[Darvula]

So stressed out about my parents. Both in their 70s. Mum has schizophrenia/BP. Dad has severe COPD and emphysema. This last year he has been showing increasing signs of dementia. I live a long way from them by choice, as mum's mental illness was untreated until I was 17, and she neglected and abused me all those years. I don't blame her, because I know it was due to her illness, but I still find it very hard to see her and staying with them sinks me into profound, suicidal depressions.

For my own mental health, I restrict visits to them to a maximum of 3 weeks per year. I do speak to mum on Skype every day though, to make sure they are ok. This last few months, she has been so stressed having to care for my father that I think she is going to crack up. I even tried to go and stay with them to help her for a few weeks this summer, but it was a disaster. Sheer hell. She was crazy crazy crazy every day and she wouldn't even let me make him a sandwich. Insisted on doing absolutely everything for him because only she "knew what to do". In the end, my husband forced me to leave them because he thought I was going to do myself in.

So now I'm online to her every day, watching her getting more and more crazy and stressed looking after him, but refusing help. He is in hospital this week, and the social services are offering meals on wheels, help doing the shopping, etc, but she has refused everything. She says she "can't cope with all those people bothering her", but continues to get more and more stressed. It's driving me to distraction. I am their only child and feel compelled to help, even though helping will destroy me mentally and perhaps even physically. Sorry, I just need to vent.

Darvula

[newtothis31]

I'm sorry. Just remember those are your Mom's choices though. Keep us posted on how you're feeling.

[Darvula]

Thanks. Yes, you are right. My friend said to me a while back that I had to remember that she was an adult and she had to make her own choices and I have to stop feeling responsible for everything.

The trouble stems in part from her forcing me to take responsibility for her from when I was small. She told me that I was responsible for her illness, and that meant that I had to look after her. From a very early age, she made me do the cooking, shopping, etc instead of her. She also told me and my father that as we were both responsible for her depression, we had the responsibility of making her happy. Even though I know how unreasonable that all is, I still feel that the most important thing in my life is the responsibility of making my mother happy. As she has never been happy, this has been the major source of my life-long depressions. My parents' current situation is bringing all this to a head.

[Crazy Hitch]

Thank you for sharing you story with us Darvula.

It's a complex situation.

I hear what you're saying about being the only child.

However, right now, you're not in a good place and this situation is simply making your situation worse.

You almost need to separate what's in your best interest right now to the duty you feel towards your parents.

I really think that your focus should be getting better first. You'll find it hard to be there for others, including your husband, when you're being crushed with such a heavy burden yourself.

It's good that you keep contact every day with your mom on skype. But is this good for you?

Are there any traveling nurses or something of the sort who would be able to keep an eye on your parents?

So I'm not saying ignore them but I am suggesting that there should be some kind of balance where you yourself get some respite.

Be well and I hope you find strategies to help you through this situation.

[~Christina]

I agree you need to take care of yourself first.

Maybe Skype today and saw oh Mom I have loads of things to do. I'll skype you on X day. If you are skyping and shes just draining you, set your cell phone alarm that could be a ring tone,, "ring ring " Oh Mom ! sorry I have take this call. Break that stuff up, Everyday is too much.

I hope things settle down and find ways to limit contact with out feeling guilty

[Darvula]

Thanks for the advice and support. I appreciate it. I agree with you the best thing would be to limit contact, and it would certainly be the best thing for me, but today in practice it just wasn't possible. I've just spent the best part of 2 hours on the phone to the hospital and to my mum. A lot has happened today. My mum went to visit dad in hospital, and he was in a very bad mental state, crying and asking for her. He was seen by the mental health people. They also spoke to her. It seems she had told them that she had hit him out of frustration, so of course they have reported that to the social services. Despite this, She came home in a better state than yesterday and spoke to me again on Skype. She wasn't so manic and aggressive. I phoned the hospital, and the nurse told me my dad was much better than my mum had said (she'd told me he was at death's door) but she couldn't tell me what the mental health people had said, because they hadn't left any notes in the file. Typical.

So the current situation is that I'll ring the hospital again tomorrow and find out what is happening and hopefully be able to speak to the mental health people. There's no option to not contact mum - I know it would be best for me to stop for a day or two, but I think it's out of the question. Mental illness is a curse. Man, I have a migraine headache from hell and I've had it all day. I just want to throw up.

Thanks again.

[lacerta]

I have grown up with mom who blamed me for her illness and suicidal thoughts etc. but hey, blaming a child for those things is emotional violence and possible cause of depression. It sounds like you spend a lot of your time for your mom and that's much. I'd be very sick if I had to phone my mom so often as you do. Is she recieving medical help for her "craziness"?

[Darvula]

Hi Lacerta. Thanks. Yes, my mother's illness has completely overshadowed my life - mine and my father's. She is one of the main triggers for my own mental illness, and I am convinced that it has contributed to my dad's mental demise - one of the last rational things he said to me was "Just listen to her ranting; no wonder I'm going f******* crazy!"

She was diagnosed with schizophrenia 30 years ago and went into a clinic for a short time. She was put on anti-psychotics and discharged. She's been on repeat prescriptions for 30 years but has never seen a psychiatrist since in all that time. 30 years of repeat prescriptions of meds without any further psychiatric evaluation. How f***** up is that? She has had to reduce the doseage as the doseage she was on before made her twitch and shake and drool. But this lower dosage means she is still prone to rages and mania though she doesn't get full-on hallucinations and delusions anymore.

[lacerta]

Darvula well, that sounds unbelievable, how can she get drugs without seeing pdoc? Is it possible to talk to her gp or whoever is prescribing her mess that she needs some more appropriate treatment?

[Victoria'smom]

I know this sounds mean but there are nursing homes that allow couples to share a room. You'd probably have to prove she's unable to care for your dad and herself. This may require opening up an adult protective case. It'll cause you a lot of stress to begin with but in the end you know they're getting there meds, eating, have a clean room and are taken care of.

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by lacerta

Darvula well, that sounds unbelievable, how can she get drugs without seeing pdoc? Is it possible to talk to her gp or whoever is prescribing her mess that she needs some more appropriate treatment?

This is possible in the UK. Mental health care is diabolical in my family experience. She claims the doctor told her she was cured, but then I pointed out that if she were cured she wouldn't be on anti-psychotics for 30 years. My relationship with my mother is so volatile that it makes any kind of intervention very difficult.

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I know this sounds mean but there are nursing homes that allow couples to share a room. You'd probably have to prove she's unable to care for your dad and herself. This may require opening up an adult protective case. It'll cause you a lot of stress to begin with but in the end you know they're getting there meds, eating, have a clean room and are taken care of.

My mum is totally able to care for herself and my dad physically. She doesn't do so because of her nerves. I would never open up a case against her - she's my mother. I could never do that. However much she has damaged me or my father, I could never betray her like that. Besides, social services are not my favourite people. They spoke to me the other day about my parents, and they were so cold and clinical that I immediately took a dislike to them. But then, that might be my BP flaring up again. I am in a very suspicious mood these last few days. I feel like social services are evil. They need to be watched. These days I feel far closer to mum in my way of thinking than those f**** at the social services. I have a great distrust of all medics and do-gooders. Tend to think they are charlatans. Quacks. Just having a bit of an episode at the minute. Not so good. No doubt due to the stress.

[newtothis31]

I'm sorry, Darvula. It's very admirable the lengths that you are taking to support your parents- but it does sound like you need to take some time for you. You are a very good daughter.

[Darvula]

Maybe I am just unhealthily obsessed with my own family. But I don't know any other way to be. I am really angry at the moment. Mum Skyped me to tell me that one of the nurses at the hospital has been "abusing" dad. She got to the hospital and found dad upset. He finally told her that one of the nurses had tried to burst this lump he has on the back of his neck. She tried to do it by squeezing it and did it so hard that she left a blister on each side. Mum was furious and confronted the nurse. Go mum! I phoned the hospital and asked dad if he was okay and he told me the same story. I am so angry. That nurse is just lucky I don't live close enough to get over there right now and wait for her outside the hospital with a length of piano wire. Mum and I are now discussing our strategy for dealing with her. See, THIS is why I hate the medical profession. They are EVIL.

Darvula

[marmaduke]

You don't need to care for them any more you have done enough. As the previous poster suggested, how about a care home?
Can I ask you a question, in hind sight do you think it would have saved you if you had been taken into care and adopted? (I work with fostered children)

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

You don't need to care for them any more you have done enough. As the previous poster suggested, how about a care home?
Can I ask you a question, in hind sight do you think it would have saved you if you had been taken into care and adopted? (I work with fostered children)

I don't even know what to say to that. I'm speechless.

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

You don't need to care for them any more you have done enough. As the previous poster suggested, how about a care home?
Can I ask you a question, in hind sight do you think it would have saved you if you had been taken into care and adopted? (I work with fostered children)

My gut reaction to this is horror. I can't imagine having been brought up by anyone else. Even though I have had a rough time, I can't imagine not having been with my parents. I would have been a totally different person. I do like myself as a person, and I wouldn't want to change myself. And your parentage makes you who you are. I don't know how I feel about this.

However, my best friend at school who later in life became a social worker did tell me that by today's standards I would be classified as an abused and neglected child and would have been taken away from them. Whatever my mother has done I still love her because she is my mother. I don't like her, but I love her, if that makes sense.