Hello there. A little about myself here, and why Im posting this. ... A few years ago, I was officially diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar (which I think is whats called Ultradian Cycling), Complex-PTSD (from a extremely rocky childhood, and traumatic experiences), along with Agoraphobia, and Social Phobia. I am in counseling for it, yet it is very slow going.

I do take my own choice of medication, which works for me. I have learned techniques on how to manage my issues (through trail and error, of course) when they cause me problems.

I think I have posted similar things like this thread in the past, yet none of them were from this perspective with what I know about myself now. Not to mention counseling isn't really helping, and my girlfriend (even though she says she understands) doesn't fully understand the perplexities of what I'm going through. Haven't met a single person who really does to be honest.

However, I guess the reason I'm here today is not to tell you about all that, but mainly to address some of the current worries and fears I have in my life at this time...... I work a somewhat full time job, well, more like a full time/ part time job on the account winter is approaching and the hours just arent there like they are during the summer months

Yet, I was told about 2 month ago that the place I work probably wont exist anymore in about 2 years. Now while 2 years is a long time, it still brings up a number of fears, as well as a constant worry each time I step foot into the building.

What will I do when I no longer have this job? I've been told in older threads to just suck it up and go get another job like every one else does. Too, get over it. There have even been people in my life (well, they are no longer in my life parse. More like were, but not now due to what they said, and how they viewed me, and my situation) have told me there is nothing wrong with me. It's all in my head.

I've often thought to myself over the years after hearing those words. There's nothing wrong with me, or it's all in my head. How on earth could there be nothing wrong with me if i feel the way I do? How can there be nothing wrong with me when I look around and my life is clearly not like others who are able to live a normal, rewarding life?

Anyways, as I was saying: I've told my counselor in one of my last session's. Sure, I can go get a job at the local grocery store, or at MC Donald's. Yet, I can guarantee I will either get fired, laid off, or be forced to quit on the account my issues will show up on the job and people will react to me in not so nice of a manor.

It's not just another dead end job I seek, it's a career I want. I already have a dead end job, in which I have worked at for nearly 22 years. Granted, I've been fired and let go from that job many times before my diagnosis because my boss didn't know how to deal with me. Not to mention he, nor I, knew that there was anything wrong. It was more like I was just being quote, unquote "an asshole". As I've so been informed many times from many different people at work over the years.

I know having any type of career involves going back to school, yet even that brings up it's own set of worries and fears. Not just with choosing what kind of career I want, which one will fit me, or which one will work within my ability to work. But also being able to finish the school work in a timely manner, if at all. I wouldn't be able to attend an actual class room setting, so it would have to be online. Yet, there are so many what if's, and such, I drive myself crazy thinking about it all.

In all honesty? Being around people for any period of time does not work with me. Don't get me wrong, I can be around people, just not for long periods of time. Or for that matter, when im in the middle of an episode I shouldn't be around anyone. Period. Working completely alone would be ideal. Working around a few individuals might work, yet what happens when I start to cycle, or I'm triggered and act out on the job? How will those people view me, or treat me from there on? Not in a nice way, I can say that. It's been proven before time and time again with past jobs I've had.

My counselor suggested Graphic Design in one of our sessions. However, the more I learned about the career, the more I had to ask myself. Is this really the right career for me? Sure, I would be able to work alone for the most part, as well as only have to deal with the clients when needed.

The real problem I had to look at is, when the client didn't like the work I poured all my heart and soul into. Or worse, tore it apart in front of me and said it was junk. That simply would destroy me especially if I was already having a rough time with my issues.

Each issues brings it's own set of problems to the table. Rapid Cycling Bipolar: I fluctuate on a almost daily/ hourly basis. Up and Down, Back and Forth. Happy one minute, utter sad the next, anger, confusion, not being able to concentrate, and the list can go on. The Complex_PTSD: has me on edge every single moment of the day. Any little (or big thing, even if it's a misunderstanding) can set me off without warning. Those two alone, both feed off of one another. Making for a very interesting day.

The agoraphobia and social phobia have their own things they add to the almost already full cup. If you know what i mean? With everything I go through, with all the emotions, the frustration, the anger, sadness, anxiety, self loathing, lack of self esteem, depression. As well as feeling completely alone in a room full of people, and SO withdrawn inside myself, it often seriously leaves me so utterly drained at the end of the day.

Believe me, I've heard it all. Been told I need to have my med's adjusted, or changed to help. Yet, I will say this. No matter if it's the newest Doctor prescribed drug, or a all natural remedy? Nothing works 24/7! Even those who swear by the med's they are taking will say that it doesnt always help. This is a fact. Look it up

When I'm (what's called) triggered? Regardless what the reason is, it all leads to whats mentioned above. And when I am triggered, it leaves me in such a state of mind which literally takes every fiber of my being to push forward. To simply get through the rest of the day, and hopefully. Just hopefully it will all pass sooner than later, and everything will go back to normal in my head.

I told my counselor how long it can take sometimes. For me to get over it (just gotta love those words, dont you, get over it?) It can take anywhere from 3 to 6 hours, if not all day. Sometimes lasting days, if not a whole week. He told me, most people in my situation (conditions, i mean) usually get over it, and go back to normal 20-30 min's (don't quote me there, I don't remember the actual amount of time, yet I do know it's not as long as I deal with it). Onto taking sometimes an hour. It's no wonder I feel so completely drained at the end of a work day. I deal with so much already on just a personal manner

And that doesn't take into consideration of being stuck at work, and having to deal with all the entails. Forcing myself to smile at people. Forced to talk to them in a polite and respectable manor when all I want to do is scream at them to leave me alone, or go away. Never mind the fact if I'm already dealing with a full blown episode?

One time at work I had a co-worker approached me to ask a simple question about an issue that had developed. Yet, due to already dealing with what I was going through inside myself at the time? I could not talk, couldn't even utter a single word in fear I'd say the wrong thing. Even had another co-worker come up at the same time asking their own line of questions, with me still not able to respond.

The 2nd co-worker was more accepting of me not responding while the 1st co-worker, seeing that I wouldn't respond to even the 2nd co-worker, processed to call me an A-hole and yell at me. It was all I could do to stand there and not give into the darkness inside me.

It really feel like im in a constant fight (more like a battle of epic proportions) with myself, inside my head. One side wants me to give in and end my life. Just let it all go, and their be no more pain. No more suffering. Yet, the other side wants very much to live a rewarding and happy life. Who doesn't wish to die.

However, when the darkside takes over? It's all I (the side that wants to live) can do to wrap my arms around myself and hold on for dear life. To simply hope I don't give into this other side who wants nothing more then to destroy me.

Another analogy is, there are two of me in the same car. The "bad me" (I'll call him for a lack of better terms) is at the wheel, while the "good me" is tied up in the back seat. The "bad me" is driving recklessly, trying everything he can to kill us both. While the "good me" is screaming in the back seat for dear life.

I've even had to really watch myself when I feel like I'm going to lose control in public, or in front of someone. For when I lose it, when I finally get raging anger and snap? It's like I have no more control over my own body. I can see and hear everything that's happening, yet I can't control what I do, or say.

So ya. This is my problem. What to choose as a career that will work for me, and my ability to work. As in a job that will fit me, not a job I have to fit into. If that makes sense.

And again, it's also been said, there are no, to hardly any jobs out there in which you don't have to deal with, or talk to people. Every job out there you'll have to talk to, or handle people in some manner or another. Which is understandable, I once forced myself to be a bartender for 6 years.

It was a extremely trying time however, not to mention I got fired twice in that 6 years. As well as seriously drinking 2 pots of very very strong coffee just to get through a single night at work. Then, I'd be away for 2 to 3 days after that due to being over loaded with caffeine. Stayed awake twice for 5 days in a row. Now that really starts messing with your mind! You seriously start seeing things that aren't there. Always taking a fast double look just to make sure you saw what you saw, or if it was jus your mind playing tricks on you. I highly don't recommend doing this however

My counselor has referred me to a, honestly i don't know what he is. He handles disability, and well, tries to fit people into work I guess? I dont know. I've contacted him by email, yet got no response back going on 4 days now. I know I should jus break down and call him. Yet, talking to new people always brings with it new anxieties. H a p p y, H a p p y, J o y, J o y :-(

Not everyone in this world is accepting of people with any level of bipolar and such though. There is SO much stigma out there, it is daunting, and can boggle one's mind. I've even been witnessed to a group of men all laughing and going on about how all bipolar people should be round up, put on their own deserted island, and nuked off the face of the planet. So ya, gotta love the stigma

Honestly? I really don't know why I'm writing this right now. It's not like I'm here expecting anyone to fix my problems, or anything. If anything, I guess I'm simply seeking a avenue in which to ramble on. I know everyone out there in this world has their own set of unique problems, and issues which they deal with, or struggle through each and every day of their lives. Could be I'm attempting to reach out, find like minded people. Seek advice, or friendship due to being more of a recluse these days. I honestly hardly leave my home anymore. Except, of course, to go to work

Anywho, Id also like to add here, if you don't have anything nice to say in regards to this posting, please don't say anything at all? I've had many people in the past respond in not so nice of a way in the past. Also, even though these issues affect thousands of people out there. It doesn't always affect everyone in the same way. Kind of like Lighting, if you will. It doesn't strike twice (or not supposed to) in the same place. So please, don't assume I can deal with, or handle what you can. Thank you

I do apologize this was so long, it seriously could have been much longer. Really glad I caught myself here and decided to bring it to a close. Thank you all for taking the time to read my ramblings here. Forgive me if I don't respond back right away? I never truly know how I will be doing from one day to the next. Yet, I will do my best to reply back asap. Again, thank you all for reading and hope you all have a wonderful day.

Take care, and may God bless you all

[Victoria'smom]

The vocational rehab guy should be able to help you find a job that fits you not the other way around, just bring a list of your concern. I would call him tomorrow. You may need to go to day treatment or extra therapy/group until you're more stable. It sounds like you disassociate a lot. I feel that it's important to deal with that first.