[jumble]

I know from the get-go what I'm about to write may come off as able-ist and snobby (in addition to it being a scrambled rant). So sorry in advance. It's not about my judging others, it's just the complete lack of having someone to relate to fully...

Off the bat... there's about 5.7 million of us, right? And I'm not sure what percentage of that is Bipolar I v. Bipolar II, but I am Bipolar I. So brief manic, psychotic, super-embarrassing, paranoid, delusional episodes. I've had three which have lasted about 3 weeks (maybe a total of 6-8 weeks if you count the "build up" and "cool down" periods). The rest of my life, I am essentially "normal" and functioning. Yes, there is depression, but I function through it and my tough skin always wins out in the end. Obligations are met, deadlines are never postponed, studying gets done, etc, etc.

I am a third year law student.

50 mg Seroquel (night) and 200 mg Lamictal (day), btw.

I had to withdraw twice from law school due to two of my three episodes but came back strong each time. If you don't know how law school works, this creates an awkward social dilemma. Typically first year's (1L's) all have classes together with no upperclassmen (second year- "2L's" or third year "3L's") So stopping and starting over resulted in me having a mixed up schedule with 1L classes mixed with 2L and 3L classes all in one semester. It would come out in a 1L class (like Torts) that I was in a 2L class (like Evidence) and I would constantly be questioned "What year are you?"

Which is equivalent to an inquiry of "Why is your schedule not normal?"
Why are YOU not normal?
What did you do wrong?
Did you fail a class?

I wish it was because I failed a class. Because the answer is, no, I went batshit and thought the "powers that be" were out to get me and I was somehow "the chosen one" and freaked out because I didn't want to be "the chosen one" and I sent off psychotic letters to the school faculty and politicians and lawyers and posted psychotic things on my twitter and facebook page and ran around my neighborhood singing songs and accusing my neighbors of crimes. Now I am surrounded by constant reminders of these episodes and have several daily agonizing shame-inducing flashbacks that I have to mask in public.

But oh, don't worry neurotypical person, I'm fine. You can completely trust my stability. You can completely think of me the same way you think of all of your other colleagues in law school with us. You can completely picture me successfully litigating a case, someday. What's that? Your brother/cousin/friend/aunt is bipolar so "you understand"? No. No, you don't.

Some people at school more or less know about the details of my bipolar. Most don't or just know bits and pieces or know that I disappeared for a semester and was acting weird beforehand. But there's no support, there. No REAL support.

Is anybody as bothered by these comments as I am?: "You seem to be doing really well." "Your meds must be working, you've been really stable." etc, etc.
That's not support. That's condescending.

So of course there are other bipolar people out there that I know-- and I am sorry, but this is where I get ableist-- not many of us are in some form of grad school, functioning with relative stability, and constantly burdened with the social/interpersonal/intrapersonal dynamics I've described above. What percent of the 5.7 million makes up that demographic? I mean-- 2.6% of the population with 0.36% of the population being lawyers. I'm not feeling the benefits of propinquity, here.

And as I've said, I am functioning when I am school. The only times that I am affected by my bipolar to the point of being unable to function/concentrate/focus to a detrimental point are those brief, few and far between times that I have an episode. So if you do happen to fall into my bipolar/grad student demographic but your story is "I am/was having difficulty concentrating the whole time because of mania and my meds were always changing but somehow I overcame the odds and daily struggles and graduated." I can't relate to this. I mean, truly, wonderful for you, but it's not me. My daily life isn't this kind of mania memoir material.

And then on the other hand, there are bipolar friends who are messaging me with bipolar-specific issues. "Meds, meds, meds." "I'm manic." "I'm hypersexual." "My parents are being assholes because I do nothing all day."
I'm sorry. All I have to respond to this is, "I'm simultaneously mastering five to six bodies of American common and statutory law in a time frame of 14 weeks. It is difficult."

I don't know. I don't know what I want to gain from posting this other than the sake of ranting.
Sorry again if you are offended by this rant. I recognize it's a privileged rant. But it is just my daily experience and one that makes me constantly feel alone. Dark heavy cloud when I'm at school or around neurotypical friends and in an awkward unrelatable space when I'm around people and friends who are struggling with mental illness and coping at a difference pace than I am.

And there's a lot more going on and that has gone on that weaves into my story, but I can get into that another day.

[Yoda]

Hello jumble

Welcome to PC

Mental illness is an equal opportunity illness and we have other professionals here as well as grad students. I hope you find the site helpful. Feel free to rant away; I rant from time to time as well.

[buzz bee]

Things will be brighter soon.

[Curiosity77]

Hi,

I'm a nurse practitioner, so I have a masters, and I have a successful career. I tend to have some symptoms of depression, but also periods of stability. My mood elevations are relatively rare, and most of the time i am high functioning. I was very stable during my first year of grad school, but in second year my marriage split up and i started cycling badly. I somehow managed to keep my focus, and graduated with straight As. Then things fell apart, and i was hospitalized and off work for 6 months. Since then i have been building my career back up, that was 2 years ago, and i have a great job now. I was depressed over the winter, but my function at work was not affected. I feel different from others at work, but most of the time it doesn't show, and only a few people know, and none of the details. I'm on lots of meds, and i just hope it never happens again. There is obviously a lot more to the story. I find this forum really supportive and helpful, and this is a smart group of people. I'm a regular member, regardless of my degrees. There are lots of others on here with professional jobs or going to school. I hope you find this site helpful too. Message any time if you want to chat.

[A Red Panda]

We each have our own situations; yours is unique to you! That's alright. I'm sorry that it's making the social dynamic of law school tough on you... my bf's a lawyer, and the social reputation of each other seems to have a lot of influence!

I sometimes feel like a P.O.S. when I post about my own experiences - I've got bipolar 2, never experienced any psychosis. Even at my most hypomanic and my worst depressions, I am fully functional and able to not show too much difference in myself when around others. It's usually stress that knocks me flat, but I've never had to pause my life (although I have had to slow it down, and my grades did demonstrate when I was struggling vs. when I wasn't. I've got my Honours degree with a specialization, along with my B.Ed.).

I consider myself lucky, but at the same time... my struggles are just as valid as anyone else's struggles are. So are yours; your struggles are no more or less valid than anyone else's.

And yes - if someone was to go to me "Oh you seem to be handling things really well" I get frustrated... and usually want to go "That's because I'm a damn good actor and just don't SHOW YOU IT."

There's always something in someone else's experiences that we can relate to though. You're not alone, and I hope that you can find some support here that will help you feel less alone, because it seems to me that you're feeling that way.

[Sometimes psychotic]

I know you're in school right now but do you really believe that this line of questioning is going to somehow magically stop if you're missing work for extended periods of time? I think there are actually more people with post-graduate degrees who have bipolar than just about any other mental illness. What you are describing are high functioning individuals. Couple of books you might want to read...elyn saks the center cannot hold---she has schizophrenia----also a tenured professor of law----top of her class oxford---in and out of the hospital etc. You might relate. The other kay redfield jameson---bipolar----professor of psychology at hopkins. Academia is full of people with mental illness----I happened to complete my PhD prior to any psychosis. Another one Mark Vonegut----son of Kurt Vonegut---now a Harvard trained pediatrician----originally dxed with schizophrenia now considered bipolar----

I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for---if your only issue is having to deflect questions about what year you are I'd say consider it practice for when you have to decide whether to disclose your illness later in life or simply state you're having a medical problem and needed to go to the doctor. Sometimes you might become psychotic at work as was my case and then everyone will know----this can be good or bad depending on who you surround yourself with. Best to figure out how to spot the ones you can trust right now.

I know this isn't all hearts and flowers but you sound like you can handle it to me. Life dealt you a bad hand but if you made it into law school you already got a better deal than a lot of people. Can you imagine how boring it would be to be born average to get B's and C's and work some menial job for the rest of your life? Would you pick being average if you could be well? Also keep in mind that there are other people like you out there but many of them are still in the closet because there is little benefit to disclosing....

In closing...don't think of yourself as somehow alone in this...think of yourself as unique...something amazing and wonderful that transcends the limits of average...

[littlemiss44]

Your one of the lucky ones. You are high functioning and able to handle the balance of being mi and attending law school. Some of us are not that lucky. I am one of those people. I am not lazy. I am intelligent and have lots of skills. I'm.just not able to handle the stress of school or a ft.job. I work a small pt job and I'm on ssd. Sure I'd love to have a better life. My dream was to become a nurse...I.did obtain an associate's degree in 1991. That's been my biggest accomplishment. I also have raised two beautiful children. To me that is enough. I live my life to avoid stress...as it triggers my.hypo manic episodes. I try to not isolate. I commend you for reaching for yr goals. You sound like you'd be an excellent lawyer. I'm so glad there are people with mi who are able to reach for the stars. I wish I was one of those people. My.biggest fear is obtaining funding for school...getting enrolled and falling on my face. All that effort and.fail miserably. I.consciously realize it would be awesome to try and reach my goals but the fear of failure holds me back. My.life's work is being a good person...to be the best mother I can be. To make sure to stay stable. I.recently lost my mother to cancer and it.put me into an awful episode. I hate this illness. Maybe I should try harder. Stories like yours give me hope and inspire me. Thank you for sharing yr journey. Keep on fighting...you can do anything you set your mind to. God speed.

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[lilypup]

Education is made for those of us with bipolar. I earned my M.Ed and did all my classes for my Ed.D except the dissertation while I was hypomanic. All of this with a 3.9 GPA and a full time job and marriage. Never broke a sweat. I was charming, brilliant, and even featured in an educational magazine for administrators.

Since those days have raised three healthy children and been married thirty years. have cycles of deep depression..last one lasted two years...followed by normal functioning for a while. Then here comes the ambitious hypomanic part where I do it all and get into some weird personal situations. I crash into depression and we go full circle.

I belong to an in-person support group for bipolar. All of the people in my group are well educated, although many (like myself) are on disability. I feel good right now, but I know it's coming back. Free advice? Work hard to find the best psychiatrist and psychologist you can. See them even when you think you don't need to. Take all meds, especially when you think you don't need to. And hold on...it will be an exciting life.

[Disorder7]

I've worked as a newspaper editor and teacher. My undergraduate degree is from a fairly large university and I was working on my master's when I went batshit.
Right now I'm not working, but I hope it's temporary.

Besides being bipolar, I'm apparently dealing with several other disorders....well, possibly more than several. Each one will have to be addressed.

Most of us here are "mentally interesting", but we're not stupid.

[TheatreKid]

I am struggling through undergrad right now. I'd love to do a Masters but will need more stability first. I am ok with that, life isn't a race.

I used to be upset by the "Oh you must be doing so well" comments because they seemed condescending, but also I found when I was younger/less mature I wanted to hold onto the illness, and my internal reaction to "you're doing so well" was "no I'm doing horrible" because I didn't want to lose the support. Now that I've discovered that life is much better when I'm NOT sick, I don't have to hold onto that piece of illness. I've let it go and now I realize these people mean well, do not understand, will probably never understand, but are harmless. It's not a personal insult any more. We just exist in different worlds.

I'm very out on campus, both about my gender identity and my mental health. For the past two years I made a speech to thousands of incoming first years both about transitioning genders at school as well as dealing with bipolar disorder, dropping out, and returning. People still stop me in the hall to say they appreciated my story. I'm doing a combined major in Music and Theatre and everyone in both programs knows that I'm transgender and also bipolar. This doesn't bother me. I could care less about people who think less of me for it, because I have a strong network of people who care. Theatre people especially seem to be more accepting of mental uniqueness, and bipolar really lends itself to a performance degree. My experience thus far is that there is a lot of support available when I'm struggling if people know what's going on. I would not be doing well without the support of all the people in my life. I could eventually see myself as someone like Elyn Saks or Kay Jamison like SometimesPsychotic mentioned - not that I see myself as famous, but as someone who is successful but open about their struggles. It just feels right for me. It's not right for everyone.

[Ms.Beeblebrox]

Hi there jumble!

I think I can relate perfectly well to what you are describing here. I am BP1 but only had one full blown manic episode to date. I had two major depressive episodes in my life and could function though them without much problem. I am very lucky that it didn't destroy my life completely when I was manic, but I will forever have super disturbing and embarrassing memories from that time.

I am very high functioning too. I got an MBA at 27, currently working full time and getting my professional designation. I am also married with a young child. Not many neurotypicals I know can pull all of it off!

Only a couple of my current friends know my diagnosis. I lost almost all of the friends I had when I went manic. I don't even blame them, but I am also way better without them. I am a different person now and I like my new life the way it is.

Non of my new friends or co-workers know of even suspect I have any sort of MI. I want it this way, but sometimes it makes me feel very lonely and disconnected from them. I wish I could tell them all, but I know they will never look at me the same. Maybe I am just a coward and their reaction will be way better than I expect, but I really don't want to take that chance.

The only people who know everything and went through my mania with me are my husband and my best friend. I am extremely lucky to have them in my life!

You are very young, you will find a few people who will accept you with all your problems and diagnosis. There won't be many of them, but they will be there for you when you need them.

What makes me feel better about not sharing my diagnosis with everyone I am close to, is the thought that they might not be sharing some stuff with me as well. And I don't really want to know everything there is to know about them. It's not indifference on my part, it is a respect for their privacy.

P.S I am off all meds now btw, with my doctor's blessing. I don't have any signs of trouble returning yet. Who knows, maybe I am fixed? I doubt it though, but I am allowed to hope, right?

[optimistic_dolphin]

hey. i have bipolar too and i am studying law too.
sigh.
i have to defer one sem but it adds up to another year because of part II in sem2 cannot be taken without my sem 1. It is embarrassing when i chk back in with my year.
you can msg me to talk if you want
take care

[outlaw sammy]

I have three college degrees (A.A.S., B.S., M.S.), and once had a fantastic job with good pay, tons of authority, travel, and mountains of respect - then it all came crashing down with a series of mixed-state and manic state episodes. I can do very well in school - as a matter of fact I have stellar grades and my research was published in several scientific journals . . .

BUT the relaxed, easy-gong atmosphere of school is far removed from the "real world."

As an attorney, the stress and anxiety you'll experience will be like nothing you can possibly imagine now. These represent "situational triggers" that can launch into an episodic event within a day or two.

QUIT LAW SCHOOL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

Originally Posted by jumble

...I don't know. I don't know what I want to gain from posting this other than the sake of ranting.
Sorry again if you are offended by this rant. I recognize it's a privileged rant. But it is just my daily experience and one that makes me constantly feel alone. Dark heavy cloud when I'm at school or around neurotypical friends and in an awkward unrelatable space when I'm around people and friends who are struggling with mental illness and coping at a difference pace than I am...

Not offended. Rant away.

I think it's great you are going for it. With BP, there's ground we share, but because we're all individuals, there's always going to be ground we don't share. No one is ever going to be in anyone else's shoes 100%. No two people or their circumstances are going to be exactly the same. THEREFORE, and I know you know this, but it's really bugging me, and I've got to say it…..NO one has any business telling you what you "can't" do, telling you what you "have" to do, or trying to limit you in any way by projecting their experience onto yours.

THAT'S condescending. Especially when unsolicited.

Now that that's vented….You and I are in quite different places. But I do think I can relate to the feeling of aloneness you describe of not really being in tune with either of the circles you inhabit. Sure, there's a sense in which that's universal, but some contrasts are more stark than others. My daily experience is a quite stark disconnect too.

Good luck with your studies!

[korafrancesca]

I can relate to the experience of totally embarrassing myself by sending psychotic messages to faculty and other students. I did that once during a severe manic episode shortly after I graduated from undergrad, including emails to professors who were supposed to write letters of recommendations for me for grad school. For the longest time, I couldn't get over how humiliating my messages were and the fact that I ruined or significantly tarnished my relationship with them. Despite that they are progressive, I still can't get over that I showed them how crazy I was.

Fortunately, I was no longer around them for grad school - I chose not to apply to the grad program at my undergrad for that reason, but there were still constant reminders as we often read things in my grad school classes that were written by two of these professors I sent insane messages to.

I can imagine that it must be super hard to have a manic episode and still be attending the same institution! For me, at least I was on a different coast. But you know what I've learned from this? To have a thick skin. I went right back to the professors that I sent incredibly psychotic messages to and asked them for recommendation letters. Two of them said yes. One ignored me----and she was the absolute biggest name. I was devastated that she had already agreed to write me one before but then ignored me after the episode. But, the other two were good enough to get me a full scholarship to the #2 Master's program in my field, International Relations. Maybe that's one thing bipolar can give us - a thick skin. And that's actually a helpful thing for life! I just read the book Never Eat Alone, a really good book for anyone who wants to be successful. One of the key ingredients of success is to simply not be embarrassed to get things you want.

It's easy for me to say this now because I've suffered for years from the embarrassment and it's waned now. But I wish I had known this years ago---it's empowering to just push through the embarrassment and awkwardness. It's building an important skill for life