Some nagging thoughts....

It has come back. The nagging thought that I am indeed not a competent, rational person (who happens to have BP II). I think I am a severely ill MI-patient who is living under constant care. Maybe my apartment is not really mine, maybe its just some kind of extension of a mental ward. Maybe the people around me are just my caretakers. My volunter-work, my seat on the parents school-comittee, etc is just something I am imagining, and my caretakers let me believe that to humor me. This is the delusion that pops up in my head from time to time. I know that this is not true. Why on earth would anyone let a child live with a severely ill MI-patient under constant supervision? My son is here and he is real. I think of him to bring myself out of this delusion. Up untill about two months ago I had A LOT of intrusive thoughts, constantly going through my head, extremely negative towards myself and some of my family-members. And then they stopped. Cognitive theraphy helped me to "confront" these thoughts. Also I started getting vit B12 injections and iron-supplements afte blood-tests showed that I was very low on these nutrients. I also improved my diet greatly. And as I have been getting healthier, I have also been able to reduce a lot of stressors in my life. So things were going well, indeed better than in a very long time. And I was so happy to get a break from the negative thoughts. But as vinter has been getting darker and darker (I live in Norway, vinter is very dark here, only a few hours of daylight in mid-vinter), my sleep-pattern has become more and more erratic. I cant sleep at all some nights, and then the following night a few hours sleep, then maybe a night of no sleep, so on... So I am sleep-deprived now. And just as I thought my brain was going to give me a reprieve from the constant neg. thinking, this sleep issue starts, and my weird thinking (that I described above) pops up. Now I am scared that this is going to make me lose it completely. What will happen to my relationship to my son then? I was almost suicidal three months ago. And now this? I see my psychiatrist in another week. But I have already made a doctors appointment before then to ask him to give me a prescription for sleeping pills. I hate to take more medication, but maybe if my sleeping pattern became sound again, these crazy ideas would stop? And if it escalates, eventually I will have to take stronger meds than sleeping-pills to keep me on the ground anyway. What do you guys think? Anyone who can relate to this?

Hi Homeira. The silver lining to this cloud is that you do recognize your thinking as delusional. I would guess it is directly related to your sleep deprivation, because sleep deprivation can cause all kinds of delusions and hallucinations. I understand your reluctance to take more medication, but if sleeping pills help you sleep, and regular sleep gets rid of these thoughts you've been having, that's a good thing.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so lousy. Things are really hard when your sleep gets messed up. CBT didn't work for me but i liked the self-help book "Self-Compassion" by Kristen Neff. It sounds like it may hit the spot for you too with your negative thinking. It's available as a downloadable spoken book on audible.com. Take care!

Really want to caution you- I had similar delusions from sleep deprivation regarding my life being fake and my parents being protectors. I didn't completely believe it- but I had a tough time disproving it. It wasn't that sole factor that led me to an inpatient treatment- but it definitely contributed.
The generic form of Zyprexa helped me stabilize, so did 2000 mg of depakote. I went three weeks with minimal sleep before I lost it. I know that it may seem scary to have to take more medications- but it doesn't necessarily have to be permanent and your well-being is first and foremost.
Keep us posted on how you're feeling.

it really helps to write it down It goes from something scary and strange in my head to something that I can look at in front of me. It is outside of me and then I can get a good look at it. And now I am not the only one looking at it because you guys read it. And I feel like I am understood and accepted and it is safe to speak of it here.

Sorry you're having such a rough time. I have been dealing with insomnia for over 20 years & it can really derail my thought processes. I have found that taking a sleep med (currently low dose of ambien) every 3rd night or so helps a lot. I take melatonoin on the other nights-my tdoc suggested emptying any distracting loopy OCD thoughts by writing them out before I go to bed-this has helped me a lot-I also play relaxing music very low & do slow breathing meditation. Take care

How much melatonin do you take?

Usually 5 or 7.5mg-Valerian actually works better for me sleepwise but it was giving me some side effects I didn't like-There is also 5HTP which is good but sometimes hard to find. My acupuncturist recommend these to me several years ago-please check with your Pharmacist before trying-they can tell you if it would be safe to take them with your other meds-don't mix them with other sleep meds though (like ambien, temazepam etc.) hope it helps.

It is something to consider.


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I slept ok last night. Think I got seven hours. I was exhausted from hardly sleeping any at all over several nights before. It was great to get the issue off my chest yesterday. Feeling pretty groggy today, but it might take some time for my body to catch up woth itself in terms of sleep.

Sounds like derealization that your having not a delusion but it's just as scary. I'm happy you slept well enough.