[XSleepingSiren21X]

When I'm sad or depressed, I never can tell. I keep telling myself that it's because I'm tired, but I never accept the fact that I'm sad or anything. I get confused about it sometimes because others around me keep telling me I look sad or I look like somethings on my mind but I completely don't feel that way. I feel nothing for that fact, I keep thinking over and over that I'm probably not sad, I'm just feeling in another sense that would seem like it.

Sometimes when I really do feel depressed and at times cry, I end up with weird intermissions during the period where I feel absolute nothing.

For example I'd think of something sad or I become sad, so I cry, but then after a few seconds of breaking down I stop and feel nothing. I stop crying completely and stay like that with blank face with my mind literally blank before I break down again and much more harder. I generally end up doing that a few times throughout the episode for at least 10-15 minutes. Afterwards I stop feeling sad or borderline and go back to do my normal activities.

It's like I can't emotionally or mental stabilize myself in certain situations like that. I do it more than once with other kinds of emotion situations, like when I have episode with hypomania. At times I'll feel excited or euphoric, but suddenly I start to feel sad or become bitter. I switch out so fast I become panicked and I'll soon want nothing to do with anything and have bad anxiety.

Another example, I hang out with a friend or close family member and at first I feel happy about going out to see a movie or meet with other people for a get together and then after a few minutes of thinking so much about it or making action about it, I get suddenly really nervous. Next thing is I get bad anxiety and I quite all connections with the plans.

What's bad is I do that for every thought out plan I make with people, I end up disappointing someone or leave them upset because I can't stop getting mixed emotions out of no where over everything. I want to hang out with friends and family, but at the same time I don't want anything to do with them. My friends are distant, my family ignores my problems. I don't know what to do or more importantly how to feel.

I can't afford medication for any type of mood stabilizer or to even go to the doctor. I don't have support from anyone like, friends, family.

I feel like a wreck and I'm becoming suicidal again for it....

[~Christina]

Every county has a mental health center, they can offer a sliding scale fee or free visits to a Pdoc and for Therapy and can also see if you qualify for help getting medications. I know the mood stabilizer Lithium is like 10.00 a month, so doable Im sure.

In the meantime are you using any coping skills to help yourself when you get overwhelmed ?

meditation,mindfulness,exercise,healthy diet,breathing exercises to name a few .. Most coping skills can be learned on your own, or here on PC, youtube has some great videos that can walk your through the steps.

If your so down that your feeling suicidal then you really need to reach out for help. Its out there just make some calls.

Welcome to PC and take care