[tigersassy]

I'm depressed. I can say that with absolute certainty right now. Headache, achy all over, tired all the time, cold, negative thoughts driven by hateful comments from a past life, crying all the time, the list could go on. Noticed today that I'm "hearing" things go wrong with my car. I hear them they feel real, but someone else drives and it's fine. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Couple that with the fact that I'm faking being ok at work. Laughing and joking then get to my office and crying and can't make it stop. Everything has to be ok at work. I can't fall apart. He'll I don't like to fall apart at home. I'm to the stage where I'm starting to believe my mother when she told me I was crazy and should have been locked up. What if I am? What if I'm just one meltdown away from doing something horrible? I don't feel like I'm in control of anything. That my brain is trying to "take care" of me by sending me to a last resort. What can I hold on to for support to keep me grounded and compliant. Meds aren't helping right now. Pdoc appt next Wed, trying to get a new t. What if I just let go of the lifesaver? Eugh....

[~Christina]

Try to slow things down and go step by step . minute by minute if you need to.

This is the hell that Bipolar can be... Wasn't too long ago you were Manic as hell, Remember?

Bipolar cycles it always will.. Hang on tight and make sure you tell all of this stuff to your Pdoc. Maybe get a sooner appt ?

If your feeling unsafe or want to harm others just go to the ER they will be able to help you.

[Crazy Hitch]

It's so hard putting up a front.

My mind does all sorts of tricks on me with thoughts when I'm super depressed.

Hope you get the right professional support that you deserve!

[tigersassy]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Try to slow things down and go step by step . minute by minute if you need to.

This is the hell that Bipolar can be... Wasn't too long ago you were Manic as hell, Remember?

Bipolar cycles it always will.. Hang on tight and make sure you tell all of this stuff to your Pdoc. Maybe get a sooner appt ?

If your feeling unsafe or want to harm others just go to the ER they will be able to help you.

It doesn't feel like I've ever been manic right now. All I know is this dark mass that is smothering me. I'm trying to slow myself down, but when I do I feel exhausted. Trying takes so much effort.

[~Christina]

Are you able to force yourself to take a walk ? Sometimes when I am very depressed I force and I mean force myself to take a walk and it seems to help a bit.

[tigersassy]

Yeah. I make myself go to work where I walk the majority of the day. Maybe I'm getting a cold on top of this.

[tigersassy]

I'm at home alone depression is eating at me making me so tired and giving me the worst headaches/migraines. I just want to sleep, but I don't want to sleep longer. So I'm watching tv. It's taking so much out of me. Work is stressful right now so hopefully the 2days off should help Maybe. I'm ready to just cry. Blah...

[tigersassy]

Still feeling bad. My store manager is not helping things either. She basically keeps accusing me of being a liar or at least that's how I feel. I still just want to sleep. Blah....

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by tigersassy

Still feeling bad. My store manager is not helping things either. She basically keeps accusing me of being a liar or at least that's how I feel. I still just want to sleep. Blah....

Not a nice feeling when you're already low to feel like someone superior? at work is bringing you down even further. Toxic to the soul.

[tigersassy]

It doesn't help that I told her she was breaking federal laws. Now I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get in trouble tomorrow because there was signage that was supposed to go up and I had the department's do their signage. Well one department didn't and didn't tell me they didn't either. And my wife isn't in a very good mood. So now I'm hiding in the bedroom reading a book on bipolar and saying yep this is me. Can I go back to before I knew there was anything wrong?

[~Christina]

You can try to go back .. But it never helps,, But you were BP before you got the "label"

My advice is put down the BP book and watch a comedy or read another book... Piling layers and layers of BP stuff on top of you when your feeling so low never seems to help , I speak from first hand knowledge

[Curious651]

Sorry you are having a rough depressive cycle. Been there and pretty sure most of us have. Nothing I say will make it better. All I can say is hope you hang in there and try some distraction. Hope this passes soon.

[tigersassy]

I'm just utterly worn out. Pdoc on Wed. I keep telling myself that. Help is this close. But now I'm crashing. Sleep. Trying to decide if I want to take all of Wed off or just leave early from work for Pdoc appt. I don't want this to be me. Fml.

[Manic Trance]

Originally Posted by tigersassy

I'm depressed. I can say that with absolute certainty right now. Headache, achy all over, tired all the time, cold, negative thoughts driven by hateful comments from a past life, crying all the time, the list could go on. Noticed today that I'm "hearing" things go wrong with my car. I hear them they feel real, but someone else drives and it's fine. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Couple that with the fact that I'm faking being ok at work. Laughing and joking then get to my office and crying and can't make it stop. Everything has to be ok at work. I can't fall apart. He'll I don't like to fall apart at home. I'm to the stage where I'm starting to believe my mother when she told me I was crazy and should have been locked up. What if I am? What if I'm just one meltdown away from doing something horrible? I don't feel like I'm in control of anything. That my brain is trying to "take care" of me by sending me to a last resort. What can I hold on to for support to keep me grounded and compliant. Meds aren't helping right now. Pdoc appt next Wed, trying to get a new t. What if I just let go of the lifesaver? Eugh....

TS!
Just wanted you to know I follow your posts, and I get on here when I am feeling the way you do now. I'm getting there as is. But really you are so great on the forum. I am sorry you are feeling so bad, it will change, it always changes.
Hang in
MT

[Lemon Curd]

I'm on the down swing myself. It's horrible. I do think I may be sick too. I think it's a sinus issue. I'm prone to them. I get a massive headache & lots of yucky phlegm. I end up using boxes & boxes of tissue. I'm seeing my GP this friday. I know when I'm sick, it certainly doesn't help my BP, especially when it's racing downhill.
Just know you're not alone.
That's just me.
*big warm friendship hug*

[tigersassy]

I feel like everyone is giving up on me. Including me. I'm not suicidal. I just wish I didn't exist. Tomorrow can't get here soon enough.

[Capriciousness]

Hello sweet person,

I have been here time and time again feeling just this way. My heart aches for you and tears burn my eyes because I KNOW this pain, this torment, this swirling whirling confusing mind **** of an illness.

I'm trying to remember things the wonderful people here told me...

It is a cycle. You WILL feel better again. This episode WILL pass. And those in between times ARE WORTH IT.

Just keep HANGING ON

You have done it before and you will do it again.

We who battle this are true superheroes. Invisible, silent, horribly stigmatized and misunderstood SUPERHEROES.

We are all here for you. Don't stop talking. Don't stop ranting and trying to express how it feels.

[tigersassy]

I'm on viibryd and last year worked fantastic. Within a few months depression was gone and that was at 20mg. Now I'm on 40mg and it doesn't seem to be doing anything. This is what happens every time. Is this normal? For anti depressants to stop working after a time?

[tigersassy]

I'm broken. Now I've broken my wife. She is numb. I don't understand. This is driving me further down. Edge of tears. I can't lose her. Want to crawl under my desk and cry and rock. She isn't making sense to me.

[~Christina]

Breathe .. Just take one small step at a time... Your Pdoc will beable to help you.. Just breathe, It's going to get better. Mindfulness ! and Self grounding ! Kick your coping skills into gear, You really need them right now.

[tigersassy]

I can see the beauty in things, but that just makes me feel worse. Because I am broken

[Capriciousness]

I know. It is horrible! Damage control with your wife. Just keep telling her how sick you are right now and you wish it could be different. It WILL be better someday.

Stop thinking. Just stop thinking about things. Don't make decisions or come to conclusions or form thoughts. It doesn't work right now and will just make you feel worse. Don't think about the past or the future. Just keep reminding yourself that you are sick right now. You have the flu in your head. You will get help and it will get better.

[tigersassy]

I can't stop thinking. I try to shut it off, but I can't. Don't know if I'm going to go to work tomorrow or not. I don't want to. Anxiety is sky high. But I have so much stuff to do as work after vacation 2 weeks ago. Eugh...

[tigersassy]

Decided work was not an option today. Slept in. I'm still tired. Probably slept to long. Pdoc about in 2hours. Wish I could just call and cancel. But I know I have too go. I hate this. I want fixed now. And this makes no sense I don't know what caused this depression. I know it isn't seasonal because fall is my favorite time of year. I just want to bang my head against a wall. Rock and cry.

[tigersassy]

Seroquel to 300mg lamictal stepping up to 300mg. I still feel like crap now to tackle the therapist situation. Desperately need a new one. Have 2options. Blah.