Please help me understand what's wrong

Hi everyone
I am hoping you can help me with understanding what's going on with me.I'd really appreciate your taking the time to read all of this.

Is this common with DID or does this seem more like Bipolar:
-Impulsive laughing without a specific cause.
-Impulsive and unconscious talking to yourself.
-Episodes of being selectively mute, silent sadness, chronic feelings of emptiness and worthlessness, suicidal tendencies, chronic apathy, and major depressive symptoms that last for months.
-Followed by episodes of hyper-activity, and taking a sudden interest in life, obsessiveness about taking care of yourself and extreme elevated moods.
-Crashing down with excessive anger, arguing for no reason and not ceasing the arguments even when the other side has retreated, horrible temper, extreme mood swings, destructive thoughts, hating everyone even children, huge distrust of others, and very high irritability.
-Being deeply indulged in one activity then completely abandoning it, and then returning to it again and so on.
-Social withdrawal. I only have one friend and I don't even own a cell phone.
-Selective mutism.
-Avoiding eye contact.
-Episodes of extreme self-loathing, then self-indulgence.
-Spacing out and feeling blank most of the time.
-Spending excessive time twisting hair strands while thinking about nothing.
-Having trouble speaking clearly.
-Voice changes a lot. In tone and pitch.
-Mega-delayed reactions. Episodes of being immune to anger or provocation and then being highly provoked.
-Having a very hard time in remembering childhood, and even then it feels like it was someone else.
-Taking care of yourself too much then not taking care of yourself at all. Even in public.
-Thinking that most people hate you or dislike you and imaging that they are laughing at you.
-Feeling like you don't belong or that your body is not yours.
-Feeling like something else, a spirit or entity is inhabiting and controlling your body and not you.
-Wandering in the streets for no reason. Finding yourself in place you didn't intend to go to.
-Under major stress suffers a mental break down, and starts hallucinating and saying things that don't make any sense. Also horrible panic attacks and screaming whilst choking and strangling yourself with a thin cable wire.
-Feeling like you're trapped and losing track of time.
-Taste in music drastically changes, I'll be listening to rock music for e.g. for a whole day then can't stop myself from trying to break the speakers if the same songs were on.
-Things are either VERY BAD or VERY GOOD, there's no in between.
-Weird gestures that are impulsive, and uncontrollable.
-Intimacy, abandonment and trust issues. It's impossible for me to get close to someone. I avoid romantic relationships at all costs, they are not my thing. I can't find a reason for this. But I haven't been in a relationship for all my life and still don't feel the need for one.
-Hate loud sounds and noise, bright lights and crowds.
-Still waters run deep, is always true in my case, I am most definitely *not* what I appear to be.
-And to be completely blunt, I have very hypocritical tendencies, some even misanthropic.

I don't know if I should add this but I have several different accounts on a certain website- it's a religious one- each of these accounts portray very different personalities, in fact they are polar opposites, one is a 'sweet, angel, that calls for love and forgiveness' the other is a very dark, and twisted one that likes to argue just for the sake of arguing and always has to be right. Now, I didn't think this was weird I thought that these were both a part of me and I wasn't even aware that they are different people until someone pointed out how different they are. I do not do this for fun, it's compulsive and involuntary. This was back in 2010, they see completely alien to me right now and I can't even fathom how I wrote all the stuff that I posted there. It's not bad or anything, it's just not me, I wouldn't express myself that way.

Again, on the outside I'm an extremely quiet,passive, reserved person and have a very polite and cordial exterior, though, ultimately my relationships are very superficial and do my best to not get emotionally involved with people whether romantically or in a platonic sense. I realize as I am re-reading this that I'm very, very messed up. Yikes!

These episodes occur periodically and may last for months to years.


My sister has bipolar type one. So maybe it's hereditary. But I thought I might ask this to get an opinion since I'm still kind of new to this and I always thought I was pretty normal until what recently happened made me rethink my current state. Thanks for taking the time and care to read all this, I really appreciate it.

Last note; I do *not* see or hear things that are not there. I do hear voices but they are inside my head, like racing thoughts.

Finally,thank you for reading this. I have to admit that it's really embarrassing disclosing all this about yourself, I have never been so open about myself, before it's hard to accept that you might have something going on but I guess it's for the best. Thanks again.

*******My parents do not believe that there's anything wrong with me, so please before you tell me to go to a therapist; I can't go without their consent so please put this into consideration.*****

Obviously, any advice you get here can't be substituted for that of a mental professional, so even if it's a school counselor, I urge you to find a way to talk to a professional, even if it's a helpline you could call. I'm sorry to hear your parents aren't taking your concerns seriously, I can understand how that would be immensely frustrating and leave you feeling helpless in the face of what sounds like some very frightening symptoms.

What you describe sounds like there has potentially been some sort of trauma experienced, based on your reactions to stress, so potential PTSD, particularly with your descriptions of: "Episodes of being selectively mute, silent sadness, chronic feelings of emptiness and worthlessness, suicidal tendencies, chronic apathy, and major depressive symptoms that last for months; spacing out and feeling blank most of the time; feeling like you don't belong or that your body is not yours; feeling like you're trapped and losing track of time" and other memory issues you mention. I have chronic PTSD, and I have definitely experienced all of those things you mention to an extreme, so my opinion is biased by my own experience.

Also, however, a lot of what you describe sounds like Bipolar with potentially psychotic features. You state at the end that "you do not see or hear things that are not there," but in your list you state that you start hallucinating under severe stress. You also mention "thinking that most people hate you or dislike you and imaging that they are laughing at you." Those things can be a sign of psychosis in Bipolar disorder.

As for the "weird, impulsive, uncontrollable gestures," that's generally a feature of schizophrenia, as can be the "selective mutism, feeling like something else, a spirit or entity is inhabiting and controlling your body and not you." A good thing to ask yourself, is throughout all these symptoms you're experiencing, are you able to do a reality check? Are you lucid enough during these experiences to recognize what you're feeling as an emotion and check for possible causes?

If you have trouble distinguishing reality from what you're experiencing, I would definitely urge you to see a doctor as soon as you can, however you can, even if you end up in the ER. No one can be turned away at an ER, so if you absolutely feel like you have nowhere to go and no one is helping you, please seriously consider going to the ER. Dealing with your parents after the fact is much better than potentially hurting yourself or losing your life. The symptoms you describe are severe, and you definitely need to get some help for them. I really wish you the best and hope you can find some help other than this forum.

I am not kidding when I say this, but I think you wrote my story. The ONLY thing that is not true for me is "Wandering in the streets for no reason. Finding yourself in place you didn't intend to go to.". I don't do that. Pretty much everything else you wrote, I can relate to.

The one I relate to most is "Feeling like something else, a spirit or entity is inhabiting and controlling your body and not you.". I'm convinced that I am possessed by a demon, though you may not believe in such stuff.

It is unbelievable how similar your symptoms yours are to mine.

Honestly, I don't think DID is very easy to diagnose or is an accurate characterization of a person's condition.

Now, given that your symptoms are similar to mine, I'll tell you what my Dx is: BPD, Bipolar 2, GAD, and MDD. I hate to admit that the finding yourself in places you didn't intend to go to is something someone with schizophrenia once told me he did. I pray you don't have that (I don't think you do).

So, yes, I think you have the same Dx: BPD, Bipolar (1 or 2, not sure), GAD, and MDD.

Hope this helps.

@Double edge and lilo: Thank you so very much. I deeply appreciate the feedback.

For some reason I just knew schizophrenia was going to come up, as I checked the negative symptoms and I pretty much have them all. Of course this is not enough for a diagnosis but maybe I should relay what makes me think that it's a high possibility.

Yesterday evening I experienced the most bizarre hyper-mania ever,and it was freaky. So, I had this horrible headache,weakness and fatigue but for I couldn't stay still so I had to circle listlessly around our tea table for nearly half an hour,before I sat down on the floor laughing and crying at the same time. I couldn't stop myself and I started talking to myself in a very satirical manner. It's really sad. Applying this to your question about distinguishing reality, well to me,that is reality. I really can't distinguish anymore and I feel like I have lost a key cognitive function in my brain, I lack insight or perception, that thing that makes you actually think about your actions is nearly gone now. And I have this chronic apathy, maybe apathy is not the right word but more like an inherent inability or disability in genuinely feeling emotions, I can express them fine but I don't feel them. I also display inappropriate emotions many times, like when something is really serious I chuckle or even burst out laughing which makes people angry. And when I am yelled at I grin and I smile for no reason. They aren't genuine because I don't feel anything related to joy or happiness, it just happens. It's really embarrassing, because sometimes I find myself laughing in public...

Continuing what happened later that night, well...I couldn't sleep and literally went 'crazy', I acted like a sugar-induced hyperactive five-year-old. I couldn't stop talking and joking and jumping, and doing all sorts of unreasonable things and then I had a very bad mood and went to bed upset. Maybe this should be added to give a better picture, there are days when my brain feels like it's on fire, it's not a headache per say but more like this burning feeling like it's being fried. And I have horrible screaming fits, but not because of the pain, I don't feel pain,I just feel like screaming and I scream until my veins get enlarged and hit myself hard, actually choking and strangling are the only ways that seem to calm me down. But because this is extremely dangerous,what I do is tie a thin rope on my arms or legs until the pulses are gone. Sometimes using tape makes it better.
There was a slight chance that all this might be DID so I posted on another web,if you have the time please check it out and see if it's relevant:
Can dissociative identity disorder be caused without trauma-psychforums.

Sorry for troubling you with all of this, this is honestly my only resort, I am very grateful for your opinions and insight. Thanks a million .

So could this possibly be schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder?

It could be so many things. And a lot of people have more than one illness. That really complicates things.
Along with bipolar, anxiety, and panic disorder, my pdoc thinks I may have ADD. However, the symptoms of bipolar and ADD overlap so much, it's hard to say. We're trying to treat the bipolar and see if the ADD symptoms lessen. If not, then we know we have something else to deal with.
That's why you really need to talk to a professional.

It sounds overwhelming. I hope you get some answers and relief soon. hugs

Sorry to hear, idk id guess schizoaffective disorder...best of luck!

I thing you ought to print out your original post and give it to your parents. I can't believe they'd want you to suffer like this. They probably don't believe something is wrong with you because they don't want to believe there's anything wrong. You need to see a psychiatrist ASAP for evaluation and diagnosis, as we cannot provide these things (none of us are doctors). Wishing you peace and understanding. ((((HUGS))))

I agree with BipolaRNurse, printing this thread out and showing it to your parents might get them to understand. I don't know what exactly your situation is with your parents. If it makes you feel better, my mom growing up absolutely refused to take me to the doctor multiple times when I needed emergency attention, specifically deep cuts that required stitches, including one that was the result of self-harm. She did nothing both times, and once even yelled at me how "doctors just want to steal your money." So I just hope that's not the kind of problem you're dealing with, where your parents are just removed from the reality of what is going on. As long as they're not completely neglectful, I can't imagine them reading this and not being concerned.

Your symptoms are extremely concerning, and warrant immediate medical attention. As far as laughing inappropriately, that could just be a panic response caused by an overproduction of cortisol and adrenaline, which based on your other symptoms and your overall self-reported distress about them, is probably running at high levels. Feeling like your brain is on fire could be a hallucination. Point is, none of us are diagnosticians, I can only relate to this from my undergraduate education in psychology, but in no way am I or anyone else here able to help you the way a qualified physician needs to. If you are at the point where you feel like self-harm is the only way to "calm you down," then you seriously need to take some real action and talk to someone about this who can help you. I know it's terrifying, but you have to do it for your own sake. No one can take care of you until you first take care of yourself by speaking up. You can do it, even if you think you can't. The alternative is not worth it. Please keep us updated and take care of yourself.

Thanks everyone. It's been two days and I'm symptom free. I'll try to convince my parents in the meantime. Thanks again. I really appreciate all the help I received.

Please let us know how it turns out for you! Forum's always here for you. Good luck!