My Husband Wants To Leave!

Hi everybody, This is my first post. I was diagnosed with BPD2 about 13 years ago. After 4 psychiatrists, plus 2 second opinions, here I am---about the same.

Early on, my first pdoc put me on Lithium and I had problems with it---hair loss, which is pretty unusual.

A couple of weeks ago my present pdoc asked me if I wanted to try Lithium again, since we were at a standstill with other meds. I agreed, figuring "who cares if I lose hair, it's been 13 years and I need something to help me!!!" Long story short, I've been sleeping well, my hair hasn't fallen out; HOWEVER, I cry constantly and apparently I gave my husband a very stern warning as we were going to bed a few nights ago, which I have no memory of. (BTW, I take Xanax in the evening to calm down which helps me sleep.)

It took a couple of days for him to speak to me, and I didn't know why???? I finally got the courage up to ask him (He's the strong, silent type.) what in the world was going on. It took a bit of time, but he told me that I had said the following: He needed to move out because I was sure he was ummmmm "doing" someone. Also, if he tried to take one penny of my money, he would get to meet my lawyer. And if he divorced me because of BiPolar, he would have no sympathy from the judge, as he knew I had BPD when he married me.

I remember none of this, but that is no excuse.

When we had the daylight conversation, he did tell me he had been looking for places to move, and that he couldn't take any more of my illness, especially when I get nasty, accuse him of things, start talking about "my" money, etc.

My question for all of you is this: I might have some kind of episode twice a year, depending upon what my medication "cocktail" is. I can't tell you how utterly exhausted I am from this illness. I feel, though, that if my husband leaves me, how does that make him any different from someone who is married and their wife loses her legs in an auto accident, or has a brain tumor, or has MS or Parkinson's where he has to help me with mobility issues. These are all things that would change his life. And I'm sure he wouldn't leave me with those afflictions.

At first, I just apologized profusely, saying I won't do it again, but, honestly, I don't have control over what I do when I am on a new med. I explained that what was said didn't really come out of "my" mouth, although that seems weird. I'm very sensitive to meds, and if there's a side effect to be had, I'll get it.

My husband is a very generous and responsible husband, and I understand his frustration. I don't want to lose him.

What are your thoughts? Is he treating my mental disorder differently than a physical one? What can I say to him to help him understand that that wasn't really "me" acting out that night? He's read quite a bit on BPD, but, of course, nobody knows what it's like in the darkness until they've been there.

We've been married 10 years, 2nd marriage for both, and are empty nesters. When things are good, they are fantastic----we love to travel, hike in the mountains, movies, dining out, same tastes in music and politics---totally compatible in all ways. Just this damned illness I've been battling.

I would appreciate any advice, comments, etc. that you have. My skin is thick by this time, so don't hold back.

Many thanks for any help you can provide.

Do you have Bipolar II (BPII) or Borderline personality disorder (BPD) or both???

Have you and your husband done couples therapy ? To help keep communication open? Has your husband seen a therapist on his own to learn about how he can and cant help you with your illness ? and so he can learn ways to keep himself "mentally healthy" ?

Yes Episodes can and will pop up at times and if on meds there can be changes and dose ups and downs.... Side effects happen.

Does he know when your in a bad place? Is he aware of any med changes when they happen? Basically is he in the loop ? In general does Bipolar take up alot of space in your marriage and home ?

I tend to keep my symptoms hidden well so often my husband isnt aware of just how bad I can be unless I verbally sit down and tell him. I do talk to my husband about my Bipolar some , but not often, People can't really "get " Bipolar and whats its like if they don't have it. I talk to my BP friends and T more about what struggle or whatnot I am going through rather than laying it all out for my husband to have to think and or stress over.

Yes people take vows " for better for worse" , but I do feel the reality is that sometimes the partner that has a spouse/partner with an mental illness or a physical illness can just get burned out and will bow out.

This is exactly why our spouses or partners really need to take care of themselves often before they can even attempt to offer help to us.

Yes I have Bipolar, but I am still responsible for my actions and behavior .. Yeah I have lost it a few times outta the blue, didn't see it coming, so of course my hubby was startled and I have said things or been rude and not aware of it, I do always make amends of course.

Anyway , that is just my thoughts and what I have learned to manage my life and marriage living with bpolar.

Welcome to PC You will find lots of support here and advice that may or may not be helpful for your personal situation.

Hi BPD

Nice to meet you.

I see on your profile that you have listed bipolar (BP) as your primary concern.

I did not see borderline personality disorder (BPD) as being one of your concerns?

Episodes that we go through with bipolar (bp) certainly take their toll on our loved ones and significant others. It can be hard for them to understand. Your metaphoric comparison is good. Yes, people can understand if we have a broken leg. They see us with crutches and a cast on our leg.

Mental health issues are a little different to digest. It infuses into other people's emotions. And there's only so much our significant others can do to help us.

I too have said some things during an episode that I don't have much recollection of. I'm aware that I've said them because people tell me about it afterwards.

So has your husband outright stated that he wants to leave? I know you were saying things that you don't remember but what was his response?

I have pure respect for you Christina and everyone's marriage works differently. I don't tell my husband every tiny detail, but I don't hide all of my symptoms. I already have to be fake at work, I don't want to have to be at home. I'm not saying I just let my emotions go and if I feel like being you know what I allow it, no way. I'm not saying though that I don't flip for a second and saying something regretful, but of course apologizing after, I'm not perfect. I try not to bombard him. Him understanding my illness has helped me because sometimes I won't realize that an episode is coming on and he might point something out, and then I start to pay attention. He also goes to my pdoc appointments. First, he is a second pair of ears for me. My pdoc also asks him questions about me as well, which I feel is helpful in my treatment. My husband suffers from severe Crohn's Disease, so we have to be there for each other, in sickness and in health, right?

I do agree with Christina on several points she made though. Communication is key. I think education is also important. Also, there is going to be those times when this disease is not just overwhelming for us, but also for our spouse, which they will not always say. They need to have an out, like some kind of hobby that is a stress reliever just like we do. I find that to be important. This is how we do it, and believe me it has been a ride, but you learn and you don't give up. I hope others can provide you with some advice.

As someone who has been on your end of the rope for somewhat similar circumstances I will be sorry to have to say I'm sorry. We have 3 young kids and me and my wife separated over a month ago. Me my wife and our 6 year old as well now are seeing a therapist on a normal bases as this is all taken care of. I'm living at my parents and am commuting now an hour to and from work. This whole situation has been mighty painful. Fortunately 3 people are very tied in with this separation to help us work this mess out.. But yes generally my wife is flat exhausted from me.. Between bipolar and dissociative disorder has just caught up with us.. I don't blame her but I've asked similar questions... I can't help all of this. As a man that makes me feel weak to say.. But I am just unable to in spots... The cruel fact of the matter is. An episode WILL happen again... It's just how we deal with it.. I'm not sure what I can tell you but I be willing to help you cope considering I'm dealing with similar situation right now that has already resulted in separation for me. Msg me if you want

This is the time you need act quickly to repair things start Partial hospitalization program, get him a therapist and get a couples therapist. you need stability and to show him you are doing everything to repair and stabilize yourself. There is a reason why you said and felt this way.

I'm sure he wouldn't leave me with those afflictions. That is not true in a lot of cases. He may not have even looked your direction due to a physical impairment.

I do not understand how not remembering is no excuse. If you dissociated or had a memory lapse due to a bipolar episode, you need to consistently tell that you do not remember. No apologies, profuse or otherwise. Of course, get him involved in your treatment plan and show your best efforts towards preventing episodes, but do not apologize - apologizing confuses him even further. You need to be very forthright and consistent. What you can offer in an effort to show him how much you value the relationship is recording. Next time you start such a conversation, have him record you and play back when you are at your normal self. Then you can listen to it together and he would see by your genuine reaction that you are listening to this stuff for the first time because you honestly do not remember saying those things.

Thank you for all your responses. To clarify, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II. I have been on pretty much every combination of meds that have been suggested to me. I really can't imagine what my husband (who has never been exposed to any sort of mental illness----lucky guy) is going through.

Loophole--my heart breaks for you and your family. I've already lost one husband due to his inability to tolerate the effects of my illness, as well as the drugs that supposedly help me.

My husband and I have been talking, with me trying to explain that when I have an episode, it's really not "me". The idea of going to therapy together is great--thank you. And hamster, you're right. I shouldn't treat "not remembering" as a character flaw. I am one of those people who tend to jump in first to take the blame, and I need to stop it. I didn't sign up for this stuff, and God knows I've been working as hard as I can to control it. It never occurred to me to record myself----I'm not sure I want to hear what comes out of my mouth. But it sure would be a wakeup call for me.

Are these episodes fairly common when on a new med? I know Xanax, which is a staple in my cocktail for anxiety, causes memory loss. Has anyone had a really bad side effect with Lithium? It seems like everyone with Bipolar is on it, but it really does a number on me.

Thanks again for everyone's input!

Trippin 2.0 on here had horrible and in part irreversible cognitive damage due to Lithium. Such damage is rare, though. I am on Lithium and while I suffer from thyroid dysfunction, which is a typical side effect of Lithium, I do not suffer cognitive side effects. But you had hair loss on Lithium, which is unusual. Hair loss on Depakote is common, and on Geodon to a lesser extent, but on Lithium, it is uncommon. Since you already "drew" the unlucky card of hair loss on Lithium, maybe now you are drawing the unlucky memory loss card as well? Maybe you have a propensity to unusual side effects, which is not going to make life any easier, of course, but if your H realizes that you are suffering from a memory loss as a result of treatment, he would not take your words seriously.

hi nice lady

to help u out .......odds are your husband has seen the movies where guys get really drunk and something happens next day no clue about half the night (odds are he has done this at some point in life himself)

it is the same thing except pill induced by the doctors cocktail ...........if that keeps happending take a trip to the hospital and stay in for a few day they will get a blood drawl on u seeing what is going on at that time .........getting u to the happy balance point quicker

as for lithium BAD STUFF ......i mean bad bad stuff ....like hamster said but he/she forgot about the fact it does massive damage to kidneys/liver as they increase the dosing u will be forced for weekly blood drawl to check your functions

i am only saying this because u have tried alot of things and moving to the heavy hitters
this stuff is natural .........it has no High effect only the medical effects of CBDs
http://www.amazon.com/Hempotions-Can.../dp/B00KH2OBAQ

here is something to use with it
Amazon.com: Nature's Bounty St. John's Wort, Double Strength, 300mg, 100 Capsules (Pack of 2): Health & Personal Care

both are natural and will not have any effect on any drug that the drugs give u (atleast never in me)

try those 2 plus a Valium low str ..........talk to your doctor about it

When was the last time you did a drug detox ? As in drop the meds , give your body a few weeks to just get a break from chemical soup ? The start over with meds adding just one at a time, watch for side effects, Often layer after layer of meds are tried and moved up and down .. your brains is often over soaked with a mixture of stuff , its gonna come off the rails.

Make a action plan with your husband that if your having a rough time that he can and should just go do something away from you if your losing your Shyt.

Even without Bipolar people blow up and say god knows what, My husband often comes home from work and blows up ,, work caused it , same as Bipolar can cause yours. Bipolar is like a fulltime job with never ending overtime.

He need a Therapist , you need one and a Couples therapist until you can both work out how to deal with issues that are going to happen.

Look deep into your medications... That might be a big factor.

I read your post yesterday, and I recognize some of my own behaviour towards people close to me. I almost lost one of my best and oldest friends because of my really irrational behaviour. He was exhausted. And I was heartbroken and terrified that I had lost my best friend. I did not lose my friend, but it took some time for him to regroup. And I had to let go of my anger and bitterness at him for what I then saw as having abandoned me. In the end we both learned a lot though. I hope you and your husband find a way through this. It does not have to mean the end of your marriage. I think he is exhausted and needs some help to cope himself.