You Should Be Sorry!

I agree that apologizing withing normal boundaries is a good idea. If I were feeling"normal" and hurt someone's feelings or did the wrong thing I would apologize. So I sort of use that as a measuring stick. But no I would not be saying I am sorry all the time. With my close friends and family, I try to let them know that I will be manic and may say the wrong thing. I encourage them to help let me know if I am doing this or acting inappropriately. Then I know I need a med adjustment.

Good timing for this post to appear to me! Last night I had one of my classic "fits of rage". Small fit, I'm calling it a 3 on a 1-10 scale. I was so proud of myself for spotting it, containing it, and recovering from it quickly. I apologized for it only to be bombarded with rude comments about how sick of my fits everyone is! Not one -'don't sweat it, wasn't even that bad' especially since they are always so much worse! No more apologies from me

well said... I agree

I'm thinking hard about this one, because I realized that I have taken a lot of actions in the past during manic and depressed episodes that have hurt other people, and I haven't really apologized for them. Some of them I barely remember, even right after they happened.

I like the AA model. In AA, alcoholism is considered a disease, but once you are in recovery, you are expected as part of the 12 Steps to make amends to all those you have harmed. Amends doesn't necessary mean apologizing. It means trying to improve your behavior towards that person in the future. It's an ongoing process.

You can say, well that's different, because an alcoholic can quit drinking and that solves everything. But that's not true. The behaviors still exist. I believe the parallel to recovery with mental illness is working with the mental health community to manage your illness as best as you can.

I think I probably need to apologize for some of my actions, and add, "You know I really care for you and appreciate that you are in my life. I don't intend to hurt you, but my illness sometimes gets out of my control."

You can take the high road, blame everything on your disease, and never apologize, but I wonder how many people in your life are willing to put up with that kind of behavior. I know that I've lost a lot of friendships over the years because I was depressed and didn't respond to them, and didn't try to reconnect and apologize.

I understand where you are coming from. And it makes sense that you say "chemicals" don't make you throw yourself on the handsome guy/use credit card/yell at spouse. (Let me add not leaving the house/sleeping the whole day/not eating/and killing yourself...) You're right, they don't MAKE you do anything. They simply MAKE you more impulsive.

I completely agree on the road blocks part though. That's the smartest and hardest thing anybody with bipolar disorder can do for themselves.

BY ALL MEANS APOLOGIZE FOR ANY HARM OR DAMAGE YOU MAY HAVE CAUSED ANOTHER DUE TO A DECOMPENSATION EVENT - BUT DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR BEHAVIORS CAUSED BY INSANITY ITSELF. AND CERTAINLY MAKE "AMENDS" (ATONEMENT) WHERE WARRANTED.

If a man is driving along and his tie-rod snaps causing his vehicle to veer off and kill a pedestrian - then the moral code demands that he apologize for the tragedy and make whatever amends are necessary to mitigate the harms and damages suffered by the family of the deceased - but he cannot apologize for his car's behavior in malfunctioning. This is what I'm talking about! We cannot apologize for our insanity itself.

Our brains are not malfunctioning vehicles that are out of control. By spreading this assumption, you are spreading stigma. Sure, some would love us all doped up and potentially locked up, cause they like to claim we can't control ourselves.

Most of the time that is not true.

There's a difference between full-out psychosis and the rest of the time.

Most of the time, we are fully aware of what is right or wrong. Getting a plea of insanity is really quite rare, because most of the time we ARE fully aware of our actions - bipolar just makes us a lot more impulsive and inconsiderate.

While outside of a full-out psychosis, there are things which we can all do to help minimize. And we do need to work to make things up to the people that we hurt, because we hurt them. It doesn't matter that it was caused by our disorder; what matters is that we hurt someone else. It isn't their fault that we hurt them, and they shouldn't be the one to have to suffer further and just accept the abuse we might throw at them. It's our job to take as many precautions as we can and to take responsibility over our choices - even when we're not fully in control of them.

If someone hurt me, and didn't feel any remorse over it? I wouldn't keep contact with them. Why would I or anyone else stay around someone who doesn't care that they hurt you? Whether they're doing it out of just being a horrible person or due to a disorder is irrelevant - if the person shows when it's over that they still don't care enough to feel remorse over what they did to me, then they don't actually care about me and I wouldn't want to be around them. The difference is that if I knew someone had a disorder that messed with their brain, I'd be more likely to move forward with them and work through their hurtful behaviours.

I should have stuck to my word. I just apologized to my husband who replied-" I am so f*+kin sick of your 'sorry's'!" Then he stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him.

I apologize, but other times I get some inner rage when people make critical remarks. I think it's related to how hypercritical my mother is....now when I hear it in other people's words...I go nuts. This is a hard thing to explain to people....that you can't control what is happening to you...especially when the world thinks you should be responsible for you own actions/choices. For me, I wish I could be more compassionate that people can be bothered by the way I am....after all they are humans, too and I don't want to pretend they don't get affected by anything. I def. understand what you mean...I get sick and tired of having to explain myself.

I actually see stigma as people believing that ill people do have control over their problems and that they make a conscious choice not to take responsibility or control their actions. I do fully believe my brain does malfunction...and I struggle with trying to feel happy in a world where nobody seems to understand me yet I am trying so hard to be what others want. I don't know, for you to say there's nothing wrong with our brains and we can control everything...depending what you're talking about...I have to say I don't agree and this is a constant issue for me. I hurt because I'm not accepted for who I am inside.

You cannot control your feelings, but most of the time you can control your response to your feelings. And if you act out impulsive and people get screwed in the process,one should try to make amends.

To say you are powerless over what you do and hence won't apologize... hard to make friends this way.

First of all Ms. VenusHalley, you and I go back a ways, and you always seem to post your disagreements against me each and every time I post. I don't know why you're targeting me to vent your frustrations - but the things you've said before, and even on this post are crystal clear evidence that you know scant little about bipolar disorder.

I am not targeting you, I usually target opinions that stir something in me.

Or maybe it's crystal clear that you think only your opinions are right and refuse to accept any other view.

Sure if it was only about you, I'd let it slide. But here others are involved. And it's not okay to hurt others and then say "oh well, bipolar made me do it."

Are you for mandate treatment, btw?