Tis the season ! If your having a rough holiday post here !!

I was feeling pretty good about spending the day with my dog, but now that it is here i feel pretty lousy.

Best holiday wishes to everyone here! I'm not much for the holidays anymore, but I try to find at least a moment of peace and gratitude in my Christmas day. Here it is, and I'm glad I can share it with you!

I'm really struggling today. Flashbacks, hopelessness, feeling scared. No friends, no support. For everyone else suffering today, I hope you find a way to make it through.

Merry Christmas everyone. This Christmas is even harder than most. I have little support and feel so lonely. I am just trying to keep safe and be thankful for what I still have.

I was OK until about the last 20 minutes or so. Now I feel like crap. I can't talk about it.

I don't even know what to write.

My husband and I have chosen not to have children because of the genetic factor. I just found out my brother-in-law and his wife are expecting there second child. Yeah, I get to go thru this pregnancy again crying my eyes out every time I see her. I'm happy for them. It was the hardest decision to not have children. It's just so hard. I will eventually get over it because I get to spoil them rotten as if they were my own. I love my niece so much, she's the best thing that could have ever happened to me and now there will be another. It's hard to watch the whole pregnancy part. For some reason that part affects me so much. Maybe it's a woman thing. Sorry I just needed to vent, I just found out a few minutes ago.

I need to quit whining. Sorry everybody.

@BlackSheep79
Don't feel bad. This is a place to vent. There is no judgement here. We all have our things we need to vent about. I can imagine that being hard hearing about babies when you've decided not to have them but want them. Sorry.

Ever see that movie where, someone relives christmas eve over and over..Well Christmas day is almost all done and I would so much want to start it all over again but this time I would have had a good 8 hours sleep, would be cheerful, would feel happiness. I can't say it was a bad day, it was really nice, the family was over but it was like I was just there getting by not participating into much conversation and just feeling blah and tired. The family left early and my partner and I just finished having super and exanged a gift..she's tired, I'm tired, she seems sad..I..well I'm how I am and have been for some time. I don't know if she's sad for herself, the day, the way I am..I just wish I could make her feel all better and happy because she puts her heart in this day like you can not believe she's Mrs Christmas and this evening..that sparkle is not there..I need a little miracle to help me put a smile on her face. I'm thankful we have the next 3 days off and hoping we find time to enjoy it together.

Your not whining , your expressing your pain and the choice you and your husband both agreed on. I would bet my last dollar that anyone in your situation is going to be triggered and sad hearing of someone having a baby. Be kind to yourself, express your pain and work through it each and every time it comes up.

I've had a nice time with my family over the holidays. There's just so much to do, so much cooking and preparation, and then of course talking to people........... I just feel mighty overstimulated and neurotic. Tomorrow we are going out of town for 1 night with the kids and I am feeling a financial hangover from Christmas. UGH.

My father had a really high risk surgery and I showed up a week in advance to spend the holidays with him in a skilled nursing center. My mother and my sister were at my sister's house on the east coast and I was here alone with him. I went into full blown mania. I managed to keep it together during the day when I was with him but then I would melt down every night. I tried to explain what was happening but my sister was having none of it. My mother chose not to talk to me at all - probably backing off to give me space to calm down. Who knows. But I came away from the holiday convinced of one thing - I am done trying to explain this to people who don't have it - particularly my family. They don't get it They won't go to bipolar support meetings for families to try to get a sense of what's happening and all I can do is, as my sister pointed out in one of her brutal emails, that I hurt people. And that's certainly true. And that really all they care about. If I stay away to protect myself I'm being irresponsible and uncaring. If I show up and have any problems at all - I'm an asshole. Period. So I'm withdrawing. Closing down my blog (my family can see it). Going quiet on Facebook. I'm going to concentrate on getting my life back together again and I'm going to shut out those voices for now. I've had my last family holiday.