Confusion of character and how to move forward

I miss being motivated and wanting to at least try to do things because I knew they would make me feel better about myself. Now I just have no desire to do anything that would normally bring reward because I no longer feel the reward after. If anything there is just more unease after. When I have nothing left to do I am most uncomfortable. I feel like I hide behind all of this because I’m afraid of facing myself when I have nothing left on the “do list”. So the list becomes purposefully too long to complete, leaving me focused on the guilt of not doing it. Rather than focusing on facing myself and my reality and the guilt that brings. The reality of how exhausting it really is to seemingly have no middle ground. There are few gray areas in my life. It is either, “I can succeed and I will succeed in life” or “I wish I were dead” type of depression because all of this is too daunting to bare. It is quite difficult to make the type of slow but steady progress that leads to true success with this sort of mentality and I really am not sure how to shake it or what I’m supposed to do about it, if anything. I am thankful for how far the right medicine has taken me, but it just seems there is so far still to go and the uncertainty takes a toll on a person. Lately I’ve been waking up feeling lost in space. Like my vessel doesn’t match the cognition and awareness of what lies within it. Moments in time where I stop and stare, because I have to remember what I am doing and what I have crafted myself to be. It is so bizarre and disheartening. Having to stop and remember where you are, what you were doing and why. Do any people a little less new to this diagnosis experience this or seem to understand this for themselves?

Welcome Louisand luanneclan to Psych Central. Sorry to hear of your confusion.

Most of us rely on doctors and therapists to diagnose (dx) our condition.
There are many forums to allow you to explore these situations in different ways.

Hi. I feel exactly as you do about everything in your post. I'm surprised and disappointed that no one responded to your post. I was diagnosed with bipolar 8 yrs ago, so now wonder if this is all relevant to the disorder. I always have LONG to do lists and constantly am rearranging my list, reprioritizing each item. It seems I spend more time reorganizing my list than completing projects. I too question whether I'm afraid to be left with no list or am seriously afraid of success! And, yes, I find myself at times spaced out, wondering what I was doing or going to do next.

Have you found any answers since you posted here? I see a psychiatrist AND a psychologist and need to ask them about all this.