I can't believe I did that...

Oh dear... I've also done this, didn't realise it was a thing till reading this thread. Especially the sharing too much personal information. Ugh! Cringe attack

I used to do pressured writing when i used to get manic. I wrote this guy a Facebook message about how to get to my apartment and it was PARAGRAPHS long. It had images and hyperlinks. Or i'd go on and on about some shopping i'd done. I also quit Facebook for a while because i couldn't trust myself. When i'm stable i don't do it at all.

It's hard to accept that i have a mental illness and my judgement will be off sometimes.

Yep! It is AMAZING that I can still walk & talk with both feet planted firmly in my mouth! I have obsessive thoughts & I'm not always selective about my audience. I will tell EVERYBODY & ANYBODY who will listen exactly how I feel and why when I get in a moodswing! It's like the filter in my brain that tells me when it's time to shut up is broken.

I have so many similar stories, here is one...

My wife and I have a friend at our daughter's school. She is a bit difficult, hot and then cold. I am actual friends with very few people who I know through being a parent. In this woman's case I confided in her at a time when my wife and I were struggling (largely because of my bipolar) and she really blew me off. I was so hurt. I told her so in a relatively sane way, and she promised to be more consistent, but similar things kept happening.

That is disappointing of course, and anyone would be upset, but I handled it in such an extreme way. I should mention that this woman is the PRESIDENT of our schools PTA, friends with like everyone who could have any kind of an impact on our daughter's life at school, and also runs the school auction which raises an enormous amount of money for the school. A sane person would have been able to choose their battles...

What I did was I completely cut her off, not just by no longer fraternizing with her or returning phone calls or emails, but by literally looking right through her every time we saw each other at school, I treated her like she did not exist, I cut my daughter off from her daughter, and I could see as it was happening that this woman was getting more and more agitated and bewildered by my extreme actions. Finally it was coming back to me that she was talking to other friends about it and what not, so I approached her and apologized but this went on for like 3 months!!! I did not explain about bipolar because I don't think she'd understand or be able to keep it to herself, but we do now at least have a functional cordial hi/bye relationship.

It's funny because it is the other extreme, not over communicating, but total exile, which is so extreme. This woman is a single mom, and she is such an amazing parent, is so overwhelmed and I know she did not mean to hurt me, I think she was a little careless but, given all that was at stake I could have let it go. I chose not to because it seemed to be the most important thing in the world to exact some type of revenge against her. This of course was going on during a time when I was struggling with cascading moods, rapid cycling, etc... And I recognize now that I was just triggered by her and it sent me into one of my moods.

In retrospect I felt so ashamed that I did not prioritize my daughter's experience above my maniacal emotional machinations. I also had crash and burn experiences joining a myriad of committees at our school, signing up for way to much and not coming through and alienating other parents. In the end I realized I was too triggered by the environment of school, having had the most terrible experience in school as a child (7 schools in 8 years, etc...), and that, as much as I admired other parents who could juggle work and school and parenting, that it is not an option for me because of my bipolar and that I need to find other ways to be there for my daughter.

It's been painful and embarrassing and I am certain I've not seen the last of it. I hope that in the future, when I am entertaining some rash action at the school I'll come on here and seek support from these amazing people who are the only people I've ever encountered who understand!

AND! Crazy emails that give away too much and push people into a corner where they are forced to deal with my way over the top emotional content. I have sent MILLIONS!

Last thought, some times we are able to be present with extremely intense emotional content in ways that no other kind of person could, and that is a strength! Going off the deep end will always suck and be embarrassing, but know that you are not alone and that we are here for you!

HUGS!
MT

Hi Flowerbells, I don’t think it has so much to do with discipline as it does being able to recognize when I am “on a mission” to express myself. If I notice that I have exaggerated and taken out of context my response to a topic, I have shared too much personal information, and I have over edited because I cannot focus and become irritable in the process, then red flags go up and tell me I will be probably be embarrassed and regretful down the road should my writing be viewed by other readers. What are your red flags?