasons - ranging from the need for freedom and wanting to leave all reliance on medicine behind. At first I went the wrong way about it by just suddenly cutting down all my medications to 0mg in one night. That went badly.

So, with a large supply of lower dosages of all my medications I decided to gradually decrease my dosage over the course of two weeks - starting at 50mg and then 25mg at a time. I suffer from some horrible Quetiapine withdrawal symptoms, so I had to take painkillers for the last few days to curb the painful headaches.

It's been five to six weeks since I finished my last dosage of all medications I was on and I've not really felt too much of a difference, except I have a much better ability to wake up early in the morning. I was expecting my personality to come bursting back through and to be able to once again develop the intimacy I once had with my own identity and self worth. That hasn't happened as of yet and I'm still struggling to become the person I once was.

My mood has, at times, dropped to be quite low since the cessation of the psychiatric medications I've been on since I was 14. This is only a sporadic and brief occurrence, however. Other than that I feel fine in myself and the bonus of being able to wake up early in the mornings will be even more of an advantage of a medication-free life once I'm able to find a job fit for my needs.

I didn't discuss coming off my medication with my psychiatrist until after I'd already been living without it for a month. I've recently spoken with her about it and although she was worried at first, after a long conversation about how I've been coping she warmed to the idea. She even said that she hates prescribing medication because of the way it affects people - sometimes it can have the opposite effect to that which patients wish for.

What surprised us both came when she asked the inevitable question: "How about suicidal thoughts? Any improvement?" I explained I still have fleeting moments of contemplation but that I don't want to die, I fear death and I WANT to live. Wait, what? For the first time in six years I WANT to live? I FEAR death? For once, the miserable psychiatrist I'd struggled to form a bond with since I met her developed small wrinkles around her eyes and a huge grin. "I've never once heard you say anything along those lines" she said, with glee more than that of what I myself felt saying it.

That's not all. I was also told that she thinks I'm in the position where I'm able to drive and that she would no longer have any qualms about me having a driving license, and that I would certainly not be denied one again like I have been in the past. Progress? Yes. Progress.

What now? I'm not sure. I have a lot of things to sort out. It's not going to be easy. There are many pieces of my life to recover. Being at the age of 20, I have the added inconvenience of having to make life choices such as which career path to follow. I'm studying from home at the moment and in the process of being referred to a service dedicated to getting people with "severe disabilities" back into work.

Of course, Bipolar never just goes away. There's always the risk of a relapse. For now however, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Thank you everyone for your support, compassion and understanding.

Resident Bipolar, sounds like you're on a great path! Nothing but good news! Best of luck with your continued success - - I'm so happy for you!

[hamster-bamster]

Yay to fearing death and wanting to live! That is exactly what a healthy and fine young lad should feel.

[princess_ria]

hate to be the bearer of bad news...

i decided to wean myself off the 5 meds i'd been on since 17 last year at the age of 31. i was fine for 4 months. i didn't tell anyone, except my boyfriend who was of course worried. but i was fine. for four whole months. then i had a breakdown. i was put back on my old meds gradually, but suffered major side effects. took three visits to the mental hospital over three months before i finally got balanced again.

you may feel good and like you're progressing now, but you never know when you might crash again.

[OutlawedSpirit]

I think so long as you have a plan in place in case things go south it's wonderful that you're doing so well now. Although I love my meds, I don't think they are the only way. As long as you are willing and able to use other skills to handle the rough times, I am happy that you seem to be on the right path for you.

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[Resident Bipolar]

Originally Posted by newgal2

Resident Bipolar, sounds like you're on a great path! Nothing but good news! Best of luck with your continued success - - I'm so happy for you!

Thank you. I've got a long way to go but I'll get there eventually. The biggest problem is the big gap in my CV but while I'm unemployed I still have plenty of time to study and gain more qualifications before progressing into thinking about a career path.

Of course, at the age of 20 most people are still trying to determine what they actually want to do for the rest of their lives and inevitably that changes multiple times through adulthood.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Yay to fearing death and wanting to live! That is exactly what a healthy and fine young lad should feel.

Haha, quite comical to read "YAY TO FEARING DEATH". I do wonder whether or not a celebration is in order?

Originally Posted by princess_ria

hate to be the bearer of bad news...

i decided to wean myself off the 5 meds i'd been on since 17 last year at the age of 31. i was fine for 4 months. i didn't tell anyone, except my boyfriend who was of course worried. but i was fine. for four whole months. then i had a breakdown. i was put back on my old meds gradually, but suffered major side effects. took three visits to the mental hospital over three months before i finally got balanced again.

you may feel good and like you're progressing now, but you never know when you might crash again.

That's a shame it didn't go easily for you. I've got contingency plans in place should things take an unfortunate turn for the worse but I'm sure that with lifestyle changes in place and a good support network there to help me through the rough times, I should be fine.

As I said, there's always the chance of a relapse. I've had multiple! However, I'm not one to give up trying (in fact I'm actually a really stubborn person). I am perhaps more determined than ever to turn my life back around and be at one with Bipolarity whilst living as much of a normal life as possible.

When I have the spare time and funds to pursue my hobbies, I build electronic devices. I'm used to things not working the first, second, third, fourth or fifth time. Despite the frustration and sense of being defeated by the challenges in front of me finishing the project I keep trying until I get it right. It can take weeks and weeks to perfect just one, simple and small device. I'd like to think I can do the same with my life, when I'm in the right state of mind to do so.

[Confusedinomicon]

I recently stopped meds in the past two months, too. I still see my pdoc every three months to stay in the system and for emergencies. I think knowing my pdoc trusts me to see him if anything comes up helps with being med free. Also I noticed a change in how I sleep and feeling more awake, too. It's weird!

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm so glad that you are feeling well without meds! It's a struggle and you really have to learn your triggers and things like that to stay sane lol but it's doable for some.

I'm too scared of psychosis to try going off meds right now.

I hope all continues to go well!

[r010159]

Good going! Normally I think it foolish to do what you have done. But your doctor is involved which is good. And due your history, I think you did the right thing. I think it is a good thing to try to cut down on the medication from time to time, like once in several years kind of thing. But IMO I would be careful with mood stabilizers with Bipolar 1, and antipsychotics for people with a history of psychosis.

[lil_better_everyday]

Originally Posted by Resident Bipolar

Being at the age of 20, I have the added inconvenience of having to make life choices such as which career path to follow.

If it makes you feel better, some of us are much older and are still trying to do this

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[venusss]

Hope it goes well. Maybe this is exactly what you need, who knows.

And as for being 20 and having "gaps in your CV"... isn't 20 where normally people start actual careers? Don't be too hard on yourself.

And nice to hear you being realistically optimistic... it's a nice change and I happy for it.

[moremi]

Good luck with all you do

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[Resident Bipolar]

I need to add a small disclaimer: I don't recommend stopping medication without the consultation of a medical professional and safety measures in place, should anything go wrong. I've had failed attempts to leave medication behind in the past and they haven't ended as well. Please be safe.

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

I recently stopped meds in the past two months, too. I still see my pdoc every three months to stay in the system and for emergencies. I think knowing my pdoc trusts me to see him if anything comes up helps with being med free. Also I noticed a change in how I sleep and feeling more awake, too. It's weird!

Have you noticed any other positive effects?

Being able to wake up earlier is definitely a bonus. I live with a very noisy five-year-old and a television obsessed teenager. They both love to argue! Eek okay I'll get to the point: as they're at school from 9am to 3pm, those six hours are the perfect time to get some quiet time. Unfortunately once I start working I won't have those moments of peace as they don't even fall asleep until 9pm and I'm not far behind them (anymore).

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I'm so glad that you are feeling well without meds! It's a struggle and you really have to learn your triggers and things like that to stay sane lol but it's doable for some.

I'm too scared of psychosis to try going off meds right now.

I hope all continues to go well!

Thank you. It's early days but so far, so good. At the moment I've not experienced much change either way - except for one or two positive points and maybe slightly more low periods.

I've had to make quite a few lifestyle changes to enable me to maintain a healthy mind. The foods I consume and the activities in which I partake have had to be changed - I'll explain at the end of the post

Originally Posted by r010159

Good going! Normally I think it foolish to do what you have done. But your doctor is involved which is good. And due your history, I think you did the right thing. I think it is a good thing to try to cut down on the medication from time to time, like once in several years kind of thing. But IMO I would be careful with mood stabilizers with Bipolar 1, and antipsychotics for people with a history of psychosis.

At this stage, I'm more concerned about the depressive episodes other than the manic - I tend to cause more harm to myself in those periods of my life as opposed to the latter.

I definitely agree that caution should be taken when considering cessation of psychiatric medications, which is why I've added a little disclaimer (I do apologise for my perhaps incorrect usage of disclaimer but hey-ho).

Luckily I've got the number to call, should things take a turn for the worse. My partner also has access should I be reluctant to, uhm, "Go quietly" haha. My psychiatrist is also keeping the medications on my repeat prescriptions for now should I need them at short notice.

Originally Posted by lil_better_everyday

If it makes you feel better, some of us are much older and are still trying to do this

Hahaha. Thanks for the laugh!

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I've had to make a few tweaks to my lifestyle and dietary choices to stay on the right side of the fence between mentally ill and mentally stable. There are many things I really used to enjoy but which aren't in my life anymore.

For two weeks I've been keeping daily caffeine consumption below 20mg which, as a bonus, means I'm drinking more water to replace the coffee I used to drink. I also have to be out of bed before 8am and in bed by 11pm (though I don't have to go straight to sleep).

As it's a major trigger, I have to avoid films and television containing references to suicide and music that has in the past made me feel low.

I've found that doing half an hour a day of mindfulness is also beneficial. I quit smoking around two months ago so I have a lot of spare time to do healthy things instead of having a "quick cigarette break".

You know what? I'm too tired to finish this post. TIRED? ME? Yeah. Still getting used to that.

[Resident Bipolar]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

Hope it goes well. Maybe this is exactly what you need, who knows.

And as for being 20 and having "gaps in your CV"... isn't 20 where normally people start actual careers? Don't be too hard on yourself.

And nice to hear you being realistically optimistic... it's a nice change and I happy for it.

Should have time to reply before the other half forces me to put the laptop down. It's not so much the experience but more the lack of qualifications. Most of the last year of school was spent in hospital or at home (away from the bullies - I feared school more than anything else in my life). This is one thing that will upset me for the rest of my life. I was a straight A student (with the occasional A*s on my modular assessments) and then things went south towards the end.

Although education was available at the psych wards, it wasn't a very high standard. Plus, typically when you're on a psych ward you're not exactly too happy about the idea of doing exams or studying. I don't know if I could actually stay awake much of the day with the medication I was on, either.

The few jobs I have had have ended prematurely once again to a relapse - which is why I'm taking it slowly going back into employment this time around. Most of the employers I've spoken to want experience. You need a job to get experience and you need experience to get a job. Such a "Catch 22".

Never mind. I know I'll get there eventually. It's just going to take determination.

Thank you for your kind words

Originally Posted by moremi

Good luck with all you do

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Thank you (:

[Talanic]

I hope that everything works out. It does sound like you have done a good job planning for whatever may come your way. As for me, I'm kind of torn. I hate my meds but I'm also happy for them at some level. There's been times where I had to go without my meds for a few days and everything just comes back and it's a very hellish and messy experience.

Have you considered trying something other then meds? From my understanding Fish oil in the right ratio of DHA and EPA can help a decent amount, and it's not like that would have any bad side effects (Or at least not that I know of). Sadly us being who we are can't really take that many herbs because it just triggers mood swings since our brains work differently. An example is one time before I was diagnosed my dad got me something called rescue remedy. It apparently calms you down pretty fast if you're in a bit of a tough spot. But 5mins after taking it I started to flip out and cried for 2 hours. So you have to be careful. But there are other options out there that are not as strong as the meds they give to people who are bipolar and more natural. The only down side is if you do have a bad moment it's not like you can jump ship and start taking meds again. You'd have to wait for whatever natural remedy you're taking to leave your system since most of them react with psychotropics medications.

I've also been very interested in the plant Kanna (Sceletium tortuosum). It has Mesembrine and Mesembrenone that act as an SSRI (Not quite sure about the Selective part though. It might be an SRI). It's also good for energy, makes you calm and at higher doses gives an effect close to weed. You can even grow it yourself. But I don't know how it would act with someone that's bipolar. Sadly I also can't try it out because of my meds, apparently it's predicted that it would react with psymeds.

Just thought I'd bring up those options.

Yea, RB!!!
I'm so proud of you! Sounds like you're making some great changes and have good things in place if anything goes awry. (if reluctant to "go quietly" lol) Best wishes to you for continuing success!

(SOOO glad I happened to decide to make a quick stop by PC and saw this! Really makes my day!)

[outlaw sammy]

HOLY SMOKES !!!!!! I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M READING about discontinuing medication. Anyone considering this guaranteed path to self-destruction is either ignorant of this illness or just plain foolish.

Two weeks ago, a woman died in our apartment building because of complications arising from a fatal diabetic seizure. She too decided to go off her insulin because she thought that all she needed was faith in God to be free of her illness.

In the past, I too thought that I could live free of medications, and besides (I foolishly thought) the emergency room and/or my pdoc are only minutes away. But the insane person is the last to know that he/she is insane. So, I didn't recognize the symptoms of mania advancing into manic-psychosis when I cut a trail of disaster all the way from Denver, Colorado up to Mile City, Montana (summer, 2012). Thank God the Montana State Patrol officer immediately recognized my insanity - otherwise I'd still be in jail up there.

DON'T DISCONTINUE YOUR MEDS! I know this illness and how it patiently waits for the opportunity to resurrect itself into an uncontrollable monster wrecking destruction and death in it's wake.

[venusss]

HOLY SMOKES !!!!!! I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M READING about discontinuing medication. Anyone considering this guaranteed path to self-destruction is either ignorant of this illness or just plain foolish.

RB tried the med route for a while and it didn't work all that well, so the logical thing is.... try it sans the meds.

Remember, some of us don't take meds and we are well self-aware. Meds self awareness do not make. Taking meds makes you medicated. It works for some, it doesn't work for others. Please, don't judge, or call others names. We all are trying the best to get by. For some the best lays out of the mainstream.

RB seems very well aware and more optimistic than they did in years.

Not sure what does the diabetic woman have to do with bipolar. Bipolar is no diabetus, not even "just like diabetus".

And if you can't get behind alternative paths to wellness, don't fearmonger needlessly. We got enough of that elsewhere.

[~Christina]

Hey RB !

I am so happy for you ! You sound wonderful

[wing]

Originally Posted by outlaw sammy

HOLY SMOKES !!!!!! I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M READING about discontinuing medication. Anyone considering this guaranteed path to self-destruction is either ignorant of this illness or just plain foolish.

Two weeks ago, a woman died in our apartment building because of complications arising from a fatal diabetic seizure. She too decided to go off her insulin because she thought that all she needed was faith in God to be free of her illness.

In the past, I too thought that I could live free of medications, and besides (I foolishly thought) the emergency room and/or my pdoc are only minutes away. But the insane person is the last to know that he/she is insane. So, I didn't recognize the symptoms of mania advancing into manic-psychosis when I cut a trail of disaster all the way from Denver, Colorado up to Mile City, Montana (summer, 2012). Thank God the Montana State Patrol officer immediately recognized my insanity - otherwise I'd still be in jail up there.

DON'T DISCONTINUE YOUR MEDS! I know this illness and how it patiently waits for the opportunity to resurrect itself into an uncontrollable monster wrecking destruction and death in it's wake.

I can relate! I'd never tell anyone what to do or label them as foolish or ignorant, but going off meds just ain't for me. BP has screwed up my life for the last time! Maybe you can do it with BP II, idk, but I never want to be psychotic (with BP I) again.

[swheaton]

Just be careful! I hope that one day, I will be down to just one medication, but I will be down to three very soon!

[outlaw sammy]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

RB tried the med route for a while and it didn't work all that well, so the logical thing is.... try it sans the meds.

Remember, some of us don't take meds and we are well self-aware. Meds self awareness do not make. Taking meds makes you medicated. It works for some, it doesn't work for others. Please, don't judge, or call others names. We all are trying the best to get by. For some the best lays out of the mainstream.

RB seems very well aware and more optimistic than they did in years.

Not sure what does the diabetic woman have to do with bipolar. Bipolar is no diabetus, not even "just like diabetus".

And if you can't get behind alternative paths to wellness, don't fearmonger needlessly. We got enough of that elsewhere.

The metaphoric bridge between the diabetic woman and the current topic is obvious. If you stop taking your medications there will be dire consequences.

What's this "fearmonger(ing" s--- anyway?!

Next, we've had this issue in the past where you misunderstand me because you're not reading my post correctly. I'm not criticizing whatever works for a select few: hell if voodoo works for you then so be it. But for the vast majority, going off our meds translates to disaster.

I'm living proof of it.

[princess_ria]

Originally Posted by outlaw sammy

But for the vast majority, going off our meds translates to disaster.

I'm living proof of it.

me too.
though one good thing did come out of it: my 6 meds were reduced to 3 that work better.
but 3 hospital stays was NOT fun.

[venusss]

Yes and for some meds don't work, so why not try other routes? Are you encouraging staying on meds for sake of staying on meds? If you reduce your meds under supervision, it can be a good thing. Worst thing is you have to restart them...but at least you have a clean slate and maybe can arrive at better combo that treat actual symptoms and not med induced ones.

And no,I am not misuderstanding your post. Your tone is very harsh and obnoxious. It doesn't sound as nicely worded advice.

Also "going of gradually under guidance" =/= cold turkeying likely in the midst of an episode.

[venusss]

I get the sentiment of trying to warn others not to repeat your mistakes, but please give people more credit for reasons behind their actions.