[LettinG0]

I'm 50 years old.....BP II...untreated for many years - just started taking meds a couple months ago and they are not adjusted correctly yet....feel like I'm constantly in a mixed episode. Anyway, feel sicker than ever. I do NOT have a substance abuse problem, an alcohol problem, an eating disorder, nor do I cut......I have never wanted to do any and/or all of the above in my whole life as bad as I want to now. Am drinking some....cutting a little....just so desperate for relief and release and to feel better.....to feel something. Has anyone struggled with these issues later in life?

[Imah]

Cutting is a commonly in Borderline Personality Disorder which can look a lot like Bipolar disorder. I recommend you look at the Borderline Personality Disorder guide on this site. (If you can't find the borderline stuff - go to the forum page where you click bipolar, scroll down to Personality Place and in the small print you will see borderline - click that)

I was diagnosed bipolar over 30 years ago (called it manic depressive back then) - but denial kept me from focusing on how my life might be affected if I didn't continue treatment, listen to professionals or take medication. The outcome of denial for me was 3 marriages, 2 unfinished college attempts, over 20 jobs, 2 children raised dysfunctionally, multiple car accidents - confusion, anger, rage, poor credit rating (spontaneity). Multiple times going back to shrinks, just to have them all repeat bipolar every time. I got really angry with them always telling me the wrong thing! I didn't want to be bipolar, and if I was they needed to just fix it that day!

All that is past me as of 6 years ago when I couldn't deny the truth anymore. My bipolar mental illness seriously affected my life. I thought it was the worst point when I lost that last job (fired for acting unprofessionally) and it took a huge lot out of me these last years. I got so bad I was agoraphobic for 2 years, I missed my first born sons wedding, I gained 50 pounds.

It was absolutely worth it (well not missing my sons wedding, but everything else)

My point is - don't deny the issue or try to make light of it. You are very lucky, now you can begin to own your emotions - not control them, but understand them and understand how to reduce spontaneous reactions.

You are the same wonderful person you were a year ago.

Trust your professional support staff - and utilize them.

So far, my story now is much better. For the first time in over 35 years I like me. I hate my weight, I still have issues, I am still getting better but I have a lot to get past. Not just the past 6 years, but the 28 years before that which I squandered. If only I had stayed in treatment and respected how much my illness was with me. I mourn my lost life, and constantly tell people here - especially the young - how lucky they are to be getting treatment.

LettinGO - time is in front of you. You will have med changes til they get it right. You will step forward and slip back. But stick with it. If that time is passing anyway, don't you want some part of your life to be happier? That is what awaits you. Clarity, understanding, self acceptance and knowledge. PsychCentral is a great forum for sharing and being with similarly experienced people. You are lucky and very welcome here.

Best of luck to us all.

[LettinG0]

Imah:

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your insight. I'm trying not to deny it and I'm trying to have hope. I go to pdoc Monday and hopefully the meds will be tweaked some. Again, thanks for the encouragement and much success to you on your journey, as well. [FONT="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT]

[Imah]

Originally Posted by LettinG0

Imah:

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your insight. I'm trying not to deny it and I'm trying to have hope. I go to pdoc Monday and hopefully the meds will be tweaked some. Again, thanks for the encouragement and much success to you on your journey, as well. [FONT="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT]

I can almost guarentee the meds will be tweaked again. Not to sound negative, but mine were changed 6+ times til I am on what I have now.

[Imah]

The Borderline Personality Disorder description on the BPD forum on this site:


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
from the site: Personality Disorders Institute, borderline personality disorders, psychotherapy, psychiatry, and mental health, public

The symptoms of borderline patients are similar to those for which most people seek psychiatric help: depression, mood swings, the use and abuse of drugs, alcohol, or food as a means of trying to feel better; obsessions, phobias, feelings of emptiness and loneliness, inability to tolerate being alone.

In addition, these patients displayed great difficulties in controlling ragefulness; they were unusually impulsive, they fell in and out of love suddenly; they tended to idealize other people and then abruptly despise them. A consequence of all this was that they typically looked for help from a therapist and then suddenly quit in terrible disappointment and anger.

Underneath all these symptoms, therapists began to see in borderline people an inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety, frustration, rejection and loss that most people are able to put up with, an inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset, and an inability to control the impulses toward the expression, through action, of love and hate that most people are able to hold in check. What seems to be of central importance in the symptoms and difficulties mentioned above is that the hallmark of the "borderline" personality is great difficulty in holding on to a stable, consistent sense of one's self: "What am I?" these people ask. "My life is in chaos; sometimes I feel like I can do anything—other times I want to die because I feel so incompetent, helpless and loathsome. I'm a lot of different people instead of being just one person."

The one word that best characterizes borderline personality is "instability." Emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly, often for no discernible reason. Thought processes are unstable—rational and clear at times, quite extreme and distorted at other times. Behavior is unstable—often with periods of excellent conduct, high efficiency and trustworthiness alternating with outbreaks of regression to childlike states of helplessness and anger, suddenly quitting a job, withdrawing into isolation, failing.

Self control is unstable leading to impulsive behaviors and chaotic relationships. A person with borderline personality disorder may sacrifice themselves for others, only to reach their limit and suddenly fly into rageful reproaches, or they may curry favor through obedient submission only to rebel, out of the blue, in a tantrum.

Associated with this instability is terrible anxiety, guilt and self-loathing for which relief is sought at any cost—medicine, drugs, alcohol, overeating, suicide. Sadly, oddly, self-injury is discovered by many borderline people to provide faster relief than anything else—cutting or burning themselves stops the anxiety temporarily.

The effect upon others of all this trouble is profound: family members never know what to expect from their volatile child, siblings, or spouse, except they know they can expect trouble: suicide threats and attempts, self-inflicted injuries, outbursts of rage and recrimination, impulsive marriages, divorces, pregnancies and abortions; repeated starting and stopping of jobs and school careers, and a pervasive sense, on the part of the family, of being unable to help.

[iwishicould]

Hi Lettingo,I was on and off treated for depression all my life(AD's) always made me worse,until I was sent to hospital for the first time at 50.
Only saw psyche twice and she diagnosed me with depression the first time(did tell her that ads don't work),but she put me on anti depressant(mirtazapine),and yet again no help,in fact like you got a whole lot worse,worse then any other AD.I just stopped taking them,and yes got in trouble for it,but I figured now that I was extremly suicidal they were not helping.I DON'T recommend you do that.It is better to go back to doctor or hospital and do it correctly.I didn't as it was 3 months before i was able to get an appointment for psyche.Thought I would actually be dead by then.

The second time I went,she said that I am probably menopausal also.Told me it would pass,lol been like this all my life.I guess though,it was worse then.

Time is always a factor with psychatrists,so as she said if ADs aren't working that maybe I was bipolar 2 and she would put me on a mood disorder drug called serequel.Well that did work for awhile (although it took a couple of months)and the dose kept getting upped as it stopped working until now aged 54.They are not working now.

My actual GP doctor is,as she said not qualified in this field,but as was stated above by Imah she thought maybe borderline was more me,but i don't cut.Mind you was very tempted on mirtazipine.Son showed up before I actually done it.

Here in Australia,there are only a few mental illnesses recognized.So they like to put you in a catergory,that they do use.

However since doing my own research,I think I have personality disorders with depression.Drugs have little impact for me,depression still appears reguarly.Therapy would be good,but here in backwardville there is none.

I know none of this will help you really.guess the only thing you can do is go back to doctors as soon as possible.I think the meds should be working by now.

Also,do some research ,you might find that you relate to something different then bipolar.You can then mention to doctor,and hope they listen :-/.

Take care of yourself,and get to hospital if you think you are in danger.

[iwishicould]

gee I type slow,Imah is already back with info

[Victoria'smom]

It sounds like a med issue.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by iwishicould

gee I type slow,Imah is already back with info

Please share your info. I have been so mania today, and overly commenting I wish someone else would talk!

[LettinG0]

Just an update: Finally told my pdoc what was going on and that it had been suggested the ADs might be causing my problem. She agreed that it might be and I go by tomorrow for a new med. Just wanted you to know that I appreciate everyone's caring and input.

[tipper1492]

Hang in there & give the doctor time to research what will work best for you. I am BP II and I had no idea (actually denied it even though my wife knew) until I got the right diagnosis at age 61. Two or so yrs back. I am age 64 now. My life, and my daughters life, and my wife's life is better. Daughter age 22 now. In fact my wife probably would have left me had I not been put on medications. After maybe 4 yrs with another psychiatrist, my wife was right, I changed to the psychiatrist I have now. I didn't smoke pot much at all, but a week or so before being diagnosed, I spent just over a month in the Great Bear Rain Forest (Bella Coola, B.C.) and I was drinking a lot of Crown Royal whiskey. I was stoned (Didn't do pot after many yrs) a lot because a Nuxalk Indian, and another guy building my cabin over the last three yrs, always had pot for me to buy and or smoke. I was, as I had done for many yrs, smoking cigarettes. Once diagnosed I stopped everything including cold turkey cigarettes. All that stuff interferes with medications. Good luck!

[~Christina]

I wasn't diagnosed until age 43. It felt like a sick 3 ring circus..

I am one that can not in any way shape or form take an AD learned that on day 2 as I got flung into a mean ugly nasty dysphoric mania Took me weeks to level back down.

I have yet to ever see a person that is good to go on the first meds tried, Even my own Pdoc has never had a patient find the pot of gold first time.

Personally I am seeing more and more people being diagnosed later in life.. My daughter was diagnosed Bipolar 3 months after me... The only difference between my late diagnosis and my daughter being diagnosed at 19 was I had more baggage to work through in Therapy, I was able to look back in my life and think " Okay.. well that helps explain THAT" lol

Bipolar just needs attacked from all sides.. ,Meds if you go that route, Therapy, Huge box of coping skills and the ability to actually use them when needed, Exercise , Diet , Sleep hygiene and on and on.

One thing you really need to do is advise you General Doctor about your reaction to the AD so they will be aware in case they were to prescribe a medication that could possibly cause a problem.

I'm glad you got a med change and hope it works well for you

[memson]

Originally Posted by LettinG0

I'm 50 years old.....BP II...untreated for many years - ?

I was finally diagnosed less than a year ago at age 53 after 20 years of misdiagnosis. It can be daunting but also liberating. Now I know what I'm dealing with I have found that coping has become much easier. I know the signs to look for, the trends in my mood journal, the side effects of my meds. I'm acutely aware of every physiological and psychological change in me. I'm trying very hard, now, to not let the condition own me or rule my life. There is a version of life available within which I can embrace this uniqueness about me rather than waste energy on hating something I have no actual control over.
The toughest challenge by far is finding the right cocktail for you. Like many who have posted here I have been on a range of meds and I can hopefully say I have found the right regimen for me; if I'm right then I'm one of the lucky ones in that it didn't take too long - I hope the same is true for you.
You are in a good place now (at PC) where you will find lots of support for every step of your new journey.

[Sideways12]

I was just diagnosed BP II and I'm 46. The last four months have been a roller coaster! I have mixed moods with anxiety, it's horrible when it happens! I've been feeling good the last few days. I hope it lasts awhile.

[LettinG0]

I just wanted to thank EVERYONE for sharing their stories and their insight. I don't feel quite so alone knowing so many were diagnosed later and that it seems to take a long time to get the right mix of meds....I am still quite depressed and cannot seem to focus very well, so I am having trouble getting a handle on all that I need to learn and do to take care of myself as best I can. I know I need to journal. I know I need to learn coping skills. I know I need to use the coping skills...........and I just find myself doing nothing or being overwhelmed. I'm sure I will make more progress if I can get the depression under control some. Just seems really hard right now. Anyway, I love PC and I love you guys. You are all awesome! Thanks again

[aged2324]

My lungs are shot today and the older I get the harder it is to rebound...hate to go steroids because it messes with meds but I don't have a choice with asthma along with bipolar and addiction I must follow my regime or I'll end up in the hospital again and that is no fun

[aged2324]

Hope u find the help u need...time takes time Goodluck

[Tucson]

I was diagnosed with BP II at about the age of 45. My life had been a mess before then. But the dx explains so much. So you are not alone.

PS: That article on BPD reminds me of myself when I was younger. It frequently became that way in intimate relationships. But I never did self-medicate, harm myself or others, or attempt suicide. So I guess I just had BPD traits. Sometimes it still surfaces.

[jacky8807]

If you never cut before meds it dosent sound like borderline to me. It sounds like yhe wrong meds. Some def make you worse

[tipper1492]

"Drinking SOME" You're messing up the medications for sure.

[LettinG0]

Originally Posted by tipper1492

"Drinking SOME" You're messing up the medications for sure.

Yes. Completely aware of that. Have finally gotten past that inclination. It was only very briefly that I let it get out of hand......thank you for your reminder.

[LettinG0]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

If you never cut before meds it dosent sound like borderline to me. It sounds like yhe wrong meds. Some def make you worse

Yes. I really think the meds have had a lot to do with that piece of it. We finally just made a change and am hoping it is for the better.