Am I Cursed? (hypersexuality, "sins," fear, guilt, poor judgement)

I'm going through some hypersexual phase and having lots of scary thoughts. I alternate between feeling really hypersexual and having really poor judgement, then so much guilt, fear (disease, meeting some scary person, etc.) and - even though I'm not overly religious - I have a strong fear of God and even worry I'm cursed.

I flucuate between being completely wild, drinking, smoking, sexing it up, then I start praying, reading prayers and Bible verses, etc. It's like I'm faced with the decision to choose God or the devil.

Does anyone else go through anything similar, even if you're not religious? I'd like to talk more about hypersexuality and how to overcome it and deal with the guilt after having gone through it. Please help!

I think guilt is a mostly useless emotion. Especially in situations like this, when you alternate between "sin" and "guilt". One does not stop the other, then what's the point?

I think you have the total right to engage in whatever activities you like and no one can tell you otherwise (assuming you are not cheating on anyone and secure a consent of the people you engage in the activities with). If there is God, I hope he is busy fighting Ebola right now. I don't think you personal sexual life is of such a tremendous concern for him. And if God would curse you for being ill and having hyper-sexuality as a symptom, we are all doomed anyways.

However, you need to take precautions to keep yourself safe. Never have unprotected sex, never go anywhere with people you don't know without alerting someone to your whereabouts and making it known to the person you are with that your friends know where you are and will call police if you do not turn up. Try not to have the outright "sex" with people you just met. Limit first encounters to the activities that will not leave anyone pregnant or with a disease (I'm sure you can come up with the couple alternatives).

Don't make yourself suffer needlessly. You have a lot on your plate as is. Keep safe and have a little fun. It's your right and no one can stop you unless you are breaking the law.

I deal with all of this including the poor judgement and also feel this kind of split between a straight and narrow righteous person, and this out of control wild person. I don't think of it as being cursed, I do at times feel like I am 'possessed' like there is this whole other person that lives inside of me, and who sometimes IS me, and then I wake up from being that person and it is like being roused from a dream, and I find it hard to related to the person who decided to do all those things. Being cursed or possessed is a way of talking about this, but in terms of our illness, I believe this is referred to as dissociative identification disorder, one symptom of which is a sense of two distinct personalities. In our case perhaps that manifests as a straight and narrow person, and a wild one prone to sexual mania, but that is just circumstantial, the quality of being this one person, and then suddenly feeling like this other person, definitely seems dissociative to me. Maybe that is just me, perhaps I am not understanding what you are experiencing.

At any rate, if you'd like to talk more about this, and about sexual mania, I am happy to do so, perhaps better to take up in messaging?
Soon.
MT

You are so right! It's so futile to sit here and fluctuate back and forth. Thinking "Am I guilty of terrible sins or am I forgiven? Is the sex a sin, even if it is a symptom of my disease?" I have to forgive myself, accept the anxiety as a mental disorder, and try to enjoy the moment. Be it having sex with someone or praying to God for help. I enjoy both my wild moments and my spiritual moments. Thank you so much for this reply! I think I need to meditate

Also...

This is exactly how I feel sometimes. Like there's something in me doing these things I regret (mostly the sex I have with other adults looking for the same thing I'm into) and giving me these horrible anxiety-riddled thoughts. I even answered once on a personality test that I felt possessed, I felt cursed, I even said it would be easier to be the opposite sex. And because of these answers, the test was deemed invalid, because it seemed I was saying things just to make myself look like I'm worse off mentally than I am. Hell no! I justified all my answers and my therapist seemed to get it. But whoever or whatever (a computer maybe) analyzed my answers was dead wrong. These thoughts are not invalid, they are very real. But people like you make me feel better, just knowing I'm not alone.

I know what you are saying exactly. I flip around so many times I feel like Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. I don't feel guilt anymore though - I'm more worried at about the struggle and the emotions that come with it. I was at mass today and I started crying. I just wanted this madness to be taken away from me. I sometimes feel like the devils puppet. I just want the insanity to be gone forever.

I feel embarrassment after hypo episodes when I look at what I've done and think what the hell - that couldn't have been me. I'm not very quick to forgive myself either and it's like the bad decisions keep on playing through my head over and over again and I just think how could I have done that! But eventually, after a long time, I can barely remember it, even though I'm aware of it. You're currently in a cycle of a pattern of behaviors that you are not comfortable with so it keeps on playing and replaying through your mind. Hyper sexuality and indiscretion with sexual partners can certainly be a symptom for some.

The first step to fixing something is to acknowledge that you have a problem, which you have done. The next step is figuring out how to redirect your aroused feelings so that you can stop the cycle that displeases you.

God and the devil. That's really symbolic of your conscious mind approving and then disapproving your behavior.
I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to tell you how to stop the behavior but I dont. If it were me *close your eyes if you are sensitive* I'd be finding ways to gratify myself before I go out to alleviate the impulses.

Be well.

I know. It's a wild ride. I sometimes worry about what I might do. Definitely being on the straight and narrow as far as alcohol, cigarettes, weed, etc... are concerned helps a lot. And when I am exercising and meditating and all it's way better, I feel way more whole. But still, I don't think everyone starts to feel like another being is living inside of them when they start partying a lot, and further more, even when I'm not partying a lot, it expresses itself in other ways, though it is less likely to find expression in terms of hyper-sexuality. Anyhow, I'm here any time you wanna message or post about it, and it's also better for me knowing that there are other people who have this experience.
Hang in and be safe!
Soon.
MT

Sorry to hear your concerns and fears. Although I have never been hypersexual with various ppl. I have been with ex wife. I am not sure how I would handle it with various ppl. Best of luck

I've done this while manic and it has lead to the belief that God and the Devil were testing me, VERY delusional thinking, and hallucinations. The worst episode I've ever had centered around these delusions. Now at the first thought that God or the enemy is testing me, I share with my husband to watch me closely and it usually ends with a call to my pdoc and a med adjustment. Keep sharing this here and hopefully with someone you are close to to ensure this does not get out of hand. Wishing you the best!

I'm sorry you've gone through this, but I'm glad you can recognize what is real and what is delusional. Thanks so much for your feedback and all the great feedback from others. I too have been here before, even so bad I basically had a psychotic break with reality complete with hallucinations and not just panic, but sheer terror, for months. It was awful, but it was before I was diagnosed BP1.

Now that I'm diagnosed, taking meds, going to therapy, and just recently found this amazing forum to exchange ideas, I can usually up my meds and do other things to help me once it gets started. I'm still pretty out of it, but good food and good sleep always help too. So I just made a steak and mashed potatoes

That happens to me when manic. Do you think you're manic right now?

I call my wild party girl bad girl hypersexual mania Red mania.

And I call my blissed out super spiritual mania White mania.

There is also black mania when that spiritual stuff gets kinda dark and creepy.

When the manias mix and blend and swirl it can be really awful.

I hope you feel better soon.

So no I don't think you are cursed. Just Bipolar.

Red mania. I love that!

So last night I was again hypomanic if not "red manic" (that's an awesome way of putting it). But a touch of "white mania" actually kept anything bad from happening.

I'm fairly "black manic" today -- very creeped out and kind of scared -- so I think I might just pop into church for a bit, then come home and cook a good, but light, meal. It can't hurt, right? Even if I don't agree with all of man's teachings, church is always a "safe" place for me.

Today has to be a better day and tomorrow even better. I'm so back and forth between doing things that I know will damage my psyche and things that will help make me healthy.

Well said. It is like that song "I feel something so right doing the wrong thing.." Etc. of course it usually sucks later but some times it feels so good to be bad in some moments of this illness and just indulge.

This is all normal stuff for me. Well, it used to be. My meds have basically castrated me which isn't the worst outcome really.

I now exist on a plane of unreality where God and the Devil do not exist. I am starting to doubt whether I exist too these days.