[newtothis31]

I am recently divorced and have a four year old daughter where I share 50/50 custody of my daughter. We separated in January 2014 and just got our divorce finalized three weeks ago due to it being contentious.

Due to my ex having my daughter for Christmas this year (which are normally my days), we agreed to switch days where he had her for almost a week. When my daughter came home- her pre-school folder was overfilled with papers and when I went through them- I learned that she has a Christmas recital on Tuesday.

My ex didn't sign the permission form to have her in the concert so I sent him a text message to see if he would be okay if I signed it since Tuesday is his day with her and there were special instructions on times that you had to drop off your child.

He responded with that he will not attend the Christmas recital because he can't stand to be near me, and that's bad for our daughter. I advised him that he should be able to put his personal feelings aside and go to the recital to support our daughter.

He advised that we should "take turns" for our daughters school events, and I disagreed stating that our daughter needs both of us to support her & show our love for her.

Anyway, it upsets me so much that he is willing to miss out on our daughter's events because I will be there. I'm also upset that he never told me about the recital and was just planning on going. I talked (and I'll admit that I started to cry) to the pre-school director about this, and she was appalled and told me that she would call him to discuss it.

I'm really hoping that the pre-school director will talk some sense into him. I don't know what to do long-term if he refuses to attend my daughter's extracurricular events with me there. I don't feel like I should have to miss out to appease him- I think that our daughter wants both of us to be there.

Any thoughts? At least this seems like a normal situation to have your mood swing- I just hate that I have to be super careful in situations that would get any normal person upset but that's part of BP for you.

[Justugh]

u love your kid nothing u can really do with out causing some pain to her

from now on when ever u talk to him make sure u do it on your cell phone ...get one of those record your phone call apps ...set it to his numbers to automatically turn on

your state is only a one party state
Missouri Recording Law | Digital Media Law Project
this means u are allowed to do this with out telling him it being recorded ( my state is a 2 party state so both ppl have to agree for it to be used in court ) yours is not

not u stay civil and calm as much as u can when u are talking to him .........let him be the **** and dig his own grave

then u take those tapes and show them to the judge that is on the custody case ......he will end up losing his rights for the child to live there since he is acting this way he will be allowed to see her .........if he can prove he is better and not a **** then he can get 50/50 back in a few years

from the sound of it the guy is a **** so he will be looking to do something to hurt u ......by u recording those types of talks it will wreck his case he trys to use against u

[newtothis31]

I don't really want my ex to lose custody- my daughter clearly benefits from having him involved in her life. Missouri is a state that strongly favors 50/50 custody- it would be extremely difficult for either of us to build a case against the other person that would change our custody arrangement.

He's immature and is either unwilling or unable to put his personal feelings aside to act in the best interest of our daughter.

To me- the best outcome for my daughter is to have two parents who are eager to support her at her events. I just have to admit that it's his call to make and that I'm not preventing him from having access to her. It's a decision he has to live with- and there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to attend my daughter's events if I'm able to attend. If my daughter asks why he wasn't there- I'll just let her know that I don't know and she should ask her dad.

[angelene]

Your ex is being unreasonable. The two of you don't have to attend together. You can sit as far apart as possible so there is no need to interact with each other...

[newtothis31]

That's exactly what I've told him.

These conversations that I'm having definitely reinforce that it's a good thing we're not together.

[Welder]

Your heart is in the right place, your concerned about your daughter 1st and not letting the way your ex treats you come before your daugthers well being. You have evry right to attend your daugthers events, you are her mother and you want to be there to support her. Don't let your ex control your thoughts when it comes to that. I know it's hard, very hard to control but others and our circumstances can and do effect our mood swings. Rest assured your thoughts are in the right place as for your daugther and not using your daugther as a way to hurt him the way your ex is doing to you.
As far as recording his phone calls I would not get into that, at least not yet, try to work it out with him 1st the way you are doing before you go to that extreme. If he is negeleting her and mistreating her in other ways that's different, but if this is the only matter then I would doubt if any judge would take custody away on that grounds. You are putting her (your daugthers) needs 1st because you think she benefits from him being in her life.
I also would be careful about getting third parties involed with matters and disagreements with your ex like you did with the director, I know this upset you and I know she offered to talk to him, but getting others involed in your family matters could end badly for you. He could tell her a bunch of lies to the director to try to turn her agaisnt you and side with him etc.

[WiseRabbit]

I grew up with this scenario. My parents split when I was 7, and they would not go to the same family party or event. In fact, they wouldn't be in the same room together for anything short of a dire emergency, and even then, they took turns. It wasn't the end of the world for me. I just grew up knowing it was their problem, not mine, and the non-attending parent was missing out on the fun. I also knew it was not my fault, and I couldn't fix it. (Which didn't stop me from occasionally trying.)

The good thing is that when we were all older (and presumably wiser) my parents did start both attending, and some healing between the two of them began. No, they never got back together, but when my Mom was dying, my Dad drove down to the state she lived in and helped her draw up her will. He even took his turn at sitting with her during her last days. So there is hope yet, that your ex will come around, but it may take 10 or 20 years. In the meantime, He's the one missing out on the fun, not you. And your daughter will know that Mom is always there to support her when she needs you. She needs to be told that you can't control her Dad's decisions, and it isn't her fault that he's not there, and she'll learn to live with that. I did, so did a lot of my friends whose parents acted the same way.

Make sure to stress the fact that it is not her fault in any way, shape, or form. Children believe the world revolves around them, and if something bad has happened, they somehow caused it. You have to take that one head on and repeat it a lot, it's not her fault. And hey, it's not your fault either.

[Sinking Feeling]

Without knowing all the details hard to say what's best. It could be best for your daughter if you took turns if it means avoiding a embarrassing or critical experience of her parents clashing in public.