[DivineLove]

Hi,

I'm Sebastian, 23 years old, student, live alone, but I am still dependent on my parents financial.
I had a stressful situation, when I slid in an infantile, irresponsible state of consciousness a few hours ago. I hated myself and wanted to destroy myself. And i catched the plan to play computer and eat sweets until I'm dizzy and fall asleep. Although the stressful situation is over I still want to run computer games and all the self-destructive acts, which were originally intended to deal with stress. I have been through it already a few hundred times, have this pattern very often lived and mostly in the knowledge that it is not good, but I feel so small, so powerless to interrupt this pattern. I do not know how I can break this pattern, well that means I know it, but a childish Part of me still wants to proceed these self-destructive actions. How can I strengthen my will that I do not want to live thies pattern anymore? I feel powerless. What can I do? I am alone in my room and my Computer is on already and sweets I've also there, so my crash, nothing stands in the way and there is no one who could help me to feel joy, in a constructive manner. Always the same, I know how it ends and I do not have the will to do something about it. If I were to interrupt the pattern and would take a walk, then the plan is to stun me by eating and playing computer games still exist in my mind and the self-distructive action is merely shifted in time - from experience. So how do I bring the demolition of the pattern? I need something that makes me that I feel complete somehow, that I feel free and independent of the world - I guess. I would have to somehow access to all-encompassing, unconditional love, but my view is obscured, the way there seems to be unclear. I ask for help.

Thank you for your attention.

in love

Sebastian

[Tucson]

Place a big break in your routine. Do something different, preferably something outrageous. For me it was to hike out in the desert. Or walk next door to a store that sold pop. Just some thoughts.