[Purgamentum]

Does this chime with anyone?

I quit my job as a computer administrator 2 years a go. It was a new job and I was already feeling very down. I came in one day and decided I was going to hang myself in the server room. Lots of cables, no one there I cared about, seemed ideal. I failed and subsequently I have been signed off work. About a year later I saw my psychiatrist who I do not get on with. I get the impression from her that she doesn't believe me a lot of the time and she seems particularly unhelpful. She was asking lots of questions about racing thoughts. She didn't seem to believe me and asked why I didn't act on any of them if they are so good. I took this to mean that she didn't believe me and so I started up my own business based on one of these wild ideas just to prove her wrong. The business is now 1 year old and is in profit.

I have just gone through a couple of months of having loads of energy and being very productive, I seem to have periods like this. Everything is possible.. I feel like I could solve the worlds problems or run the country.. If only they would let me. My head becomes a washing up bowl of ideas waiting to be picked and polished. I seem to rush in everything I do - to the car to grab something from the other side of the room. I feel a sense of urgency in everything i guess, and very energised, everything seems possible, I feel smarter, wittier, stronger, invincible. I take a lot of risks such as driving like an arsehole. I take up new hobbies which I don't stick with. I'm significantly more confident then when I feel depressed and slow. However I get very angry/irritable sometimes for little to no reason. Sometimes when I'm like this I can have little patience for people, I find that when talking to people I already know what they are going to say before they say it sometimes finishing off peoples sentences but sometimes I get confused or the wrong idea about things without realising. This seems to happen with text also. I can read something and completely misinterpret it. I also find that when talking to other people or when watching TV people also seem to be speaking a lot slower. I find I have little need for sleep or food and even when I start to get worn out from lack of sleep I still can't seem to rest or calm down. This can become quite problematic as I seem to unravel after a few days of little sleep. I have minor hallucinations - things start to move and rise and fall and I become more prone to flashes of irritability/anger.

I smoke lots of cannabis to try to calm myself when I'm like this. One night after starting a new anti-depressant I smoked half an ounce in a few hours without feeling the slightest effect. The last few months I feel as though my energy has been slowly wearing off. Now I feel very apathetic, with little to no energy. When I say no energy I mean no energy what so ever, I feel physically weak, speaking is an arduous task. I talk slow and quietly using the minimal amount of words to respond to things. Constantly close to tears everything is the last nail in the coffin and just too much to handle. I also feel extremely anxious all of a sudden, sweaty palms, terrified to use the phone, speak to people or even let myself be seen by someone else. I wake up each morning feeling sick with anxiety and end up throwing up. All I want to do is sleep. I also keep feeling as though I'm not really here and zone out quite a lot, everything seems unreal.

I have tried most antidepressants in the past. Generally they seem to make me feel worse. Normally they make me super hyper, super anxious and generally unwell. I find myself rolling around in a ball on the couch profusely sweating, shaking, unable to move and unable to sit still, twitching, unable to relax, unable to focus on anything, lots of conflicting emotions like needing to move and be still at the same time. I also feel quite euphoric but not in a nice way if that makes sense and i will have racing thoughts to the point of wanting to scream. I remember the last time feeling so unwell that I was going to jump out the window. Anti depressants scare the hell out of me for this reason.

I have struggled to get a diagnosis but have been seeing Mental Health 'Professionals' since about 16, i'm now 30 and things just seem to be getting worse. I recently had an assessment done which came back with borderline personality disorder... I feel some of this applies but not all and I also feel as though my moods would be more reactive. However I was told that I'm definitely not 'classic' borderline.

Like most people I have spent many years online looking at things people have written desperately seeking some answers and/or guidance. I have lost most of my friends now and I find it hard to understand what normal is, which makes understanding everything particularly difficult as when ever you speak to people you get the classic, "I feel like that, you'll be fine, " stop worrying" and as a result you start to doubt everything. Do they really feel like this? is this normal? I expect the amount i smoke doesn't help with this as I find I tend to forget how bad things were. Although I generally seem to have a very poor insight into myself. Which I find strange as a lot of the time I feel I understand people so well.

Can anyone relate to this? am I just a drama queen?

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, Purgamentum. No, you are not a drama queen. What you are doing is not working. Changes are in order. My thought is for you to try professional help again. Print a copy of your post to attach to the intake information.

Change is difficult. Without change, however, your life likely will continue to spiral downward.

I wish you well.

[CHIM3RA2006]

Okay, I tend to agree with glok and say seek other professional help. That being said, and since you came to this forum looking for answers, I have a few opinions. I am not a doctor. All I can tell you is what I have experienced recently. I have recently been put through a battery of questionnaires multiple times to determine if I was bipolar. A lot of the questions they asked me seem to ring true for you. For example going days without eating or sleeping, racing thoughts, grandiose feelings, irritability, and taking risks. On the other hand, I have experienced extreme depression and have been through a lot of what you describe. For example, I had no energy, hid from people, cried about everything, and was very anxious about any social situation. All that being said, I was on 2 antidepressants. I recently had a breakdown and were told that antidepressants can "lock" someone into a manic state. I, like you, also smoked a lot of cannabis in an effort to self-medicate. I was also recently told that this can prolong a manic state. My doc changed my medication and instantly I felt different, not better, but different, like for the first time in years my head was above water, which for me, was an improvement. I hope this helps. Again, I highly recommend seeking out professional help. The right diagnosis and the right medication can make all the difference. Good Luck.