[Becoming]

Hi everyone,

I started to think of all the things I am paranoid about. Needless, to say there is a lot, but it's really late here (2:18am EST) so I'm not going to list everything. Can get more in depth later.

Here are my problems and I would love some input or advice on them:

I cannot leave my building without thinking my ex is going to randomly show up or that every car must be her following me. [Gotta be partially because the ex before her did that]. I know it’s irrational but it feels so real and it happens every single day.

Pretty certain my ex must talk about me and bad mouth me, but have know way of really knowing. I assume our mutual friends are going to turn on me because she does this (even though, again, I have no way of knowing if she actually does).

I think probably my friends talk about me and bad mouth me behind my back as well.

I don’t like people walking behind me. Even in broad daylight I think they are going to attack/assault me. Sometimes shadows or footsteps behind me scare me. (To clarify, I have never been assaulted in any sort of physical or verbal manner when in public so there isn't any trauma that I'm aware of).

I have disorganized thoughts (flighting or unable to catch them; frantic about what I should or should not do)

The thoughts you see above are probably unrealistic though I do not often feel like it/recognize it (even writing it it's hard to come 100% to terms with reality). In example, sometimes I still think I have a girlfriend and she’s still suppose to come visit me. Sometimes I can’t fully register she’s actually gone and that certain events really did take place. Moreover, she has been gone for three months. (Break up, but she might as well be dead cause that is what a breakup feels like to me when all contact is cut off forever).

Daily activities are hard to manage because I stop caring about myself very much. Don’t want to sleep, but don’t want to wake up. Don’t want to eat much, but then later binge eat. I will be thirsty, but do not drink anything. Sometimes I spend hours at a time in front of my computer screen and I might want to move to get something or go somewhere, but cannot make myself do so and just figure "oh well, this is what I really want to do I guess."

I assume my friends and family are tired of me and think I am a burden. Sometimes if they do not respond right away, I especially think this and assume they are purposely ignoring me because they're sick of me.

---
These are just some things going through my head. I not only wanted to vent, because I feel crazy and that nobody else could understand or listen, but to get some tips or some sort of insight on these sorts of thoughts.

Thanks,
Rachael

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi Rachel

I am sorry you are going through this.

It's understandable you'd think your ex is following you around. This has happened before.

If your ex is bad mouthing you, so be it. That's not something you will have control of. You can't be responsible for what comes out of her mouth. If I had a dollar for every time someone bad mouthed me ... I'd never have to work again . I take it as what others say about me is not my business.

"Mutual friends". I've learnt the hard way I'd rather have that one true friend than a hundred fake ones. If some friends do turn away, they were never your friends in the first place.

You're not in a good place right now. You're not a burden and I don't think people ignore you because they are sick of you. I think you just think this way right now because of your overall frame of mind.

Wishing you a smooth transition on your journey to recovery.

May you find some peace.

[Justugh]

hey

1 your not a burden on family and friends .........one family is family no one has a choice in family except adopted kids....and friends are just that ppl that made a choice to have u in their life
2 about friends talking smack behide your back .........do they do that with u about other ppl if odds yes but that is buddies razzing each other so no big thing .....rem they picked to be friends with u
3 as for a stalker GF this is a real simple fear to put to rest ........pay attention to the cars if u notice one alot rem the plate number and then the next day u are out look for it ........if it is a stalker this will repeat more then just someone in same area ........so u know and if it does not then u know that too
4 ex talking smack .....this all depends on what happen and who she is .......the odds of her doing are 50/50 to start with it all depends .........but this is life if u date someone and it goes wrong they might talk smack to hurt u so the pain they feel is even
5 i do not like ppl behide me too when i eat out i always have my back to the wall ......that is something u need to talk with a doctor about it is a sign of anxiety ( your waiting for the other bad shoe to drop in life)
6 the thoughts are part of bi polar

u sound like u need a night out ........call your buddies ask if they want to go out and do something fun bar/poolhall/poker night something u guys like and enjoy

then get them drunk and ask what ever u want drunk guy talk is drunk guy talk issues get work out everyone is honest and the next more do not feel weird because u were that drunk .....just watch out for any gay ones that might have secret crush on u that move normally ends the friendship

[Imah]

Hi there,

I came to psych central tonight because I am feeling a bit paranoid, and find that a few others are as well. So firstly, you are not alone.

I enjoy having added psych central to my list of things I can do for myself when things are not going smoothly for me. The darkest times are during my depressions and paranoia

My opinions are- the best way to monitor ourselves is following a schedule. (very hard for me) meds on time, diet , excersize, sleep - I chart , I made a list of the things that are my most common symtoms sideways on a dollar store notebook. the list is up and down on the left, with each little blue line being a new day. I put a scale of 1=10. Charting is soooo easy. All the years they told us to journal and I never did, but starting a chart has been insightful, and also helps me feel like I am taking better care of myself.

I found that there are phases to me, that I can begin to almost guess.

What you are doing- the recognizing of doing abnormal things, like being afraid to move - sooo understandable. but do you give yourself credit for the recognition? Your doing it! Yay, you are spotting what behaviours might be caused by your illness, and since you are dissatisfied with it, you will eventually work on a change.

So thats great.

I hope you and I both continue coming to psych central when we need to reach out. Remember, any and every small thing you do, even as small as recognizing something - is a great step.

<3 best of luck to us all!! (screw it, i am not going back to check for grammatical errors)

Edit addition: for example, its like 2 hours later and my unreasonable fear (paranoia) is so bad that I cant walk around the house to get my meds. I recognized this, thought of you, and after I type this I am - AM - going to walk into the next room and get my meds I am a couple hours late for. It can feel like a debilitating illness,but each small step we take we have to praise ourselves for. Its the only way to keep going for me some days.

[Mrs. Mania]

Sorry that you're feeling so paranoid. I've been told by a few people that I'm the most paranoid person they know. I think EVERYONE is working against me. I recently started sharing my thoughts with my husband and he is always like, wow, that's so far off. It must suck to think like that. It has helped me tremendously. Maybe find someone who you trust to bounce questionable thoughts off of. Good luck, you have my sympathy, it does suck to feel this way.

I have that same fear that i will run into my x. I have it when i go into malls, escpecially the one in his end of town. I keep rehearsing what i will say. It's such a waste of time but it's been nearly 30 years since i've seen him and i guess it's not going away any time soon. Take care!

[wiretwister]

My t said I was paranoid but I do not see it...but then she was out to get me..always was.

[prepsychmel]

I"m so sorry that you are going through this. Sending prayers and best wishes your way.

[Becoming]

Originally Posted by Justugh

hey

1 your not a burden on family and friends .........one family is family no one has a choice in family except adopted kids....and friends are just that ppl that made a choice to have u in their life
2 about friends talking smack behide your back .........do they do that with u about other ppl if odds yes but that is buddies razzing each other so no big thing .....rem they picked to be friends with u
3 as for a stalker GF this is a real simple fear to put to rest ........pay attention to the cars if u notice one alot rem the plate number and then the next day u are out look for it ........if it is a stalker this will repeat more then just someone in same area ........so u know and if it does not then u know that too
4 ex talking smack .....this all depends on what happen and who she is .......the odds of her doing are 50/50 to start with it all depends .........but this is life if u date someone and it goes wrong they might talk smack to hurt u so the pain they feel is even
5 i do not like ppl behide me too when i eat out i always have my back to the wall ......that is something u need to talk with a doctor about it is a sign of anxiety ( your waiting for the other bad shoe to drop in life)
6 the thoughts are part of bi polar

u sound like u need a night out ........call your buddies ask if they want to go out and do something fun bar/poolhall/poker night something u guys like and enjoy

then get them drunk and ask what ever u want drunk guy talk is drunk guy talk issues get work out everyone is honest and the next more do not feel weird because u were that drunk .....just watch out for any gay ones that might have secret crush on u that move normally ends the friendship

Thanks. You make a lot of good points. And looking at car license plates can help. The good thing is I've returned home from college for a month, so that should ease the worries. However, they will now come slightly with the ex before her (the one that stalked me as she still lives in the area and I run into her from time to time).

Nights out are fun. Not a whole lot of friends left at home though...only at college. But I just turned 21 recently so hopefully I can go to some local bars and meet some people.

But I don't think being drunk excuses everything. Yeah, one def. says more than they should (at least I do) because it impairs judgment, but I think there's still some accountability to be had.

Also....as for the "gay ones"...I should maybe clear something up. I'm actually a woman who happens to be gay. As such, I have no issues with anyone who is gay, bi, pansexual, etc., etc. (male or female or anything else). And I do not mind anyone hitting on me if they are respectful/not creepy (in fact it's usually flattering especially because my self esteem is usually so low that I don't believe them or think they are just trying to be nice). I've been hit on by all genders and I just politely turn them down if I'm not interested. I'm not worried about that. XD

Originally Posted by Imah

Hi there,

I came to psych central tonight because I am feeling a bit paranoid, and find that a few others are as well. So firstly, you are not alone.

I enjoy having added psych central to my list of things I can do for myself when things are not going smoothly for me. The darkest times are during my depressions and paranoia

My opinions are- the best way to monitor ourselves is following a schedule. (very hard for me) meds on time, diet , excersize, sleep - I chart , I made a list of the things that are my most common symtoms sideways on a dollar store notebook. the list is up and down on the left, with each little blue line being a new day. I put a scale of 1=10. Charting is soooo easy. All the years they told us to journal and I never did, but starting a chart has been insightful, and also helps me feel like I am taking better care of myself.

I found that there are phases to me, that I can begin to almost guess.

What you are doing- the recognizing of doing abnormal things, like being afraid to move - sooo understandable. but do you give yourself credit for the recognition? Your doing it! Yay, you are spotting what behaviours might be caused by your illness, and since you are dissatisfied with it, you will eventually work on a change.

So thats great.

I hope you and I both continue coming to psych central when we need to reach out. Remember, any and every small thing you do, even as small as recognizing something - is a great step.

<3 best of luck to us all!! (screw it, i am not going back to check for grammatical errors)

Edit addition: for example, its like 2 hours later and my unreasonable fear (paranoia) is so bad that I cant walk around the house to get my meds. I recognized this, thought of you, and after I type this I am - AM - going to walk into the next room and get my meds I am a couple hours late for. It can feel like a debilitating illness,but each small step we take we have to praise ourselves for. Its the only way to keep going for me some days.

It's good to know I'm not alone. It's good to have support and people who can relate.

Yes, schedules are good to have. I do feel better with them as well. Very hard to manage if I slip heavily into depression or mania...if I'm restless or I'm just in an "ahhh whatever, I don't care" kind of mood. Tough to pick myself up, but I do want to get better without a doubt.

With phases, do you mean so you know when you might start to experience certain moods/symptoms?

Yeah. I really just started recognizing all of this stuff about a week ago. It was the last big blow up with my ex and kind of made me go "oh holy ****, there's definitely something wrong with me" so really been trying to be insightful so I can recover and manage myself/bipolar for life (I've had it diagnosed for 4 years and nobody really ever explained it to me nor did I take the time to "study" it and challenge myself).

Originally Posted by apfei

I have that same fear that i will run into my x. I have it when i go into malls, escpecially the one in his end of town. I keep rehearsing what i will say. It's such a waste of time but it's been nearly 30 years since i've seen him and i guess it's not going away any time soon. Take care!

That happens with me! There's a mall she and I use to go to. I still go there sometimes and she only lives 5 minutes away from it and I know she goes (use to go) a lot too. So I do get REALLY paranoid that I'm going to turn around or turn the corner and she's just going to be there.

Happens a bit with the ex before her as well, but not as much...I've run into her so much that it almost doesn't phase me anymore. Actually I kinda get surprised when I don't but also feel a relief.

[Justugh]

i did not mean anything bad nice lady

i just had a guy try to kiss me one night after drinking ........when i pushed him away he well did something dumb because thought i was going to tell ppl he was gay .....i did not care means more ladies open to date better chance of finding the right one

he is ok as he can be now and not pissed at me ....think he came out to world some time in 2007 still buddies but he is off in cali now ( he use to be the guy i asked girl ?s too since he was in touch with feelings use to give great advice )