[Cradlered1971]

I've been married for almost 17 years, diagnosed BP about 7 years ago. I have an 11-year old. I say all that to show that my family knows what life is like when I am unmedicated.

Whenever it comes time to fill my scrips, I get questions from the husband - How much is that one? Can't you use the generic? If the generic doesn't work at the same dose, maybe she can prescribe the generic at a higher dose. Do you have to fill it today?

I just don't understand how he doesn't hear me when I tell him that those comments make me feel worse. When I hear that I think "screw it, I'll just get off all the meds and see what happens." But I know what will happen. The doc and I tried weening me off the AD to see if Lamictal/Abilify cocktail would be ok on its own. I cried at everything, felt hopeless, very sunk in despair.

There are days when I think "why can't it just be all over?" To quote Harry Potter, "I don't want to play anymore." I know that sounds suicidal, but I am not considering taking my own life, just wondering why I have to still be alive.

Then I look at my daughter and don't want to do to her what my father did to me - he committed suicide 20 years ago. I feel... I don't know, responsible for his death. He and I had a strained relationship, and I hadn't spoken to him in almost 3 years when he died. I almost called him 10 days before; I knew he was working through his issues, I knew he wanted to repair our relationship, and I couldn't dial the last four digits of the phone number. I'll live with that regret the rest of my life. People tell you that "you" couldn't make a difference, but then they turn around and tell you that you never know that "to the world you are one person, but to one person you may be the world". Maybe my phone call would have at least put it off long enough for him to get help? At least I could have said to him "I love you". I don't want my daughter to feel this.

So, how do I get my husband to wake up to this?? He's got anxiety issues - if I showed him this post he would freak and probably try to have me hospitalized (and then hurry me up to get better so we didn't run out of money.) Do I yell, scream? Or, do I just realize that until I get on the right cocktail I'll hear it every month, and then once I'm on the right cocktail every 3?

[jelly-bean]

Unfortunately mental health medications can be quite costly. I am pretty sure that your husband does not understand how it makes you feel when he makes those comments. You should sit down with him and have a heart to heart and get him to understand. I don't know your financial circumstances so maybe he really feels that your finances are in trouble.

This is a difficult situation. I'm currently struggling to pay for my meds, so I understand. Have you talked to your husband about how it makes you feel when he does this?

Maybe he doesn't realize he's hurting your feelings. To him, they are just words to describe his frustration with not feeling like you have enough money. To you, it's much more. Maybe if he understood the pain his actions cause?

I don't know. I just feel terrible for you and wish I had words to encourage. I know all too well what it feels like to feel *done with life*. Not understanding why I have to be here. that is no way to go through life and I hope those feelings end for you soon.

[Victoria'smom]

Since you are switching every month maybe have your psychiatrist give you a sample for that month? Look into savings plans. If you work you may have to do his money/ my money.

[nuryn]

I know what you are going through. When I'm down I also feel the same - like I don't want to play anymore. My children and husband have been supportive - I am hanging on for them and hope that one day I will be free of this awful disease.

[Turtlesoup]

I'm so sorry you're going through this-do you have a tdoc or support group to vent some of this frustration out? If so maybe you could have him come with you to therapy to get some good dialogue going & to mediate so it doesn't just turn into a big fight. I had lack of communication among other things in my first marriage & it became a huge stumbling block for everything else. Somehow your husband needs to understand that right now you need meds just like a diabetic or asthmatic or someone with heart disease. Hope this works out for you soon.

[pepper2009]

I was going to suggest everything in Turtlesoup's reply. Things sounds tight for you financially. Perhaps hearing from your pdoc or T will bring some further understanding from your husband. Meds are expensive and unfortunately not all drug companies give out samples. When I first started Lamitcal I didn't have Rx coverage so my pdoc gave me samples every month. Fortunately I had just obtained new insurance mere weeks before the drug company stopped giving samples. I think that some pharmaceutical companies have assistant plans for patients. Ask you pdoc or google it.

Best of luck.