Therapists always bring up my mom, sick of it...

I started seeing this T about just over a year ago. At first everything was great because he suffers from OCD like I do. When he would talk about his experiences I was in awe, it was just like my story, just like it has been when I connected here at PC with you guys. Well after awhile it was difficult because he only specializes in anxiety disorders, knows very little about BP, I don’t think he has ever had a relationship, so talking about marital issues was out of the question. Well I ended therapy probably about two months ago. My reason was we got to talking about my relationship with my mother.
Let’s just say, I literally cannot stand my mother. She lives five minutes away from me and I maybe see her six to ten times a year. She is a major trigger for me. Within minutes I am pissed off. How do I put it, she lacks “the mother gene” is what I call it. To name a few examples. My parents are workaholics so I basically raised my little sister. I asked my mother once why she had us and she replied “well that was the thing to do back then.” I asked her why she wasn’t there for me when I was going thru hell as a teen with the misdiagnosed BP and the OCD, and she replied, “I was, I drove you to therapy.” So you can only imagine what she thinks about MI. My sister has some problems as well, thank God not what I have, but she has suffered. When she was a teenager she was having suicidal thoughts and she asked my mother if she could go to a therapist, my mom replied “all teenagers go thru this, you don’t need to see a therapist.” I’ve taken care of my sister and helped her thru these tough times, put a roof over her head for years to help her get thru college, anything to keep her away from her. I did all of this while fighting my own demons, when I should have had a mother to be there. So basically I hate her. This is horrible to say, life would be easier if she was gone. The only reason I visit is I feel bad for my dad.
So, I’ve done therapy on and off for the past twenty years, and it always comes back to my mom. I know I can’t change her, I don’t want to be around her, she’s selfish, a hoarder and depressed that won’t admit that she has problems or that she has done anything wrong in her life. I have even apologized over and over thru the years about the things I did as a teen. I was diagnosed as having depression and they kept putting me on SSRIs which I was constantly manic, so constant rages.
Basically I’m done with her, so why keep bringing it up in therapy? I want to focus on me and coping skills. Why ask me what my goals are in therapy if you are just going to dwell on my ***** of a mother who destroyed my childhood that I have tried to block out?
So why I’m writing about this is because I can’t stop thinking about it because my husband brought it up, saying I need to get back into therapy because he knows my mind is racing 24/7 and he knows I’m not happy. He then says that I need to talk about my mom, that my childhood and her has to do with my illnesses? What? Is he right? I’m trying to avoid one of the biggest triggers for me.
Sorry this is so long.

I think some work on your mom may be a good idea. just reading your post I see red flags of undealt with issues. you quit therapy because you started talking about your mom. I sense a lot a anger and resentment toward your mom. I believe ocd is about having control in your life, something you didn't have because of your mom. I get not wanting to deal with a bad parent, I disowned my own. he was the source of my trauma. as yours is. but I confronted him about it when I did so. I spoke my piece. I think you need to at least deal with your feelings of anger and let go to fully let go of your mother. my father doesn't trigger me anymore. you need to get to that point with your mom.

I have confronted her so many times and she just doesn't get it. She has never once said sorry to anyone in her life. I have been blamed for everything that happened, like my parents almost divorcing, my sister acting out, etc. when I talk to her it's like a deer in headlights. I did end up not talking to them for three years a few years ago but felt bad for my dad, and my sister was stuck in the middle, so I gave in and now I'm back to where I was.

I worry that my son will view me like you view your mom. I don't have a "mother gene". I think coping skills ,will come as soon as you figure out what exactly triggers you. Is it her voice? Is it been in the same room as her? Is it the house? Yes, you may have to talk about her to find out what exactly about her/home triggers you to learn coping skills.
You're able to tell T you're "off limits" topics.

It is not about them getting it and it is not about receiving an apology. It is not about blame.it is about releasing your pain and letting go.I sent my dad a 10 page letter telling him all the ways I was hurt and how that has impacted my life today.I then told him that I was no longer going to play the role of good daughter and I was out of his life for good. When I stepped out of that role of trying to please him I finally started to heal. He didn't get it he didn't apologize but he doesn't matter to me anymore. He has no power over me anymore.

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Sounds like your dad is just like my mom, no apology, not having a clue as to what they did. I did the letter thing when I disowned them for three years. I just can't disown because of my dad. I feel so bad for him, yet I'm angry at him as well. My mom controls him. He never stuck up for me. He came from a family where mom was in control, no hugs, no emotions, so I feel bad for him. He avoids talking about anything, switches subjects. I'm so scared to cut ties and then I get a call that he's dead. He is also starting to show signs of Alzheimer's. I just go back and forth with this. Sorry I'm rambling, it's all up to me.

That is why therapy is important for you. So you can work through these issues so you're not going back-and-forth about it and creating all this anxiety and your life. Are you able to bring your dad out places so you can still see him without having to deal with your mother?

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As soon as I hear her voice I tense up. You walk into the house, a hoarders house, that just intensifies everything, she will always say sorry for the mess I've been sorting thru things. She is a hypochondriac also. I've been putting off calling her about Xmas plans because she will go on about something. So I know the triggers, that's why I just avoid her all together, isn't that a coping skill? Lol

I quit therapy because, like you, i found the therapist wanted to work on goals SHE had for me -- not the goals *I* set. And, of course, the thing she wanted to work on was that i'm fat. So original.

I think if you've worked and worked on an issue and decided it's futile, people should respect that. It doesn't sound like your mom is gonna change and that you've made a good effort to improve things without success. Limiting your exposure to her sounds like a good strategy to me.

I agree with all this. My mom caused me to have these weird feelings, like I could never get out from under her wings. Probably doesn't make sense. I don't feel like going all into my mom right now. Then you can see my POST TITLE HERE - Do your children resent you? Sad to say my daughter did and does. She may be getting a bit better, but still. I caused it to roll over onto her. Yes I think you need to close some chapters and talk about your mom to a psychologist.

I appreciate all of the advice. I have a question.

Does she really have anything to do with my illness?

Lots to say about this but it's a bit triggering for me so I'll just shaddap and subscribe to this thread.

I'm sorry for your pain BlackSheep79.

no it not a coping skill ..........it will lead to regret when she dies

ok doctors are like dogs with a bone once they get a idea in there head they got to crack it open and get the stuff in the middle out

the only way to stop this is something i picked up .............before u start that talk time
tell the doctor ok we are going to do the mom thing here are the rules
1 for ever how long we do this i want time credited to me ....when we get to the end of this rabbit hole and nothing changes the money i spent on the waste of time this is will be applied to area i wanted to work in

if this is not agreeable to u then stop bring up the mother thing because it is low on the list for me and i only have so many dimes ........otherwise i can leave u and go to another willing to help me on what i ask (every doctor is different methods and way of looking at things ....but if enough of the random ppl repeat the same idea might have some truth in it worth looking for )

At a certain point we have to stand back and see our parents as people. They are not perfect, they have many imperfections. Just like us. It is shytty that your mom could not parent you the way you desired. I left home at 17 due to a dysfunctional home situation in which my mother was abused and did not stick up for herself. She did not help me when I was severely suicidal and knew about it. When she was told by the doctor that he knew I was in an abusive home at age 16 but almost at an age to move out. She did nothing. All kinds of stuff happened. But anyway, the point is, at some point you may consider stepping back and looking at your mom as having done the best she could under the circumstances. And finding ways to make your life fulfilling and nourishing to you now, in ways she cannot. I say this with a gentle hug and a warm heart. Only you can ultimately decide how you want to let her into your life right now, but know that just because she was not there for you in all the ways you needed does not mean you cannot create a rich and fulfilling life for yourself now.

I hope this post doesn't come across the wrong way. Triggering topic for me, is all. Sorry.

I'm sorry that this is a triggering topic for you, I hope you are doing alright. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your advice.

Wow. I think you need to go back to therapy and talk about your mother. While you may not be able to confront her, that really isn't the issue. If you can't have the issue of your mother brought up without going into a rage and having your body convulse, then I don't think your method of choice in dealing with her has been effective. I have a very ineffective mother that thinks only of herself and in my deepest hour of need always manages to put the conversation back on her in the blink of an eye. Infuriating. I talked about it with my therapist, I can now smile and laugh on the inside and no longer take it as a personal assault. It is much better for me to be able to do that. I wish she wouldn't, but I can't change that.

Talk it out. Go back to therapy and finally finish therapy. Better yet, don't stop. With your history it sounds like you might need to go for a while.