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Old Aug 11, 2014, 10:55 PM
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Watched my wedding video tonight as it's our anniversary. Over a decade ago in my 20s I was 50 lbs lighter, med-free, extremely perky, intense and anxious. I can't decide if I miss the person I used to be. There are some things I miss about her: a certain intensity and energy that could be very engaging and charismatic. But I didn't like the dark side that came with it, both in terms of how it affected my relationships with other people, and how it subjectively felt. I guess it has been a little bit triggering to see that video... I sometimes long to be off meds to reacquaint myself with who I used to be. But this video reminded me of the double edged sword that goes along with being med-free for me.

Thanks for listening.

ETA - there is also something about my appearance that is triggering. I was slim, young, and beautiful. I don't feel that way anymore. Most of my friends maintained their figures after having babies. So its very isolating.
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Last edited by Love&Toil; Aug 11, 2014 at 11:18 PM. Reason: adding
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  #2  
Old Aug 11, 2014, 11:17 PM
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Lots of us feel ambivalent about meds. I'm glad you posted about this. I don't have any videos, but I do occasionally meet up with someone I haven't seen in a long time (since before bipolar Dx & treatment), they always comment on how much I've changed ... none have said how, and I don't ask.

I'm grateful for the meds, though, for the most part. The side effects cause me to change mood stabilizers a lot, but I'm one bipolar who really needs the meds. I've never quit taking the meds, because I don't want to go back to the time when "to live or not to live" was so often the question.

Happy Anniversary--grab all the joy and peace you can find in your life.

roads
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  #3  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 11:09 AM
newtothis31 newtothis31 is offline
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Happy anniversary! Congratulations!

It's normal to have mixed feelings when you look at your wedding video. True beauty comes from being a person for others- which based on the support and hope you give to other people on this board- you must be a very beautiful person. One who is hard on herself, but very beautiful.
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  #4  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 12:19 PM
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Thank you for your kind words. I have always been too hard on myself. I miss my exhuberance but this stage of life requires a lot of selflessness and grounding while raising young children. Meds definitely help with that
Its also nice not to have anxiety or panic attacks anymore.
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  #5  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 12:34 PM
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Thank you also for a reminder to have the courage to hold certain values at the forefront when thinking about beauty. My girls are really into the whole pretty girl, princess, pop culture beauty thing and I know they look at me thru that lens despite trying to have conversations about media images.
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  #6  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 12:36 PM
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Thankfully my husband still finds me beautiful.
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  #7  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 01:22 PM
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I gained a ton of weight after having children and taking meds. I will do almost anything to avoid having my pic taking. It is so depressing. But my husband still loves me and so do my friends and kids. I want to lose the weight but sometimes I doubt I will. This may just be me.
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  #8  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 06:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilypup View Post
I gained a ton of weight after having children and taking meds. I will do almost anything to avoid having my pic taking. It is so depressing. But my husband still loves me and so do my friends and kids. I want to lose the weight but sometimes I doubt I will. This may just be me.
Losing weight is very tough. Have you tried anything like Weight Watchers? Do you exercise?

I have a gym membership and I go at lunch time about 3x/week. When I eat WW style AND exercise I lose weight but it's hard to do both at the same time for a sustained period of months. It's challenging. Hard since many of my friends are fitness instructors and dancers. I miss the days of having a hard body but at least I'm built for comfort now. LOL
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  #9  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 07:45 PM
muller1209 muller1209 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Love&Toil View Post
Watched my wedding video tonight as it's our anniversary. Over a decade ago in my 20s I was 50 lbs lighter, med-free, extremely perky, intense and anxious. I can't decide if I miss the person I used to be. There are some things I miss about her: a certain intensity and energy that could be very engaging and charismatic. But I didn't like the dark side that came with it, both in terms of how it affected my relationships with other people, and how it subjectively felt. I guess it has been a little bit triggering to see that video... I sometimes long to be off meds to reacquaint myself with who I used to be. But this video reminded me of the double edged sword that goes along with being med-free for me.

Thanks for listening.

ETA - there is also something about my appearance that is triggering. I was slim, young, and beautiful. I don't feel that way anymore. Most of my friends maintained their figures after having babies. So its very isolating.

i think you do see the way things are. you are different. you cant go back to what you were before. you have changed. grown. you can do similar things, but in the end you have more experience. you sound healthier. you have a realistic outlook.
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  #10  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 07:58 PM
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I understand. .. honestly I wouldn't be on meds if I wasn't married etc.. if 8 was single no kids I'd of never went to the dr or listened if I did... be proud you did what you needed to do for your family
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Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel... it's just a freight train coming your way.
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  #11  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 08:24 PM
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Thanks for understanding guys. I do think I am healthier this way even though I am heavier. I couldn't parent sanely if I wasn't on meds. Thank gawd for them.
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  #12  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 11:46 PM
newtothis31 newtothis31 is offline
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Built for comfort- love that phrase!
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Thanks for this!
Love&Toil
  #13  
Old Aug 12, 2014, 11:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newtothis31 View Post
Built for comfort- love that phrase!
It's true! Big boobies and a squishy belly means I give great squishy hugs! LOL
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