I just need to write down everything that is going on in my life right now. This may not make much sense because I am just going to write down stuff as it comes to me. Thank you in advance to anyone who bears with me and reads this.

About a month and half go the switch was flipped and the depression I had been dealing with for the last 3 months was gone. Everything was great, I was on top of the world and was making things happen. I wrote about this message I had received from God, and shared it with all my friends. It was about how things were going to be different now, and that I was back on track. Things were just perfect. Then things started to teeter and there went my sleep and money. Then I got into a fight with my charge nurse two different times over one weekend, she is also one of my best friends mothers. Following that over the next week my friends, family, and coworkers started to say to me something is up with the way I was acting. Things finally started to slow down and that is when I realized what was going on.

That was two weeks ago, now here we are today. I am at this point where I can’t sleep still and have been very volatile. I can go most of the day feeling ok, or just nothing at all. Then I get these different kind of depressions. These aren’t like the ones I have experienced before. All of the internal feelings and mind sets of my normal depressions are here, but outwardly I just keep going and my mind has been so all over the place. I can’t stay focused on anyone thing. The thing is that SI has crept in on me now. This scares me, I don’t want to think about that but I can’t help but keep coming back to it.

I feel like I am being a jerk to everyone I know because I can’t let them in right now, because I don’t understand this.

Then yesterday afternoon I found out I screwed up on a bunch of charting over the last couple of months because I am having such a hard time staying focused on our stupid computer system at work. It’s all of these numbers and stupid Medicaid and Medicare regulations I have to follow, plus the fact I have to enter information on 60 people in less than an hour or I fall behind in my other work. Then to top it off I find out if it keeps happening I am going to get written up for it and could lose my job. This made me like a failure as I am begging the MDS coordinator to write me a note if I make another mistake so that I can fix it.

So here we are now. I am so confused right now, I just want things to be normal and ok. I don’t understand what is going on, and I don’t know who to talk to. I wish I could sleep, but I can’t even do that.

[wing]

It is exactly how I feel when I'm in a mixed state. All I can do is isolate and let it pass. The worst of it is over in about a week (for me), but it is pure hell, isn't it?

I isolate until it is passes. At work, keep a lid on your irritability. That's the symptom most people notice. Combat the confusion by taking your time and forcing yourself to slow down and concentrate on one thing at a time. Take a few days off if you can, and spend them in bed. Call your doc and see if you can get a prn sleeper.

Best wishes and get your anger out here vs screwing up your relationships. You can write a book here, and forget spelling errors. Let it out in a way that doesn't include the people around you.

Originally Posted by wing

It is exactly how I feel when I'm in a mixed state. All I can do is isolate and let it pass. The worst of it is over in about a week (for me), but it is pure hell, isn't it?

I isolate until it is passes. At work, keep a lid on your irritability. That's the symptom most people notice. Combat the confusion by taking your time and forcing yourself to slow down and concentrate on one thing at a time. Take a few days off if you can, and spend them in bed. Call your doc and see if you can get a prn sleeper.

Best wishes and get your anger out here vs screwing up your relationships. You can write a book here, and forget spelling errors. Let it out in a way that doesn't include the people around you.

Thank you for this! This has been a terrible week with all of this, but I am really happy to hear from someone who understands this. I don't really have much of a support group; most people I try to explain this to either don't know anything about it or they try to offer me answers that just don't work. I know they are trying to be there for me, it's just not what I actually need.

I get off work again Monday at 6am and I am off again until Friday, so I am going to take those days to myself and just relax and get away from everyone. I think what you mentioned about calling my doc is a good idea, I am going to call her on Tuesday when she gets back.

I've got to make it through this weekend first. Hopefully it won't be too bad, but it's hard to say they just hired a lot of new and unexperienced staff on. My charge nurses always tell me that I need to be the leader on the floor for them, which freaks me out. I don't like being in charge the issues that come with it are triggers for me.

[wing]

Newbies know very little so it's not hard to lead them. Do your normal job and let them watch and ask questions. Plus the administrators are nowhere to be seen on a three day weekend. You're 1/3 of the way thru already...how did day 1 go?

I am so glad you have the week off.

Just got home about 30 minutes ago. It wasn't the worst night I have had, but not the best either. I spent the first 7 hours or so depressed and just out of it, which was how most of my day was as well. Then about 1 am I bounced up to a low grade depression/neutral feeling.

I did find a lot of extra work to do so I wouldn't just be sitting around ruminating. I am sure my trainee was exhausted by time we got off this morning. She told me that the other person she trained with didn't do half the work I did.

You're also right it is nice not having administration there. I was talking about how I was having problems with charting in my post earlier. I took some extra time tonight and found a computer that was in a quite area to work at. I think that helped a lot.

My charge nurse also asked me to bring in a dish tonight; we are going to have a pot luck tonight. However I am ready for Monday morning; also much appreciation for writing to me

[wing]

Good. Sounds like you got through it like a trooper!

A potluck means a nice break. There is all that chit-chatting though. Talk about how well the newbies are if you can't stand around and be inconspicuous.

I'm glad to pass on some tips I used to get through my nursing career when my BP flared up.

[Curiosity77]

I'm glad to hear you are having a better day. I am also a nurse, and work can be challenging when i'm not doing well. My anxiety can especially be a problem, because i worry about everything i've done. I hope you have a nice potluck

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Thank you everyone, I am done for this weekend. Last night was a pretty quite night, and since I did extra work yesterday I decided to slow down some tonight and just do what I needed to do.

I also did get some sleep today and now I am just relaxing. They are doing a special on the History Channel the next few days about WWII. So I am going to watch that this evening, I love history it was always one of my favorite subjects in school.

Hopefully this mess will be over soon, these mixed days are terrible!

[Fuzzybear]

Definitely sounds like a mixed episode and I'm glad you are doing better xoxo