What is my true self and what is my bipolar symptoms?

I have a little issue concerning wether I am bipolar, or if I have bipolar... If I am bipolar, then does that mean that it is somehow a part of me, and not my illness? If I have bipolar, then does that mean that I am not my illness...?
What part of me is my true self, and what is manifestations of this illness?
I was diagnosed four years ago, and since then my life has been a bit of a rollercoaster. I sometimes try to remember what life was like before I started having hypomanic/manic episodes, that ended in a major depression. It is hard to think back to another time in my life, both because I have some difficulty remembering, and also because it is painful to be confronted with what I have lost... my career, friends, a pretty good income. I was diagnosed when I was 40, so I had a pretty established life, before that all changed!
Is it anyone out there that struggle with identifying what is what in terms of illness and our true selves? And is it anyone out there who have had this illness debut in mid-life, changing it completely?

Homeira, you ask some good questions. I believe that I have bipolar. I am not my illness. If someone has cancer, we don't say, "John is cancer." It is difficult to distinguish, sometimes, between ourselves and the behaviors caused by our illness. I'm working to do that right now as well. Like you I was diagnosed later in life, and not until my illness had pretty much destroyed my career and my marriage. However I was manifesting symptoms long before that. I'm BP2 and my hypomania's historically been mild, so I was misdiagnosed with MDD. Anyway, the process you're going through is a normal and healthy one. Remember you are not your disease, and continue to work toward returning to the healthy, stable life you had, and you deserve.

Many people benefit from separating self from illness by referring to themselves as having bipolar, instead of being bipolar.


It's a matter of perception and which is healthier to adopt.


I am part of the few who refer to myself as being bipolar, because im also part of an even smaller group who find its healthier FOR ME to observe it as an extension of myself as opposed to an illness.

Personally, having ill perceptions, caused me to be more symptomatic. I thought like a sick person, therefore I behaved like one daily.


Unacceptable to me.


Either way, whichever group you fall into, it's in your best interest to only attribute symptoms to bipolar, nothing less and nothing more.

You end where the DSM list begins.

Ah! The million dollar question! My usual response is "don't let your MI define who you are". But I guess what I really mean is "don't let it stop you". For me personally, I feel that I AM bipolar. I've just decided to accept it just as I do the color of my skin. Because if I HAVE something (unless it's a terminal illness) there's a good chance I can get rid of it. No drugs, no amount of therapy has ever worked for me. Some ARE able to find things that help them.... but not me. So, now I consider it a part of who I Am. I guess it's a matter of perspective. I was diagnosed as an adult, but had the signs my whole life, so that's all I have ever known.

I guess I am trying to salvage my identity in the middle of everything. I dont want to lose that as well. I guess I land on I have bipolar, for now..., more in the perspective of Mountainbard.
Although I must say that the perspective that Trippin2.0 has, is an interesting one. Never thought of it like that. It is certainly something to consider!
My journey has taken me down a path I never imagined before I got sick, and I must explore different perspectives, to make me cope.
In my family, several people have BP, both extended family, as well as my close family (my brother also has BP, and like me he was diagnosed mid-life). But it is not one way to deal with things I guess, not even in a "BP-family" like mine...

Alone and confused, how wonderful that you are in love! Although the last time I was in love I became manic. Just have to laugh about it really, even though my psychiatrist did not find it very amusing!
Thank you for the perspective you are giving me to consider. I now have three different viewpoints to take with me further along this journey.
And I am so grateful for you guys replying to me. Means a lot!

Awww! Thank you! He truly is amazing! So glad to help! We all have to stick together, right? Yeah, love makes me manic too sometimes..... but in a good way! I'm here if you need to talk!

My bipolar symptoms are the part of me that only crop up during various swings in the mood.

At the same time, my symptoms are also a part of me because it's what my brain wired me to do.

I don't view it as black and white really. It's all a big old mix of grey. I opt to go "I don't like that behaviour that shows up when I'm depressed, so THAT is the bipolar and not me" because it makes me feel better

I work to change and manage the things that I don't like, regardless of whether they're from the bipolar or just me. I can't always change it the way I'd like to, but I try.

It's just me. I have bipolar, I am bipolar, it doesn't really matter to me. I tend to say "I have bipolar" when speaking to others because I think it's easier to dispell stigma that way and there are a lot of really dense people out there. But to myself, it's just there.

I am just on a constant cycle of up and down. I take my meds, some supplements and stick to a pretty healthy diet. But still, the swings are there. I just feel like am losing myself, and it scares me. Maybe I should try some counseling. Right now I have been somewhat stable though. Maybe I am ready to start working with a counsellor.

Hard though bipolar is, I can't imagine myself without it. I like myself and bipolar is one of the things that makes me me. I don't want to be anyone else, so I wouldn't get rid of my bipolar. Maybe saying that just proves how crazy I am.

Darvula

It's hard for me to know what my true self is and where my mental health lies. And what influencing factors from my medications are contributors to my overall state of being.

I can't deny I have mental health issues but for me, it's a part of me and does influence my behavior and how I interact with others, my family and my work.

I certainly don't want it but it's there. And it appears when I least likely to expect it or I'm under quite a bit of stress. It doesn't define me but it sure as hell influences me.

Be well.

My life has been utterly destroyed because of my las episode,sch destruction,,,,then and now are worlds apart.Look for the blessing,we often overlook the gift that comes in time and through loss and believe me I sure couldn't get on with life easily,,,,maybe that was the biggest gift of all,,,through the rubble and destruction came life,,,,,,again,and it will come.

It's an interesting question. You are yourself, but you have a disorder. The thing is that sometimes we don't know if things we do or say are just normal or something influenced by disorder. I haven't figured it out. Today I found out that the way I feel when I go out and around people is anxiety. Well hello! I thought all this time it was just my introverted personality. I've been on meds for anxiety for about a week and am about to go out AT NIGHT to a function where people will be and I'm not nervous. That has not happened in at least 5 years!!!
All and all, I am me, but I am bipolar too. To me this means I'm different than the greater population in ways that effect nearly all aspects of my life. I'm just rambling at this point, or thinking it out loud. I understand where you are at and why you ask the question. While I still don't have the answer, I know it doesn't worry me as much as it used to. I suspect time will be good for you too.

I just feel like I am me. Others apply a label of bipolar to me, with which I can certainly concur; however, i don't feel like it is separate. I just feel like I am who I am, and there is an explanation for why I experience human existence with such extreme intensity. I am not sure that I like it, but I also don't dislike it. I have made peace with the label. What I haven't made peace with is the lack of control. So, I guess my answer is I am not bipolar and I do not have bipolar. I am just me. I understand the categorical label and its usefulness though.

I have Bipolar , I prefer to think of it that way. But it really doesn't matter (to me), I had no problem accepting the diagnosis/Label. It did explain some of my behavior in the past. lol

I never compare myself and wish I was "normal" there is no such thing as "normal "for anyone on this spinning rock, everyone is unique.

Any who that's my 2 cents

Interesting to hear how you just found out about your anxiety, pink&gray. And as you write, all along you assumed it was just your introverted personality. Happy to hear that you are getting good help with the anxiety! I am more in the extroverted personality-group I guess. And not always in a good way. Sometimes I am too open and direct with people, and if I am starting to become manic, then it gets to be too much for those around me I think. So I guess the openness and frankness is a part of me, but it just gets magnified by BP.

Wait...this is only tangentially related, but still:

...I am anxious.

...I am depressed.

...I am fearful.

...I am irritable.

So far so good.

So to me, it means that - continuing the pattern:

-- I am hypomanic

-- I am an insomniac

-- I am agitated

-- I am restless.

the thing about the word "bipolar" is that it was a politically correct word that replaced "manic depression", and as such the word does not by itself describe any particular mood but instead describes the volatility between different mood phases. So the word is artificial, and that allows us to play with "I have" vs "I am", but in reality, neither "I have" nor "I am" really goes well with "bipolar". But that is true of many words and terms that were borne out of the desire to be politically correct - the invented words or word combinations are not particularly mellifluous and often fit poorly into English sentences.

I sometimes prefer the old manic-depression name. Explains right there and then what is going on. Well, maybe not completely, but easier to understand than bi-polar. I thought bi-polar had something to do with electrical wiring before. Little did I know I needed to get a good psychiatrist, and not a good electrician (well, by all means, nothing wrong with the latter eigther!). And a dictionary.

Some interesting perspectives raised so far. I must say that I identify myself as being bipolar, although I only consider my bipolar disorder to be a very small part of myself. But instead of seeing the illness/disorder as only an disadvantage I also see it as a advantage in some ways.

Regarding the question stated in the title of the thread I think the difference is a matter of degree. For example, one might be creative as his/her normal self, but when you have 50 ideas then it definitely is the bipolar disorder speaking.

True, there is a difference between my normal creative self, and the 50 ideas going on when I am on a BP-high. Trouble is, I get so carried away with the 50 amazing ideas that I dont even recognize them as being unrealistic! Two years I made a bed for my son in my "I-am-superwoman!"-stage, so something good came out of it. Took me a year to finish it, for once I changed from super-woman to couch-potato, it was really hard to finish it. Well I did, and it is still standing! For me it is shopping that is the biggest problem when I get into hypomania. On net as well. Maxed out a creditcard two years ago, still payoing that off. Somehow I find it scary that that is an extention of myself, because it is not like me to do things like that. Normally I am a very frugal person, so over-spending is the opposite of my normal self. As well as carpentry!!!

Homeira, this made me laugh. I call myself manic depressive. "Bipolar" conjures up visions of Arctic explorers in fur boots and anoraks.

Darvula

The BP-explorer - visited both north- and south pole. Should be an undertaking by a person with manic-depression...

I am bipolar. My moods are extremeness of how I truly feel even if it is distorted. My brain mouth filter may not be there all the time but what I say, what I do I truly mean, just not as harshly as the things come across.

This question certainly resonated with me. What is me and what is the bipolar? What would I be like If I didn't have bipolar? Would I be more like the manic happy go lucky full of energy person who can conquer the world or would I be quiet and subdued, scared of life? Would I simply be "normal", neither high nor low?

I have concluded that I will never know. I believe I have bipolar, it is not me. It is something that I live with that causes me to act and react in certain ways. If I didn't have bipolar I would act and react differently, in the same way a person with a broken leg would walk different if their leg was not broken.

But as for your question, I know the person I would like to be, but being that person is as much a fantasy as ever win the lotto. Learning to live with or being bipolar is just a fact of life.

Love that you wrote about making that bed. In a hypo state a few months ago I tore down a wall in my kitchen and took off all cabinet doors to refinish them. I now have no doors, a torn down wall, and no motivation to finish the job! No doors makes it so easy to put dishes away and to find things though!