[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I'm finding I'm having a really hard time figuring out what to do with myself. I go back to my T on Wednesday after discussing that I am likely bipolar last week for the first time. I've mainly been on the depression boards since I joined PC - didn't ever associate my non-depressed times with hypomania (had no idea what that was, actually).

For the past week, I've been obsessed with being on PC. I'm really anxious, and I feel like I'm looking for something on here that will calm me down or help me out of this hole, but I'm not finding it, so I keep looking and looking. I'd say I spend several hours on here every day over the last week, checking and re-checking to see either what's new or where I haven't looked yet.

And when I'm not on here, I'm obsessing in my mind about my past and trying to figure out if I can identify non-bipolar states versus hypomanic. I have such horrible memory anyway, that I can't recall a whole lot to go off other than the hypo states. I remember the highs of feeling like I'm so into a lot of different things, and I'm going to get it all done, impulsively buying lots of things for these projects, etc. - but I don't have a lot of memories of being 'in the middle' so to speak. The only time my brain isn't consumed with this is when I'm doing something that has to get done (dinner for kids, for example, or work meetings sometimes), and I spend those times extremely agitated and unfocused, too - or when I'm watching a movie (total escapism, except I'm picking a lot of depressing movies right now...death of loved ones, etc.).

How do I get my mind off this loop!?!? I usually only feel this agitated mind state where I can't stop my thoughts when I'm not depressed. I've been seriously depressed for a few months now, though, and I can't get my brain to let go of this topic. It's making me crazy(/ier).

[newtothis31]

There are some really good mood charting apps on SmartPhones. With BP being so new to you- you might want to break things down and just focus on charting your moods to gain a better understanding of them.

I remember what it's like to search for answers and I can tell you- it does get better.

Obsessive ruminating is, to me, the most difficult part of having a mental illness. I'm glad you have the appointment with your therapist tomorrow. Btw, I'm in northern California...what part of Calif are you in?

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Sister Rags - way up north and inland - Shasta County...you? And thanks for giving me a term for this...obsessive ruminating. It helps me to feel more like it's experienced by enough people that there's a name for it.

Newtothis - I just got my first smartphone (really late to the party); any suggestions on good apps for mood charting? I feel like I'm all over the place right now. Normally, I think I'm just either depressed or not (and I'm realizing now that 'not' is a lot of hypomania). It can be broken up with small bits of hypo during a primarily depressive episode in general. Right now, though, it feels like a ton of 'ups & downs' where the ups are characterized not by happiness or energy, but by irritability, anxiety and difficulty getting to sleep.

I think my thoughts have a lot to do with what I'm experiencing right now...hoping as I get more used to the idea of being bipolar, I'll spend less time fixated on what that means to me and going over everything in my life with that light. Thanks for the hope that this will improve at some point...

[Tucson]

Most of what you wrote also pertains to me, so much that I am both surprised and reassured that I am not alone.

Thanks for your post.