Reaching Out. Depressed. Not sure how to manage work schedule.

Hello all,

I am new to this, but really hoping to find some support and similar stories to mine to keep me motivated to live.
I am 26, bipolar 1 and am having my first depressive episode after I was hospitalized for mania for a second time in July.

I need advice on how to deal with an irregular schedule at work. I am feeling really hopeless and suicidal with my current life situation. I have a job that pays well that is boring and unfulfilling, but stable. I had been working a 9pm to 5:30pm schedule and now work 4 days a week 1pm to 11pm. Eventually I am supposed to go to 11pm to 9am, third shift. I know I can't do this with my illness and agreed to it not thinking during a time of increasing mania. After 3 weeks of working at my current job I was hospitalized with mania for 3 weeks. My company has been extremely accommodating to me, and yet I don't know if I will be able to at least keep my second shift schedule. And it has been made pretty clear I can't go back to first shift. I have tried to make it clear to them that 3rd shif isn't an option even though I originally agreed to it, but haven't heard a verdict yet about what will happen. I believe my boss wants me to go to third shift at the beginning of the year.

I have been in a tailspin since my schedule changed and now can only think of getting back to a normal business hour work schedule. I have to keep working to have some sort of income and because I can't have another job loss on my resume. I don't know how I am going to make it everyday and feel like I have lost everything. My life looks nothing like it used to. I used to be successful.

I am looking for new jobs, but worry with my job history that it will be impossible. I have had three jobs where I liked the work, graphic design/marketing, and I want to get back to it. My current career is in file preparation in printing. I was fired from two of my positions, although one is easier to explain on job interviews as it was a contract position. I hate myself for mismanaging my bipolar at the time and being aggressive, unmedicated and manic. I had an attitude problem and didn't take my job or my illness seriously. I focused and relied entirely on a dead-end relationship when I should have been focusing on work and a routine. I beat myself up over this loss every miserable second. I have learned my lesson, but much too late.

I also worry my depression is so bad that even if I get a new job I won't be able to sustain it like I used to. I feel I have severe memory problems right now and wouldn't be able to be under scrutiny and do well in a multi-tasking more stressful job. I feel like I forget everything 30 seconds after it happened. I feel so boring and uninteresting because I no longer enjoy any movies, books, or hobbies and can't remember anything enough to participate in conversations. I feel like I am just surviving and many days it doesn't seem worth it. I try not to be negative and compare myself to others but I feel negative thoughts invading and weighing down my brain from the moment my eyes begrudgingly open.

I feel that with my current schedule it's hopeless and I will stay in my depression. When I was training 9 to 5:30 I had started to pull out of it. I had a healthy routine where I made food, went to yoga everyday, went to bed at the same time. Now I am supposed to do those things in the morning when my depression is worst and it's hard to get out of bed.

I feel like my schedule is the end of the world.

I guess I am just looking for a sympathetic ear. I feel like bipolar is a curse that has taken everything from me. I try to feel grateful, but I only feel depression and extreme loss.

I can kind of relate. I work second shift. I get home at 11 pm, meds kick in at 1 am, I sleep until 11 am. I roll out of bed like a zombie from the meds that I have no choice but to be on. I have my caffeine jump in the shower, go to work and do it all over again. Here comes the kicker, my department is talking about pushing our hours back, so like a second/third split kind of thing. That ain't gonna work for BP me. I can't sleep 5 days at this time and 2 days at this time. If this happens I will see what I can do with the lady that handles FMLA and restrictions, etc. at HR because this will disrupt the schedule I have and can cause me to swing. So anyways I get where you are coming from, our life revolves around this illness in a sense, like work schedules.

I understand the memory issue, believe me you are not alone on this, several of us have this issue. Is it the meds, the disease, both? I don't know? All I know is I have two college degrees, use to have a photographic memory and depending on how I am doing, sometimes I can barely get a simple sentence out.

This is just a suggestion. See what you can do for now at your current job, as far as your schedule. Could you get something from your doctor stating you need to at the least stay on second shift? In the mean time, you say you are depressed, is it because of the situation or do you need some tweaking of your meds? Maybe talking to a therapist? I see you do yoga. Keep doing it, even on this second shift when you feel like crap in the morning. Piano is my thing. I know what you are talking about in the morning, I have been forcing myself to play, even if it is for ten minutes. Believe me it works. I hope this helps, I just want you to know we're in the same boat. Also, don't feel bad, this disease does feel like a curse at times. You are allowed to ***** about it. What I liked is you said you try to feel grateful, that is key in living everyday. I say it everyday when I wake up, it keeps me going, and it sounds like it does for you too.

And I forgot to say, don't stop looking for a job in graphic design/marketing, do what makes you happy.

Basically in the same boat except I'm not straight up depressed all the time, I'm cycling much faster... So I understand what you're going through. This is the first time in over 5 years I'm not working steady 9-5 hours and its thrown me off kilter.


First time I was medicated, and honestly, it wasn't any easier than it is now. In fact I now have an advantage because I don't feel like a block of cement at work after taking my meds.

Also I have acquired alot of coping skills since back then, so doubt I would throw staplers at anybody this time around, or have major tirades and storm off home, only to sheepishly return a few days later...


I can't quit either, even though my T has suggested it multiple times, it's festive / birthday / new school year season and I'm a single mother, no....quitting does not work for me.


I can rethink my job situation after January, but for now I'm stuck.


My manager has been a peach though, she only scheduled 3 11pm shifts and has encouraged me to let her know when my bipolar shyt is hitting the fan, because she really doesn't want me to quit.


Sorry I have no advice, I can only commiserate....


I try and stay sane by embracing my R&R time and like you, I try to remain grateful.


I'm really sorry you're going through this bullshyt, its no walk in the park. That's for damn sure, more like a walk through the jungle...

I know I'm supposed to say something really supportive and helpful, but I'm not there yet, and I'm sorry for that.

Do you ever feel like we're just ****ed for life? Like maybe not everyone is supposed to be happy. Like in order for someone to be happy, another person on earth has to be really, really unhappy. And maybe that's just us. Maybe we're just never going to have fulfilling lives and families and careers. And our sadness is just going to eat away at every corner of our existence?

That's how I feel. I understand. I just found a new job and tomorrow my training starts. But I haven't left my room the last three days, and I haven't slept. I probably won't come in to work. I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

I, too, am struggling greatly with maintaining a functional level at work...and I have a day job. I am an accountant so it really affects me when I can't focus or concentrate. Anyway, the one piece of information that I can provide is that BD is a "legally protected disability" meaning your employer must make reasonable effort to accommodate your disability. That means you have to be willing to let your employer know that you have the disorder; but, it also means you should be able to expect at least some considerations that make the workplace easier for you.

It is helpful to know that someone can relate to working second shift!
And I know how difficult it is to have a different sleep/work schedule for half the week. My HR department has been accommodating when I was hospitalized, so I am hoping that will continue. They are aware of my concerns, but I haven't heard a verdict yet. The beginning of the year is when there will be talk of third shift. I am thankful for everyone's mention of our disability being legally covered.

I am on meds morning and night too. I am not sure if they are the right ones, because I can't really tell what's medicine, what's life, what's bipolar. I am not sure how to gauge if they are working or not. I feel you. The memory impairment I believe contributes in large part to the depression. I have a college degree, used to volunteer at social clubs and a crisis line, go to work, cook gourmet meals, have tons of interests and now I can't imagine doing any of them. I feel like I am no longer capable of being an interesting person because I can't even watch TV shows or read books. And if I do, nothing sticks. I used to be a conversationalist and now I flounder in small talk.

I am going to keep at my job, one day at a time, because I know it will be much worse without one. I will ask my Doctor if there is anything they can write for me. I am hoping that I will at least be able to stay on second shift.
I see a therapist every few weeks. I did yoga this morning and am going to try really hard to sleep midnight to 8am on work days. Wake up and exercise, eat and get ready for the day. I do notice an improvement when I can force myself to exercise/do yoga. It's so hard, but I know I can at least make second shift work better with more time.

Your message really did help. I just wanted at least one other person in the same boat to listen. And just like with anything, with practice I am slowly becoming a little better at gratitude. Thank you for responding!

Thank you for your commiseration. It helps to know that other people with bipolar have experienced a schedule change throwing them off kilter.

Coping skills during my days off really are key to having fewer black days.
Also exercising before going in to work so my anxiety isn't quite as rampant.

I have been applying for other jobs and will stick through this one until the right opportunity pops up. I just hope it is soon.

Like you, the best thing I can do is rethink my job situation after January. I am glad your manager is being at least somewhat understanding too.

Maybe we will all make it through the jungle. I just hope there is a park on the other side.

It is helpful and supportive to know you are there, and like me you aren't there yet.

I do feel often that my future is bleak (****ed for life). In support groups, I see people who have struggled for their entire lives and it makes me wonder if it is really possible to be a success story. It makes me wonder if I can succeed and not just survive. I feel like I have botched my career. I know I will never have children. I don't know if I will find a sustainable relationship and not just have a string of boyfriends. A small consolation is that everyone says I am still young. Sometimes I say I will give myself 10 years. And if things haven't improved I will call it quits. What keeps me alive is mostly that my family and the people around me insist I keep living and trying. I have to remind myself that I have only struggled with depression severely for a few months. It seems endless and cruel, but I need to tell myself I will be a success story. I need to somehow break through it...like Abraham Lincoln..I have to stop rolling my eyes at all the cliche things I have to trick my brain with...and try not to burden myself with the science that insinuates my motivation and happiness centers are shriveled up and pathetic things. It hurts to look at others who only years ago before I had my first manic episode were my peers. I had to move away from a city I love and back home to a small city with few opportunities so my parents could take care of me when it happened. Now I feel stuck here, but I imagine a life where I break free.
I have a small group of friends and family that truly love me and that has to be enough. I am hoping this makes me stronger. If I live through it I will.
It's hard to believe but we have to.

You are starting a brand new job. I hope you went to your training. At least a job gives you one thing a day you can say you did. It sucks that small things feel so impossible, but they aren't. People with depression like us are everywhere, making it through their days. Everyday you can fight. Some days are a little less difficult than others, so maybe there will be a day that breaks through and feels more livable.

Let's try together not to give up completely.

I feel for you. It must be a challenge to maintain an accounting position with such detailed work.

I didn't realize that BP is a "legally protected disability". I will be able to mention this to my employer, who do know about my Bipolar, and hopefully a second shift schedule falls into the "reasonable accommodations" category.

I hope you are able to get your focus and concentration to improve. I wonder myself if the right combination of habits, lifestyle, coping skills and meds can somehow fix it.

Sorry for you and hope it all gets better. When I was twenty something, I had a night time job. Thought my shift was over at 8:00 am. Thinking 8 hrs, not 10 hrs. I soon hated the hrs. When I woke up in the morning, guessing maybe around 4 or 5, I don't remember for sure. Then I'd got out, maybe party with the guys, then soon I had to be back at work. It felt like I got off, and went to work the very same day. There were dangerous machines at the plywood mfg plant. One guy was sweeping under this big pulley next to the roller the wide belt road on. Got his arm in the big pulley and was eating up in a terrible way. I didn't have to see it, but the plant did not stop except at the death location in order to clean up. They, in my opinion, could care less.

I hope you can get the third shift taken off. When I was pregnant with my oldest I worked Midnight-8am Monday-Friday. I went to school full-time in the evenings. I was extremely manic the whole time. It was a nightmare.

My pdoc now says that I cannot work the overnight shift no matter what. I work in an industry that needs 24 hour coverage but I told my boss that I cannot work the 10pm-6am shift. He doesn't know about my bipolar but he has been very accommodating and only scheduled me on the 2p-10p shift which I really like.

I hope you get good news and don't have to go to third shift. For me, I find those hours triggering.